MK forum

I simply can not imagine...

Not to mention shame - clingy, oily, awful shame with its host of accusations: “You’re worthless! You’re unclean! “Horrible, nasty, wretched!” “Worthless! Worthless! Worthless! …Why are you alive!? And why bother go on living!”

And I’ve lived so long with it that I didn’t even recognize it. And I’ve lived unconsciously apologizing for my existence. And I’ve lived begging for crumbs. And I’ve lived looking forward to death.

Why…

Maybe b/c someone communicated (in words or actions!), “You’re a burden.” “You just get in the way.” “You’re not worth the effort.” You’re not worth the effort it takes to investigate the damage done SO THAT we can make things right, restore, rebuild, help, heal. Instead, its “forgive and forget.” (You’re not worth the effort.) “Just.move.on.” (You’re not worth the effort.) Or instead, its just a thundering silence. (You’re not worth the effort.) Meanwhile, the abuser is comforted, counseled and provided for. And, your parents are fired for speaking up.

Just what exactly does that communicate?

When the abuse was brought to light and treated as no big deal – hush, hush, hide it in vague terms, make excuses. I was left with the angst and no resolution. ‘No big deal’ except for this gut-wrenching pain. Oh, it must be me – I’m sinning in bitterness and unforgiveness. Guilt. Years and years of hopelessness and depression, stress and fear, and fading health…still the pain, still the shame. Weariness.

Am I crazy? Am I just overly dramatic? “It was no big deal.” Then why the long-time drivenness to present perfection and the terror to fail? Someone will leave. Someone will run away. Someone will shut me out silently, and I will be left…again.

Oh how much it means to be wanted and sought out, looked for…wanted.

And in my pain and darkness, I’ve come again and again and again to stand mystified at the crux of all time, when the LORD of all the earth plunged to the utter depths of hell…to find me.

Now you are way above the macaws!
It is a privilege just to read here.
Thank you for your courage to share that you KNOW you are worth the world to HIM.
And that all those other thoughts are NOT true.
Freedom!

Thank you Arara Azul. What you wrote reflects what so many of us felt. Beautifully and painfully stated.

Arara Azul ...thank you so much! How tragic and how beautiful. I understand and relate...and am so touched by your words.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating.

It's OK to be mad at God, He can handle it.

God can absolutely handle it.

One of the many things I am learning about myself here is that I've felt for many years (my whole life, actually) that I wasn't allowed to have a bad attitude. To be angry about something, to complain, to criticize meant that I was rebellious. We all know that that argument was used to control us...to keep us quiet and submissive.

I did a pretty good job with this while I was at Via. The thing I most got praised for during my time there was my good attitude. I took great pride in these "compliments"- as if they were a sign of my spiritual condition and an indication of how well I would succeed in the world. However, in order to have a "good attitude," it required me to turn my head to the injustice I saw happening all around me. I became passive and insecure in my own ability to execute change. Meanwhile, the hurt was shoved deep down inside me.

I'm learning that it is OKAY to have a bad attitude about something that is WRONG! It should make us feel angry, hurt, betrayed to be treated with so much abuse, neglect, disrespect, disregard. Abuse and covering up abuse is WRONG. It is SIN. I don't have to sit back and be silent. I don't have to smile and say how much I love NTM. I don't have to sacrifice my kids for the sake of the Gospel. I don't have to pretend it doesn't tear my heart out to read these stories of abuse. I don't have to pretend I'm doing well if I am not.

Frankly, it's refreshing to have a place to vent and find relief from the nagging pain within. Yes, it worries me, hurts me to know that people I cared about read here and judge our attitudes, our motives. I've had to come to grips with the fact that those people are no good for me. They, perhaps, never truly cared about me, my attitude, my soul. I sacrificed much to please them, and all they cared about was preserving the holy (NOT!) name of New Tribes. Over the years, I've heard a lot of people within NT talk about "the work, the field, the Indians, the ministry." So few, in comparison, have talked about their deep, undying love for "the God" who called them there in the first place. I'm not trying to cast judgement, and I know there are some, perhaps many, who truly love the LORD and serve HIM gladly. I hope there are some. Because they are the only ones that would read the Fanda Report and the coming reports of abuse at other NT schools (hopefully before 2029!!) and be outraged. They will fight for justice, stand for truth, lead the way in making this right!

Frankly, from what I've seen, I'm not too hopeful that many of these sort of missionaries exist within NT today. I can name a few- a handful. At the risk of seeming like they have a bad attitude, I hope they find the courage to post here!

Such helpful insight, Sherpa! I am gaining so much understanding of myself through my participation on this Forum! Though we wouldn't recognize each other's faces, we are becoming well acquainted with each other's hearts. I am so very, very grateful for this support group. Reading this last post from you, I'm thinking maybe this group could be called Apologetic MKs Anonymous! I relate acutely to your observations of yourself, and how quickly you were cowed by the criticism of one person. Wow, that's me too! I am seeing that about myself even on this Forum. I am way too overly sensitive to any hint of disapproval or rejection.
I beat myself up when I think maybe I've disappointed someone, and yet ... Oh my goodness, you are so right!! .... we sit passively by, accepting the fact that no one gives a hoot about your abuse, Ornery's sister's abuse, my daughters' abuse ... All those children. All those countries. No one's up in arms about this! But oh boy, they sure will jump on you immediately for saying something negative about the Lord's anointed!
Yes, my knee jerk reaction, and yours, is to apologize and grovel and feel guilty and lose sleep. But - thank you Lord! - in the light of a new day, I am now able to understand myself and the fact that my response was programmed by years of groupthink and mind control. I am no longer that child, manipulated by the need to be perfect all the time so I would please God, my parents, their co-workers, their mission.
Thank God I am free! Free to speak out. Free to take risks. Free to make mistakes. Free to say I'm sorry and move on. I am freely loved and accepted, not because of how well I perform, but because Jesus paid it all.
All to HIM I owe.