MK forum

I’m not really use to sharing private personal things on an open forum like this, but I thought my story might help others of you. Please bear with me as I attempt to get over that in hopes that my posting this will bless someone. You’ll have to forgive me where I’m purposefully vague. I beg you to ask the Lord to use this in the lives of those of us He means for it to help see Him and His redemptive power.

Reading your stories and opinions makes me wonder if it really is all that important what generation or family background we come from. Your stories and mine make me wonder whether our parents are Christians or not and whether they stay or go is really the difference. It looks like whether we’re mks, pks, from mega churches where everything looks so well organized and pretty, have plenty of money or not, belong to wonderful Christian parents or parents in a cult, descipled well or not-- it just seems like we all struggle with the same sort of issues. What do we do with the abuses of life that we and our families suffer at the hands of our own choices and those of others? How do we learn to live an abundant life, to serve the God we love but don’t always understand? How do we love those around us that even if we admire and get along with, at some point there will be conflict, hurt and even abuse? What if we belong to an organization or have leaders or laws that don’t bring out into the open and punish those who hurt us the most? What if our own parents and families are part of the lacking justice in our worlds? I’ve pondered these questions most of my life and I’m not sure I have answers that are any different than the endless books on conflict, hurt, pain and abuse.

I personally was both sexually and physically abused by someone I trusted. They are someone who should have been a protector and spiritual example to me. I knew down deep inside, even though quite young that it was not supposed to be like this. It didn’t take long for me to want to tell anyone who would listen. I begged to be allowed to get away from the situation. There were those that got to get away from the abuse. Those who should have believed me and helped me most didn’t. They always did and still do have a response that communicates maybe I’ve made a bigger deal out of it than I should, or that it didn’t happen to them so maybe I imagined it, or maybe it’s time to get over it already, or worse, maybe it was partly my own fault. Suspicion and doubt have been some of the worst abuse. It has been easier to forgive the person who did sexual things to me than the ones who I would have hoped would help me. They should have helped me by believing me, talking about it openly, getting me out, and getting that person locked up. My parents didn’t rescue me, didn’t protect me, and chose to stay in the situation we were in for many years.

I am now a parent. And even though I thought I had done EVERYTHING possible to protect my children…horrifically I find myself a parent of sexually abused children. There is neither resolve nor justice anywhere on the horizon if I think of it only as it stands in this life. We have sought counseling and help. We have been encouraged by some things that we might term “justice” in reference to the abusers. In a lot of cases my children have made very good decisions in light of what has happened to them, and in others, very tragic decisions.

Although the circumstances change, people work through these things so very differently. Expectations of how and when we should have some sort of victory in our lives and what that should look like, varies from person to person. We are impacted by everything from our own personalities to those whom we choose to surround ourselves. We all use the words like closure, forgiveness, bitterness, victory, freedom, justice and the list goes on in so many different ways. We often feel like we’re not sure we have arrived at or are free of any of the positive or negative affects of the abuse that’s happened in our lives. I am sure of one thing…to some degree we could honestly share that most of us have been abused if we use the letter of the law in many countries around the world. We can honestly share that it has had huge life changing influence on who we are today and what we are becoming.

I want to assure you that every story on this blog is somehow very much like mine. I promise, I can relate! In both my personal sexual abuse and that of my children the endless questions of blame and responsibility haunt us. Who’s to blame for what? Who should be held responsible? The constant wondering if we’ve done enough, told enough people, told the right people. Did they do enough, no, are they doing enough? It’s a never ending debate in our family but I’m just not confident that sharing the specifics of how, when, where, with whom, or what time period really makes the huge difference.

What I do know and believe to be the single most redeeming comfort for me personally and hope that it will bring some peace and comfort to you is: Justice in this life will never ever be enough for us. Complete and true justice is coming one day but only outside of this life. And when true justice comes I will know nothing but mercy and then, ONLY THEN, will I know what it means to be finally enough. So when I contemplate what my wisest choices should be in light of the hurts and abuses of life, I have to daily remind myself, no matter what someone does to right the horrid wrongs of my life or the lives of my children…it will never ever be enough. That brings me peace in waiting for that grand mercy of God that will make everything ALL RIGHT.

Thank you, njachk, for sharing from such a deep place in your heart. I sense so much pain in your life. The sadness almost overwhelms me. Lack of protection, validation, justice, resolution. For you and for your children. I hope it helps a little that you have shared your heart with people who do understand the complexity of your pain. We believe you and support you. Like you said, our stories have so many similarities. Even through your vagueness I can feel your hurt.
And no, nothing will ever be enough. That is so profound and true. When your own childhood was taken from you, and then your innocent and vulnerable children were also victimized .... no, nothing will ever be enough to heal those wounds. Somehow we go on, putting one foot in front of the other, living our lives with as much spiritual and emotional strength as we can muster. But the deep wounds are there, and nothing will ever be enough to assuage the deep, deep grief we carry because precious little ones -- either ourselves or those we gave birth to -- had their lives shattered by The Destroyer.
I hear you. I can't fix it. But I do hear you.

I appreciate the kind encouragement..I only want what I say to lift people up.
Can anyone tell me how I managed to put this under Tambo-Bolivia instead of some topic that's more general? Can it be changed?

njachk, Thank you for sharing your posts. I agree wholeheartedly. You have an incredible platform for what you say because of what you have personally experienced.

"How do we learn to live an abundant life, to serve the God we love but don’t always understand?"

Yes, in the midst of all the pain how do we do this? I don't know how. I just know that I don't want the experience of pain to be lost on me. If I must go through pain, I don't want it to be pointless, purposeless. I want it to accomplish something good in me, something good for others. I think you are leading the way. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts here.

another mk, Right on! "To seek to do the right thing without trusting in recompense for the abuse we've suffered to be enough. To seek what is good and right because it is good and right, not because it will make us feel better"

Another sad issue is the fact that other missions trusted NTM boarding schools and were thrilled to send their kids to them. In writting to a friend of mine, in a different mission, her response was. "yes, I went to one of their schools in Brazil and I was inappropriately touched. I left after that." So it is wide spread in NTM and those that used the schools. So these forums are for all that want their voices heard.

njachk, thank you for sharing your story, revealing your horrible pain. You are among friends...we are listening:)