MK forum

As I read the posts on this blog today, I was reminded of something I learned in college that may be helpful to think about. I know it always helps me to remember this:

My professor drew a grid with four squares on the board to illustrate what there is to know about “me”. Of course, God knows everything there is to know about us, so He goes in all the squares. I go in the top row and you go in the left column. So you and I intersect in the top left square. This illustrates all the things that there are to know about me that I are known to both me, my family, friends, co-workers, etc. Probably pretty safe stuff here.

Things get more tricky in the upper right and lower left squares. This is where we are dealing mostly with past experiences, thoughts, feelings, motivations etc. The upper right shows that there are things about me that others don’t know or understand. It’s probably not too hard for us to accept that. The lower left is a lot scarier. It shows that there are things about me that others can see, but I can’t. Yikes!

We sure need a lot of humility when others are giving us feedback because they might be telling us the painful truth about ourselves! On the other hand, they don’t know everything there is to know about us, so we don’t need to blindly accept everything others say to us or about us, because they might be wrong. It takes a lot of self control to receive hard or hurtful comments calmly, accept the possibility that they might be right, and respond to them graciously if they are wrong. I know that’s the kind of person I want to be/become; free to admit it to myself and others when I’m in the wrong, and able to hold on to what I know to be true about me without taking offense if others don’t agree. (I know my spouse appreciates it when I’m that kind of person too!) It also takes a lot of wisdom to know when to keep pushing for clarity and understanding and when to be okay with being misunderstood. God, we don’t have it in us to respond to others this way. Live your life through us.

There are also times when we are the “others” that are seeing something in someone else that needs to be confronted, something they are totally blind to. God, give us courage, conviction and compassion. Help us do the right thing, say the right thing, for the right reasons.

The lower right square is the stuff that only God knows about me. No worries here! Because the God who knows everything about me – including the bad and ugly stuff that I am aware of and the things I am unaware of, or the areas where my heart has deceived me – is the God who loves me. What peace! What security! I don’t have to hide. I don’t have to pretend I’m better than I am. This is just awesome news! I’m sure if I lived in this “square” more I’d be able to handle all the other squares a lot better. God, keep us here, living in your love.

(Really appreciated Interested’s apology to his/her kids in NTM MKs thread. What a great example of humility, especially your ability to repeat your apology whenever needed. Thanks for sharing!)

Yes, I think this is a great way to picture information and how what we know intersects with others and what they know!

I've been thinking lately that sometimes we come to God with the assumption that we need to "get it right". Whenever we approach God on this basis we are not free to learn something new-- we have to prove to ourselves and Him that we HAD it right. This works the same way with other people... when we can only admit that we've learned something "years ago" or "some time ago" it puts space between us and what we've learned, which makes it hard for us to see and act on new information.

If you have ever lived in the tropics, you might be able to picture this. My family went on a hike up to a mountain swim hole. But instead of following a trail cutting through the trees and underbrush, over and around huge rocks, we got to our destination by walking on top of a 2 foot diameter rubberized pipe which carried water to the town below. It would have been a pretty easy, enjoyable hike except for the fact that the pipe was covered with moss and a layer of dew. Of course this was no problem for the nationals and even most of my family members did fine. But not me! The moment I lost my focus, I was falling off one side or the other. (“Look at that cool lizard, Mom,” and down I went again!) Sometimes I even fell off while I was carefully, oh so carefully, placing one foot in front of the other!

The image of me falling off the pipe despite my best efforts to stay balanced, came to my mind recently as I have contemplated the MK abuse, the cover up, the various responses of people involved (victims, their family members, NTM leaders and members), and our own recent conflict with NTM.

To me, walking the “pipe” illustrates a good, godly response to those who have done wrong, but it’s a real trick to pull it off without losing our balance. It requires holding on to both anger and humility and not falling too much to one side or the other.

Anger is not sin. When someone has hurt or wronged us, we feel angry. This is an appropriate response. Wrong has been done and that matters. Anger fuels the courage and tenacity we need to stay motivated enough to confront. When we expose someone’s sin we run the risk of who knows what kind of negative repercussions. Who would bother to do it if the issue they were confronting didn’t matter enough to them to make them mad?

But how easy it is for me to “fall off” on the side of anger! “How could he do that! What a *@&%#!” Sometimes harsh words are needed in order to get someone to realize the seriousness of their actions or attitudes. But when I resort to name calling and sarcasm I have fallen off on this side. I confess....I have enjoyed some of the sarcastic, angry comments on this blog. It feels good to see my opponent as a “dingledorf.” But ultimately if this is the spirit in which we confront others, we are putting ourselves above them. It is extremely unlikely that they will be responsive to this approach, but whether it seems to work or not, it’s wrong. We are being motivated by passion for ourselves.
Definitely there is a time and place for expressing extreme anger. But dwelling here is bad for my heart. I start to see myself as superior to my adversary. Pride creeps in and I become blind to my own sin.

In my more rational moments I remember that whoever hurt me is not my real enemy. He is a hostage of my true enemy; not only a hostage, but a victim, a brainwashed pawn doing what Satan wants him to do. On top of that, I realize that it’s just as likely that I could have been the hostage! I am not inherently better than anyone else. I am just as guilty.
But that’s when the really good news can hit home. Because when I am able to recognize, to really see, my own guilt, my own helpless condition before the Lord, then I become able to recognize, see and comprehend, God’s grace for me. It’s so awesome, it’s so great, it’s so thrilling! And then something really crazy happens in my heart – I actually want the person who hurt me to really comprehend God’s grace for him too. Whoa! Then I know God has left his “footprint” on my heart. How cool is that?!

But sometimes I am tempted to move too far towards humility and compassion and I think things like, “I am no better than anyone else. Who am I to judge? I am the chief of sinners. ‘Vengeance is mine’ says the Lord. Doesn’t the Bible tell me to forgive my enemies and turn the other cheek?” If we lean too far toward this side, we will not confront others or report their crimes, and evil will rise, and rise, and rise.

For me personally, when I am on this side, I am hiding behind these excuses, because I don’t want to deal with the mess of confronting someone. The rationale may sound godly, but it really is just an excuse to protect myself from trouble. I think NTM fell off on this side when they failed to deal with the child abusers properly. I think abused wives fall off on this side when they hesitate to expose their husband’s behavior. I think we all fall off on this side when we rationalize that we should not air our dirty laundry in public and thereby make God/NTM/the church look bad.

So it seems to me that effective confrontation requires holding onto both anger and humility, tenacity and compassion. If we can confront sin/sinners while holding onto the reality that we are really all in the same boat – sinners in need of grace – there is potential for really awesome, redemptive stuff that glorifies God and gets us both parties rooted more deeply in His love.

But while the potential for really great stuff is there, there is no guarantee. (I speak from personal experience. From my perspective, it seems the more we gracious we became in trying to resolve our conflict with our NTM leaders, the more sure they seemed of our sin!) Obviously NTM is not responding to those confronting them with their failure in dealing with MK abuse the way we all hope they would. But we are not responsible for their response. We are only responsible for our own actions. So all we can do is keep trying to walk the “pipe”, keep speaking the truth (confronting) in love, keep receiving God’s grace for our own failures, keep trusting God for the consequences of confronting others, and be at peace knowing that we have been faithful in doing what is right.

Do you agree? Disagree? Please share your thoughts.

Thank you Kathy. I loved what you wrote. It's so easy to slide off either side of the pipe, into anger and bitterness or into too much humility and not facing things for what they are. Yes, somehow we make ourselves think the godly option is to say nothing, which is as you say, hiding behind excuses, or fear. I read something recently which someone passed on to me, from a "PeaceMeal" which is a devotional sent out by Peacemakers:

Food for Thought
Have you ever thought about fear as an indulgence that we as Christians can't afford?
We often think of rich desserts as indulgences, and they certainly can be. But fear is an indulgence, too--one that Christians engage in at least as much (if not far more) than Krispy Kreme donuts.
We indulge in fear each time we deny a conflict that exists with a friend--even though we know there is a cancer-like silence between us that Satan is probably filling with his lies. We can indulge in fear when we tell ourselves, "I've had enough. I'm done with this." While walking away looks like some kind of primitive strength, it's often a fear "feast" that results in us putting on weight (in the form of concern and anxious thoughts).
When fear keeps us from addressing conflict in our lives, it hinders our intimacy with Christ. We'd rather indulge in fear than delight in the love of Christ; yet, if we'd just delight in Perfect Love, scripture says that fear would flee.
Leaving fear behind is a bit like dieting. Standing at the freezer with our hand on the door and the ice cream on the other side, sometimes we just have to say aloud, "No." Standing in a conflict feeling sorely tempted to indulge in denial and flight (both grounded in fear), we must call to mind the lavish love of Christ, drop our hands to our side, and remind ourselves that fear is one indulgence we simply cannot afford.

The Fear Diet
There is no fear in love... perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4:18
Denial. One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that it does not exist. Or, if we cannot deny that the problem exists, we simply refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see Gen. 16:1-6; I Sam. 2:22-25).

Flight. Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may include leaving the house, ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or changing churches. In most cases, running away only postpones a proper solution to a problem (see Gen. 16:6-8), so flight is usually a harmful way to deal with conflict.
Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 23.

Thanks Kathy and others on this thread. Good stuff.

Kathy, I believe that really puts things in perspective. Human nature is to either to be in one ditch or the other. I believe God wants us to walk the pipe like you said. Thanks.

A thought I had on anger: I have heard that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Anger can be evidence of deep, deep love. Why else would God be so deeply angry with sin? It enthralls, tortures, mutilates and destroys His beloved. That is a beautiful anger.

There are so many times I have flung myself before God crying desperately, bitterly, angrily throwing out all the accusations in my arsenal many directly at Him. And I know that He knows that in my heart of hearts I trust Him with everything I've got. Why else would I be crying my heart out before His thrown? "Why?! Why?! Why?!" "When?! When?! When?!!" "How loooooooooooong, Oh LORD!" And I've found that He can take it and that He answers every single time - no fail! That is taking a looooooong time for me to learn! And to me, that is stunning...that freedom did not come cheaply. How stunning the cross.

I am learning to hear the wounds of others through the spite, the sarcasm, the gossip, the silence, the rage...you name it. Key word: learning! Just barely...

B/c God has heard me through all of that.

I am also learning to hear and heed the check in my spirit - I have heeded at times, and other times, its that old slip off the pipe, I guess, for which I must repent and again and again and again and again...

Sometimes I think we (the church) are not angry enough b/c we don't really care.

Thinking about it, God poured out His pain and anger through the words of his fiery prophets and in the scathing remarks of Jesus Himself. He is a passionate lover, jealous for the well-being of His beloved.

I think there is a place for gentle answers (they break bones!) and a place for what may be considered harsh words.

In all cases, if we do not speak in truth and in love, in the power the Holy Spirit, our words will only do harm.

P.S. I don't think I'll ever forget the pipe analogy!

Arara Azul,

I'm loving what you write. Keep it coming!!

H-n-H