MK forum

Sitting Duck, I'm so sorry man. I don't remember specifics, but I'm sure I participated in the name calling and verbal harrassment, and it was wrong. While at VIA I was a very scared, insecure, hurting child inside and I'm sure it came out directed to you and others. And that was wrong.

You know, as I read through these boarding school stories I am so saddened and sickened. Especially since I have children of my own. I can't imagine them facing these things.

When I spent the time in Via that I did as an associate, I felt it was the happiest place on earth. I was so envious that I had not grown up an MK. You MKs did your "parts" well. By that I mean, the parts you felt you were supposed to play. Where you acted happy and carefree and oh-so-glad to be there while your parents were in the tribes or other ministries.

I can get pretty indignant at the adults around you who knew you were being abused and didn't do anything about it. But it always bring me back to myself. *Why* didn't I know? If I had known, what would I have done? What if I had met with the opposition many of you did, after reporting abuse?

I was very young, single, naive and extremely enamored with NTM and my future with them. I didn't EVER rock the boat. I was not vocal as I am today. But I didn't really know about child abuse, either, for the most part.

It is so immensely sorrowful to me to realize that you MKs were so brainwashed that you played these parts to perfection, out of fear, *in* fear, in this environment where many of you were just hoping you'd survive.

I had one incident at Via where I endured a "calling on the carpet" type meeting. All because I- someone without a teaching degree who came to work in the office but was asked to teach so I did- skipped a part of a textbook I didn't think was necessary. This "meeting" went on for about an hour with 3 "adults" present. 2 of whom were making me feel pretty stupid and idiotic. One who just sat there and was only there because requested, but later told me that they did not agree with the 'meeting.' But said nothing.

Because of that one incident, I have just a slight taste of what many of you must have gone through... as little, helpless children. At least I was an adult. As much as I hated that meeting then, I am glad for it now because it has shown me just a taste of what you all went through and I can better understand the abuse you took. And I am so, so sorry.

I share this because my heart is always heavy, since I learned about this abuse at Via here on the forum, that I was so naive and so unaware. And that I had allowed myself to become so in love with NTM that I may have quite possibly gone on to swallow everything they gave me hook, line and sinker.

I was devastated when I couldn't go on with the training. Now I believe it was God's protection in my life. And I hope my experience with child sexual abuse and NTM/Via are because God has raised me up "for such a time as this" to encourage at least one person and to help in some way to make sure you all are not victims the rest of your lives.

A few thoughts, for purposes of discussion only:

(1) Think about some missionaries you know. Now, think of their poor kids, stuck in a tribe with them 24/7 for their entire childhood. Maybe being sent to a boarding school and being home-schooled in a tribal context can both be bad ideas. I know my share of social misfits from both camps. I know my share of people who have been abused in both contexts. I know people who have grown up in both context who have thoroughly enjoyed both and turned out great. I know people who grew up at a boarding school that have great relationships with their parents, and others who have lived at home and have terrible relationships with their parents (and visa versa). So, maybe "boarding school" vs. "non-boarding school" is really the wrong question, or at least an incomplete question.

(2) Regarding it being the parents' responsibility to train their children, consider this. Is it the parents' responsibility to train their child or is the parents' responsibility to ensure their child is trained - two very similar, but very different concepts. To the extent a child being trained propertly requires somebody besides the parent to participate in the training, are parents really shirking their responsibility by allowing that other person to participate. At what point is the level of participation by those other than the parents too much? (i.e., is it wrong for a parent to provide a child money to go out to eat rather than physically growing, cooking, and serving the child every meal - is the fact that the parent merely provided the means for the child to eat rather than "feed" the child meaningful to the determination of whether the parent has neglected to feed his child)

(3) Assuming that it is not possible for a parent to send a child to a boarding school without shirking some portion of the parent's responsbility, what is it that gives rise to this "shirking" - is it that it is not the parent his or her self that is directly providing for the needs of the child or is it becuase the child's needs cannot possibly be met absent the parent being the one to directly provide for the needs? In other words, can we say, categorically, that childrens' needs cannot be properly met in a boarding school context. (before this question is answered, consider a child that has no parents that grows up at a boarding school or in a foster environment...does the same rule apply to this child - that his or her needs cannot possibly be met)

(4) A comment on the brief "racism" discussion above. Could there be a difference between making a decision based upon "race" and making a decision based on the recognition of a correlation between certain behaviors and certain races? Assuming such correlations exist, it is "racist" to recognize these correlations? Assuming these correlations are relevant to decisions being made, is it wrong to make decisions based on this recognition? What I am trying to get at is that sometimes we mistake something as "racism" that is really an action based on some item that is merely correlated with a certain race. Assume that over 90% of Race X destroys a certain bar owners personal property after they have had greater than 7 drinks. Assume that only 1% of any other race destroys this property after the same number of drinks. Is it necessarily racist for the bar owner to attempt to limit the number of Race X that drinks greater than 7 drinks? The underlying motivation behind the rule is the protection of property, not race. Perhaps a better example would be a bar owner setting a 5 drink maximum for all races because of the correlation between a certain behavior with one particular race - would this be racist?

(5) Unrelated to anything else on this board. We have advocated the reporting of criminal activity to local authorities. I'm assuming the reason for advocating this is twofold; first, it may be the legal thing to do in certain jurisdications; and two, we want to protect future harm from being done. Should missionaries in tribal contexts report all known murderers and rapists in their respective tribes to the local authorities? Why or why not? If we say no, because it would jeapardize the work being done, are we not using the same excuse for inaction in the boarding school context?

Just thoughts for discussion - not necessarily advocating one view over another...just want to make sure we are thinking about things from different angles to make sure we are not missing something.

Dreamwords, my heart breaks as I read your post. For you, for myself, for my friends and siblings. I was so very much the same. I still feel the same as you mentioned, about how everyone whom you loved has left you except your husband and kids, and it's hard to truly love because you are so used to having loved ones torn away from you and you want to protect yourself from the pain. Having that happen as a very young child affects the way we are today. Good-byes are extremely traumatic for me, way more than they should be, I think because they take me back to those horrific and painful days when I was so young and was being separated from my parents. Every school break, I dreaded the day I had to leave home again. Then once we were back at school, I would live for the day I could go home. My wall was up and I thought I was fine with boarding school, I had the attitude that was desired of me, until I returned to visit as an adult and saw young children in the dorm - that brought back a flood of memories and made me realize it wasn't ok and I wasn't ok. My hope is in God, my Provider and Healer. He will heal us. Keep talking on here - it helps the healing.

This is bringing me extreme emotional pain as well, Wondering. That we would even THINK of comparing the pain we caused our children by putting them in boarding school with the pain caused to a grieving child who has permanently lost their parents through death. Dear God!! What are we saying???

But to my own eternal regret, I did that to my two older children, by pulling their tiny arms from around my waist and handing them over to strangers to raise. Strangers. Yes, they were NTM "co-workers", but I didn't really know them. Not really.

It makes me nauseous to think about what I did. I take responsibility for my choice, and I will never be able to forgive myself.

I committed parental suicide. I killed myself. My precious son and daughter lost their mommy. To this day, my older children who spent time in an NTM dorm as small children still have that "wall" up between them and myself. I created that wall. I deserve the distance they keep.

They say they forgive me. They say they love me. They say they know I love them and always have. But I can see the wall now. I see it because of the honesty and wisdom of all of you wounded MKs who've had the courage to speak up on this Forum. You've opened my eyes. You've shown me what I did, and how wrong it was.

My heart is broken.

So, when it comes to the theme of this thread, I wish to speak up and say, unequivocally: Mission boarding schools for small children are WRONG. NTM and all other missions should re-evaluate what they are doing, and the damaging message they are sending to small children by maintaining this atrocious practice of separating small children from their parents. No matter how many times parents say to their kids, "You are more important to me than my work," their children will NOT hear them! The damage is done! Our actions speak ever so much louder than our words!

Wrong, wrong. Bad, bad, bad.

All mission agencies must purpose to help young missionary families find other solutions to the need to provide little children with an education.

PLEASE close all dorms for small children. This, in itself, is a form of child abuse. It is unnatural and we must not continue to damage the parent-child bond of trust and security in this way!

Please!

I must apologize for being uncaring to the truly orphaned in my statement above. I was reacting to the statement I quoted that was put up for discussion. I just couldn't believe it would be suggested that since orphaned and foster kids are raised away from their own parents, it might be ok for MKs to have to do the same (that's how I read what was said). Raz, thank you for your support and for understanding. My heart goes out to you too, not just to the MKs. I'm sure you did what you believed was right, whether right or wrong. You admit you were mistaken in sending your your children away, but by speaking out now you can help others by preventing it from happening again, and also help others to recover from the pain (both for the parents and for the MKs who were sent away). Because unless this wrong is acknowledged and dealt with, the pain goes on.

Many, many hugs to you, dear Raz. I hear and feel your pain and I grieve for you and your children. (I also agree with what you said about boarding schools and young children.)

I pray in time that you will forgive yourself, Raz. I believe it is necessary and also what God would have for you in order to heal. (Romans 8:1)

I say this with much love,
Mrs. M