MK forum

Apologies , forgiveness and grace are second and third base issues. We can't even get to first base...the public acknowledgement of the facts. to use a second metaphor you can't build the house without the foundation, that foundation is the truth. NTM wants to build the house on sand. The sand is telling only what is legally necessary and spun to their purposes. So apologies are irrelevant and so are forgiveness and grace. The problem is not only one of the perpetrators being dealt with but who allowed it to happen over and over again? Until we reach first base the bullshit meter is red lining

My Dear Paul, if you are struggling with the "PM" button because it raises the spectre of "Personal Ministry" how are you coping with the "Submit" button?

I can see where you are coming from. I had this argument raised in the letter I received. It went along these lines, that a Doctor who commits a crime does not have their employing organisation called into disrepute or investigated, but missions are unfairly castigated for the actions of a few errant members.
Problem is this line of argument is faulty, I've seen hospital governing authorities taken to task for the actions of doctors they employ, for providing inadequate facilities, training and not checking backgrounds and CVs. Then they have had to make apologies to victims.
Sometimes the apologies are wrapped up in excuses and sometimes they are genuine.
Same with religious organisations. The Salvation Army recently issued a full and fair apology after being found to have paedophile who had done much damage historically in their childrens homes (this relates to the Royal Commission of Inquiry in Australia). The Australian Government a few years ago (under Kevin Rudd) issued an apology in their parliament for displacing Aboriginal children from their homes, a practise that has not occurred for decades, but has obvious ramifications that are ongoing.
A sincere apology is an attitude shift. Words are often cheap and meaningless, especially when wrapped up in Medical jargon, Political spin or Religious mumbo jumbo.

Now back to the keyboard issue. I've got a Sympathetic Agnostic keyboard, so "PM" means "Personal Musings" and the "Submit" key reads "Post and Duck". The "Alt" button is only used for "Alternative Thinking", not "Altering the truth", the "Control" button is untouched and the "Delete" key gets the occasional whack when I hit the "Post and Duck" button and wish I hadn't. But then I'm only human and have this humble keyboard .

To continue…
#1 I believe in the core value of NTM and taking the gospel to those who would otherwise never hear it. Although I am not an outspoken evangelist, I believe in an eternal hell and a gracious God who proved a way of escape through the death of Jesus Christ. NTM is certainly not the only ones taking the Gospel to the world, but they are doing it. (yes, I hear those exclaiming, “… at the expense of their children!” I’m not justifying any action, just explaining my foundations.)

#2 I believe the leaders at all levels of NTM, for the most part, want to and do walk with God – both personally and in their corporate decision making. Are there some who lead with arrogance and have a high regard for their own image or reputation? Working at NTM Aviation I hear stories from various “fields” and in my opinion I certainly think so. Do well-meaning leaders at times make decisions out of fear? I’m convinced they do because that is the nature of humanity. Are they intentionally protecting NTM at the expense of the survivors? I’m sure that they, at times, are intentionally protecting NTM; whether or not they consciously weigh the impact on the survivors I don’t know. But I do know, from speaking personally to some on the EC (including a very dear friend), that these issues have taken and continue to take a huge emotional toll on them (again I hear responses from my audience; I’m not comparing them to the survivors, I’m just sharing facts). I continue to write them and pose questions with the hope of showing them what I think is a better way to handle these issues. But let’s be honest, if either you or I were making the decisions, there would come a point where we would face choices just as difficult. It might not be with regard to abuse, but our decisions would negatively impact the personal lives of real people – and we would struggle. The intrinsic nature of leadership dictates that you cannot absolve yourself from difficult decisions, and the painful willingness to make a heart-wrenching decision draws a very clear line between one who is just filling a position and one who is a true leader. Yes, I do believe wrong decisions have been made; but I MUST return to my first statement in this paragraph.

#3 This point, for me, is the watershed issue. Although at times I don’t like it, I am convinced that I am exactly where God wants me -- and that isn’t just a easy escape route. I can point to three specific times in the almost-20 years that I have been with NTM when we seriously looked at options other than NTM (secular as well as ministry options), the latest being within the past two years. Now I’m a dumb sheep and I need to be led very clearly; and in each of these three cases I very clearly saw options that I was pursuing disappear or close up. Quite honestly (if I can use some church phraseology here), there are times when I wish God would open the door to something different; but as I look at circumstances, I must conclude that this is where He wants me. Perhaps I’m here “for such a time as this.”

I DO enjoy what I do. I have been very gifted in the ability to build and fix things, and I love doing it. And in the middle of all that’s going on, what I do is a vital part of keeping missionaries in remote locations as they serve God. It’s highly likely that some of your parents, or you yourself, found the services of NTM Aviation indispensable as they/you lived life in response to what they/you knew God (not NTM) had led them/you to do. If that sounds like I’m trying to put a guilt trip on you, I’m not. I’m telling you the realities of why I am still with NTM.

I don’t enjoy taking an unpopular stand on these issues. It’s not comfortable, it’s not easy; I’m viewed with suspicion by both the survivors and probably by NTM (by the way, I very specifically told them that I was posting on here because that’s the way I’ve always approached leadership). But I can’t escape what I see as the visible hand of God in my life. There are times (and already have been) when my words offend some on here, and there are going to be times when my words offend some at NTM. I do want to be gentle, but I don’t to walk around the barn and never open the door. Further, I appreciate those who “take me to task” when my words communicate something hurtful for two reasons: first because I want to understand those who are hurting, and second because I know my perspective is wrong in places. And you who are bold enough (or offended enough) are part of what is helping me learn.

Wow, I hope you had your coffee nearby if you’ve gotten this far. But it’s not my fault – Bemused opened the door on this one! You can send him the “please don’t ever do that again” requests. And I won't close in rhyme, or I'll also be getting the "please don't ever do that again" requests too.

Paul,

I think it would help me, and probably other readers here, to understand your position if you gave us a brief rundown of your history with NTM.

Thanks.

Thanks for the comprehensive answer, much appreciated.

I find it interesting to know why people do what they do, which is sort of why we are here really, because of interactions with others.

When I left PNG, I had considered 3 career options. Medicine, Aviation or building. Chose medicine in the end as had had hepatitis when I was 14 and was impressed with the local doctor who we consulted and fancied being a doctor (except I became a nurse). I did quite a bit of flying with my job and do a bit of building (mostly badly), so got to have a bit of a go at the things I liked.

I truly feel that the way NTM is handling/not-handling these abuse issues is a form of crazy-making. Here is an article about crazy-making that I found helpful:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cou ... crazymaker

A mother gave her son two ties for an upcoming family occasion. She then got mad at him when he showed up at the party wearing one of the ties. She wanted him to wear the other one.

Years later after the son had grown up and married, he presented his wife with two dresses for their anniversary dinner. He then got upset with her for wearing the wrong dress of the two.

A few years later, after they had a daughter, the wife accused the daughter of hugging the wrong parent first—even if the little girl switched whom she hugged each time.

Crazy-makers come in all shapes and sizes and can have good and bad intentions. Some know they are being manipulative and oppressive while others haven’t a clue. Some engage in tactics consistently and others provide intermittent surprise attacks. The challenge is to recognize the behavior, assess if it’s from a healthy or unhealthy place, and then employ the proper strategies to stay sane and empower yourself.

First, let’s look at the definition of crazymaking. Crazymaking is when a person sets you up to lose. Much like the example above—you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You’re in a lose-lose situation, but too many games are being played to help you reason yourself out of it. There is no rhyme, reason, or emotional understanding with a crazy-maker. Worse, when the behavior is stealth and so confusing, it becomes easy to feel crazy. It feels like you’re caught in a whirlwind of chaos with the life force being sucked from you as you are manipulated with nonstop crazy-making tactics.



KEY: CONSIDER IF YOU'RE DEALING WITH A CRAZY-MAKER

***

Top Three Crazymakers Personalities

NARCISSISTS

The granddaddy of all crazy-makers is the narcissist. Narcissists cannot empathize with anyone, meaning they cannot relate to another person’s feelings. They can only feel their own wants and needs. They are emotionally stunted, like a perpetually demanding two-year-old. It is always about them. However, they can be extremely charming and charismatic, as they have learned how to be the greatest salespeople to get their needs met. These shallow con artists can charm and mimic compassion for brief moments in order to get their needs satisfied. They expect only the best and can be the most materialistic—demanding trophy-relationships, endless objects of success, only well-known acquaintances, top-notch services, lavish vacations, etc. They have disdain for emotions in others and often think even less of people close to them. They try to control everyone around them and will use every available tactic to gain control. Many high-ranking executives are narcissists and consequently tend to create a narcissistic culture in their company or division.

DRAMA-CULTIVATOR

Another famous crazy-maker is the drama-cultivator. Whether histrionic or borderline or a version of other similar diagnosable personalities, the drama-cultivator is best known for their perpetual crises. They are like Chicken Little screaming “THE SKY IS FALLING,” but they expect YOU to fix it. Now. On their time. On their terms. Some people do experience an excess of rough times (and statistically it’s true that A LOT of crises can happen in one burst), but the drama-cultivator has an overabundance of crises. Plus, EVERYTHING is a crisis for the drama-cultivator. They expend their energy AND YOURS by responding to crises. They cannot empathize with others because they are too wrapped up in their chaos. Yet, they need you and your energy and don’t want you to leave them, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention. Like a wounded child, they also swing from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting you. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking in a field of hidden landmines.

STEALTH-BOMBER

The final crazy-maker is the stealth-bomber. They are the passive-aggressives that look like roses compared to the narcissist and drama-cultivator, but beware of their sharp thorns. These highly dependent people try to please you, but the nice things they do have a cost. They are the martyr that keeps score. Like a stealth bomber, just when you think everything is okay, they get you. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss the deadline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but stealth-bombers do it ALL the time and they get YOU to feel guilty about it. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details and then sulk and act like a victim if you get upset. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they’ve tried so hard.

Whether it’s a narcissist, drama-cultivator, or stealth-bomber, it is critical to ascertain if your power struggle stems from one of these crazy-makers. If so, empathy and rational problem-solving will not work (although paying attention to your own hot buttons is still key because crazy-makers have a keen ability to immediately spot your hot buttons and use them against you). Additional strategies are going to have to be used.

***

COMMON CRAZY-MAKER TACTICS

It is imperative to know if you’re dealing with a crazy-maker in the first place. However, the tendency is to be a little blind to this possibility if it’s a loved one or someone close. People seem to resist such a notion, so they end up taking the person’s behavior personally. They believe that the crazy-maker in their life could change if they wanted to change. They also expect the crazy-maker to play by the same communication and etiquette “rules” as everyone else, but they can’t. Let me repeat that again—CRAZY-MAKERS DON’T PLAY BY THE SAME RULES AS YOU. They simply don’t experience the world in the same way. It is as if they are dancing to a different song. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy-maker in your life dance to your song.

1. THE DOUBLE-BIND

The double-bind sets you up to lose. It can be like the example in the beginning where the mother gives two ties to her son and then gets mad at him for selecting to wear the wrong tie of the two. It can also be as subtle as a person giving a scolding look while saying, “I love you.” Another example is the ever-famous situation with two siblings and report cards. One has made all As and the other all Cs and Ds. The parent responds with “I know you did you’re best. Not everyone can be as smart and great as Johnny who makes all As,” which puts both siblings in a double-bind with each other.

Double-binds are negative messages disguised in a positive message or gesture.

The insult about choosing the wrong tie is cloaked in the gift of the tie. The son is trapped because if he complains, she can say he doesn’t appreciate the gift. The “I love you” is coupled with an angry look, so one is prevented from addressing the look because the counter-argument might be, “But I said ‘I LOVE YOU’.” Finally, both siblings are in a bind from saying anything to their mother about the grades as the punch in the stomach is hidden with supposed praise.

Double-binds happen all of the time. Start paying attention and you’ll be appalled by the frequency. Crazy-makers employ this tactic most often. So, what do you do? The answer lies in boundary strategies at the end of this section.

2. INCONSISTENT PRAISE

Crazy-makers are superior at giving inconsistent praise. Narcissists, drama-cultivators, and stealth-bombers are adept at keeping you on your toes and getting you to beg for their praise. There’s even a scientific explanation for it. Inconsistent praise tends to elicit desired behavior the most. As an example, numerous animal researchers have discovered that the best way to train an animal is with an inconsistent reward. Yes, an inconsistent reward produces the most compliant behavior in animals. That is why gambling can be so addictive because it provides an inconsistent reward. We literally get hooked.

Crazy-makers have somehow figured this out and provide the people around them with inconsistent praise. Sometimes they are just so loving, present, and/or flattering that it feels good. Then it’s gone. Some people get hooked and continue to put up with crazy-making behavior because they are waiting for the payoffs—the praise. In fact, crazy-maker’s praise probably does feel better than the person who is consistent with it. But, like gambling, it can be an addictive high that also has a queasy, unsettling feeling to it along with a high cost.

3. SELECTIVE MEMORY

Crazy-makers have selective memories. We all do, but crazy-makers are exceptional with it. They conveniently forget any problems you’ve had with them when they want something from you. Then they throw every wrong you’ve ever done in your face when they are upset with you. Like above, it’s inconsistent. You never know what your review will be like because you’ve learned that it depends on their mood. You know that the only thing you can depend on with a crazy-maker is that you can’t depend on them. They will hold a grudge against you and then expect you to forget any disruptions. They will manipulate like crazy and use their selective memory as ammunition.

4. IMPOSSIBLE TO EMPATHIZE

Crazy-makers cannot empathize. This is how you really know that you’re dealing with a crazy-maker because they will simply not be able to understand your feelings or situation. They might try to and give you a sense that they understand, but they can’t sit with it very long and generally turn the conversation back onto their feelings or situation. This is an important point. Empathy is a developmental trait. A child at four years begins to play with others in a more cooperative fashion for the first time. Prior to that, children play with themselves. If they are with other children, they are most likely playing in an individual fashion while sitting next to other children, referred to as serial play. That’s normal because they haven’t developmentally learned to share and take turns. Such skills kick in at around the fourth year. Empathy begins at this time as well. You’ll see evidence of empathy when you watch a child trying to calm down another crying child by giving them a hug.

Typically, a crazy-maker personality has not developed empathy, so they are more like a perpetual two-year-old at an emotional level. Knowing this is critical to protecting yourself in a power struggle with them. Keeping strong boundaries is key to dealing with a crazy-maker.

KEY: EMPLOY STRONG BOUNDARIES WITH CRAZY-MAKERS

***

BOUNDARY STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH A CRAZY-MAKER

1. TAKE AN OBSERVER POINT OF VIEW

There’s something about detaching and seeing a crazy-maker from an observer point of view that helps you not get entangled in their mess. It’s almost like listening to someone speaking a different language. All of a sudden, their attacks seem silly and confirm to you that they are dancing to a different tune. Letting go can be the biggest power struggle deflator of all. It can also save your sanity because you can stop yourself from engaging in a needless battle—or feeling the sting of a double-bind.

2. MAINTAIN A HEALTHY SENSE OF SELF-WORTH

Sometimes we attract crazy-makers in our life because they reflect our own lack of self-worth. We let bullies bully us because we somehow feel we deserve it on some level. We teach people how to treat us and often reinforce crazy-making behavior in our lives through accepting it. Don’t. Start telling yourself you are worth more. You can’t really ask for something from somebody else if you aren’t giving it to yourself first. So, love and respect yourself. Be gentle with yourself—especially when dealing with a crazy-maker. As proof, notice if the crazy-maker in your life treats other people better than you. Pay attention and notice if those people exude a higher sense of self-worth. That might be a clue to improve your own self-worth through positive self-talk and care.

3. KEEP A HEALTHY DISTANCE

Do you really have to have the crazy-maker in your life? Can you keep a healthy distance? Are you in a trap of believing that you will be worth more if the crazy-maker finally treats you better? They probably won’t, so don’t be afraid to move on. Narcissists need an audience; drama-cultivators require others to maintain drama; and stealth-bombers are dependent. In other words, you are the dance partner in their crazy-making dance and you can choose to stop dancing with them. There are other jobs and other friends that are healthy. If it’s a relative, you can still keep a healthy distance. Keep visits short and reward yourself afterward with nurturing care and positive self-talk.

4. CULTIVATE INTERNAL VALIDATION

Sometimes people won’t play fair. They’ll use crazy-making tactics and engage in power struggles to feel better about themselves. You can play into it and escalate the battle or you can take the higher road. Taking the higher road includes finding internal strength. Some refer to it as spirituality. Some feel it from the heart. It’s that endless supply inside that rejuvenates you and causes people to become resilient in the face of the most challenging adversity. It is the source of hope. Tapping into it is proof that you’ve developed a good boundary. People cannot drain your energy field because it’s directly tied into the abundant source of courage, hope and love. You don’t have boundary leaks because YOU ARE NO LONGER DEPENDENT ON EXTERNAL VALIDATION. Fear is replaced with faith that the source of hope is abundant inside. Your heart is not hardened and your mind is not cynical. You are fully adaptable to change and at peace. In short, you are the change you want to see and you are modeling it for the world.

***

You now have a sense about how some of the most common crazy-making personalities operate and how people with these personality styles can incite destructive interactions despite your best efforts. Crazy-making tactics were also described so that you can now identify and defend against them in the moment. In addition, a number of boundary strategies were given to help you when dealing with these unhealthy situations. The next chapter discusses communication tactics that can be utilized with crazy-making types of personalities along with anyone else.



From Chapter Five, Ten Keys to Staying Empowered in a Power Struggle