MK forum

I live in childhood conditioned fear:

When confidence is undermined
when every action is placed on an esoteric spiritual plane,

When a child's attitude or behavior is responsible for an adult's well-being
For a parent's standing at the base

When you see hunger
When you see tragedy,
Poverty
But it will not do, to help


When the rules change with each airplane coming and each airplane going
When the Field Director makes your mother cry

When each friend you make, is a friend that leaves
When each yearbook hold such different faces

When you prepare little speeches for stateside churches
And practice praying

When you are supposed to look pretty
But shopping is evil

When men are to be leaders
But not to be trusted

When nationals are welcomed in church
But barred from the home

When what you wear
Might cause a boy to sin

When your virginity
Is the only trait that matters

When you can't ask your parents for money
But they can ask the supporters

With prayer cards that last forever
And public letters with tidbits about the kids

When you must believe with all your heart
But your heart is shriveled and scarred

When what you sing is sinful
To her, but not to him

When you can't sit still for a moment longer
When sermons make you ill

When the girl beside you shakes at going home
With scars she can't explain

When best friends aren't allowed to talk
When journals all get read

When Christian schools,
And public schools
Both don't tell the truth

When you have to be so careful
So careful, so careful.

When we have to trust in The Lord,
But be very, very careful

Fear.

Yes, always the fear.

The term "eternal security" is terribly ironic in that environment, isn't it. There was no true security at all.

Can you tell it was my Therapy Thursday?

It was sobering for me to realize that on some level, my parents would have been more comfortable if I was really down and out--hated my husband, left my kid. Then they could swoop in and rescue the perishing, care for the dying, and return me to the fold.

Sorry. No way, no how, will I ever be subject again.

Too many years gone. Getting married at 20 was one way of getting away. Getting the control and consciousness out of my head is much harder.

I want to go to sleep and wake up on an island, with someone handing me a margarita.

Aye, the swooping and the rescuing, been there, seen that. But it is not done for compassionate reasons, there is no compassion. It is as you say, to return you to the fold, so that you will be a clone, a "yes" person who will never expose the real truth.

Now about the Island thing. What are you waiting for? Get a map of the world and look South, between South American and Australia. See it now? Couple of Islands, with friendly natives, some of whom are MKs. With a wine list longer than you could possibly imagine and warm welcomes without "We Welcome You".

That sounds too lovely for words. It's been a long time since I've been able to get away. You know, I don't think I've ever had one week of my life where I could do exactly what I've wanted to do.

I never wanted to be the one left behind. The one doing pick-ups and drop-offs at airports.

Helping buy from other people's last-minute shopping lists.

Getting a house ready for those returning.

Cleaning up a house after they've left.

Returning cars to rental places.

Going to church send-offs to show family support.

Sending packages. Never receiving any.

Hearing over and over about their life and their needs

Never talking about your life. You're just here.

The one waiting.

Getting old waiting.

Trying to prove you have a worthwhile life.

Putting the word "church" in, to gain a nod.

Watching what book is on the shelf,

Where the wine is hidden.

Looking out the front door, waiting.

"I'll help you carry those in! You must be so tired!"

"Tell me all about your trip"

"What was hard? What went wrong?"

"Can I get you a cup of tea?"

You have to go ? We'll talk about me later.

I'm sure you want to know.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Just so desperate for some contact, some connection

It seems ok to do. Just give up a little more.

Til the image you've created, is a shadow once more.