MK forum

The boarding schools are part of a bigger problem. The leadership style is a big problem. NTM is starting to talk the talk but I will not be convinced until I see them really walking the walk thru putting genuine, gracious servant leaders in place around the world. My... said he would have much rather been give a beating than have his Dad yell at him. The emotional/spiritual abuse was much worse. The old saying "sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you" is so not true. To those who have been sexually abused; For you is that the worst abuse? I would think it would be but I was never sexually abused but had all the others to some degree. My bro in law's mom is dead now. I hope I will see her in heaven, I think I will. My bro in law and my sis have their own kind of spirituality, they don't go to church hardly ever, they don't seem to read the Bible, my sis refused to read a Bible verse at my wedding as my matron of honor. They have pretty much rejected main stream, traditional Christianity. I keep praying for them and asking them questions and I try to be open and honest about my relationship with God. I'm afraid that they will die and go to Hell but there is always hope in Jesus.

When I was a teenager, I used to say too much religion too soon makes anyone a basket case. I spent a number of years in boarding school where I was spiritually and emotionally abused. I was told God wanted me to be totally submissive to his will and those he had put in authority no matter how miserable it made me feel. God was a big bully in the sky. I used to be very afraid of him, what was he going to do to me?, I was never good enough. I also developed a habit of putting myself down - 'things will always go wrong for me, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, noone will ever like me etc'. All of these ingrained habits I attribute to the emotional and spiritual abuse I suffered. Healing takes a long time. I remember clearly when I was a twenty-something going through my litany to myself of how I was no good when I heard an outside voice, ouside of who I considered to be my 'self', say very clearly, 'Stop! Stop right now! Don't ever do this again! I made you, I love you, you're the way I want you to be'. I interpreted the voice as God speaking to me and that was one moment which became a starting point towards change.

Another moment that began healing was when I was twenty-something and out of the blue I began to relive things from when I was a 6-year-old being sent off to boarding school, memories that I had no recollection of began to pour into my mind. I didn't just remember, but I relived them, I was a child again. In all the memories, I hadn't been allowed to cry because according to the dormparents, we kids couldn't cry because our parents were serving the Lord, therefore we had to be filled with joy. (To this day I hate Chrsitians telling me to be filled with joy when something difficult is being faced. I'll be unhappy if want to, angry if I want to, 'get off my back'). In the reenactement of these memories, I cried and cried like I hadn't been allowed to do when I was a kid. I couldn't stop the memories, they just kept flowing in. For 3 full days and nights, all I did was remember and cry and cry. I went to an older friend and said 'I think I'm going crazy. I can't stop remembering and crying'. and she said 'It's the Holy Spirit cleaning you out. Cry and cry . Let it all go. Remember everything. Let the Spirit work'. So I did that. After about 3 days, the memories stopped. I discovered in these memories that I was really, really angry at my parents and at God. The anger was the anger of a 6 year-old, not of an adult who can see 2 sides to every question, and knows decisions are complicated. It was the anger of a child not understanding why these people and God were making her suffer. I cried all that anger out as well.

After that moment, I was able to deal with my MK past better and begin to be more honest and slowly work things out. I also went to a counselor and talked to him and he let me know that the boarding school atmosphere had been very negative and I had to rework my picture of God, I had to reject the ideas I had picked up at boarding school - C&MA when I was a 6-year-old and NTM when I was older. I find it very hard to imagine someone having a good time at boarding school.

I agree with JerryB, honesty is good for healing. If I am angry or disappointed or even hate God, it is better to be honest and tell Him truthfully how I feel. He already knows me, even better than I know myself, and He still loves me! always has and always will. I am safe with Him

*healthy*
That's the original question right? It seems they can be tolerable or "useful" at best. But healthy seems too strong of a word. For the purpose of the socialization of a teen perhaps boarding schools might be healthy. But for young children--I think not.

Both my husband & I attended boarding school growing up. One of us from age 7 until graduation. The other one for just 1.5 years in the dorm, the rest of the years living at school as a staff kid. This in no way is meant to belittle or make light of all the tragedies that have occurred at boarding schools over the decades, but for us, although we remember homesickness and a few difficulties, on the whole we thought our experience was positive. (Now shadowsprings, your husband's experience gives me pause. :( I only wonder how much of our boarding school experience affects our parenting... I know just being an MK seems to have affected my ability to quickly and easily form a bond with people.) BUT now that we are parents: WE WILL NOT SEND OUR KIDS TO BOARDING SCHOOL at THAT AGE! For us, everything changed when I became a parent. I didn't begin to regret my experiences or resent my parents. Yet at the same time I knew I wouldn't and couldn't do that with my own children.

Now, once our kids are highschool age, I think we'd reconsider it at that time dependent on our situation, their desires and their specific needs, and the exact schools that are available to them.

I agree, that boarding at a young age--even if in a "perfect" boarding school environment with "perfect" dorm parents and teachers, has the potential to be devastating to the attachment between parent and child. Sometimes reversing damage to attachment is like...., well I had it illustrated to me once this way: we were studying caring for children with attachment disorders or attachment difficulties. Our instructor told us: "This water bottle is the child. Every time I pour water out represents each time the child is abused. Ok, now that the bottle--the child is empty of love & trust--the abuse begins to smash it. To crush it. Now you are responsible for caring for this hurt child. How will you help them heal? Can you try to just love them enough? Try that. Try pouring some water back into the bottle. It doesn't work because the bottle is broken. Love cannot fix it." So the point was the child needed healing, but even after the instructor was able to "heal" the bottle, to straighten it out and make it so it could hold a bit of water again, it still held the scars of the abuse. But I believe even for children who haven't experienced abuse, that you don't mess with attachment. Don't risk it. Even for a "perfect" boarding school environment.

I really think it's a good point several have made about making raising your own children during those short early years a priority. Letting the needs of your children determine where and what you will be involved in. I hadn't really thought about it in this context before. But for our family it was a huge blessing that a support role was offered to us that fit my husbands skills AND allowed us to be driving distance from a school (driving distance as in the kids can live at home and go to school during the day). We really waffled between support ministry and church planting, but the fact that I KNEW that I couldn't be involved in the church planting in a meaningful way because I WOULD be (we didn't discuss IF) home schooling my children & caring for them full time, really affected our decision. I don't agree that culture & language requirements should be dropped for moms in the village because of the isolation they end up living in, but perhaps couples should be strongly cautioned to examine themselves & their abilities and the needs of their family before taking on a church planting role. To me, when I learned of what would be expected of me in a church planting situation, I thought, That makes sense. That sounds necessary. BUT it sounded utterly impossible FOR ME to do both that AND parenting well simultaneously!

Yes I would agree with pretty much all that you have said. The only point that I differ on a little is the one about the language/culture learning. When we were on the tribal team it was in the strategy statement that the wives had to learn culture/language. Ironically I was one of the people who agreed to this but I was a single at the time and had no clue what was required to be a mom. I felt very sad about not being able to connect on a deeper level with the locals because of my limited understanding and communication however the overall experience was worth the few years of sadness and discomfort, it actually drew me closer to God. I acknowledge that it could go the other way as well. Even though I could not communicate with words very well I tried to show my love in other more practical ways, smiling, being generous with time, money, and food. Offering practical help etc... When my husband and I and our kids left the field we really felt like we were leaving friends behind even though we could not speak each others language very well and we were of different faiths. The point for me now is that I wasn't able to do anything well because I had so many pressures on me. I know for me personally that caring for my family requires pretty much all of my time and energy. I have to limit everything else. Individual families should have freedom to choose what is best for them. Individual families should have freedom to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes.

Going back to the boarding school thing I wonder if we can ask singles to have more of a ministry at the boarding schools as a way to make it a healthier environment. For example being older brother and sister types or helping with everyday, general duties and chores that come with taking care of a large number of children. Are siblings allowed to stay together or do they get separated? Helping kids keep up with personal hygiene and cleaning rooms. Helping with homework, devotions and giving individual attention to each child, playing with them and helping them if they hurt themselves. Of course the singles would need to have a heart for this and have all the background checks and training etc...Like I said I'm not sure if I even like the boarding school idea so just trying to think outside the box.

I went to see my favorite band james on saturday and tim booth, the singer, introduced one of the songs like this: "this song is about attending a british boarding school as a child. going to boarding school can be a horrific experience." as you can imagine, it really affected me in light of all of this NTM abuse madness finally being exposed in the GRACE report and on these forums.

tim booth obviously didn't attend a missionary boarding school, but i think this song makes a fair point that the majority of people who attend one of any kind end up being affected emotionally by the experience, whether they realize it until their later life or no. i wouldn't be able to make the argument that attending one is ALWAYS a horrific experience, but the vast majority of people that i know who attended one of any kind wish that they had not, and no child of mine will ever set foot in one.

this is the song he wrote about it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uYarumWvB4

and the lyrics:
So I'm on my own
Far from my broken home
And it costs
Feels like ten below
Pack me off to school
Innocence and trust are all lost
Where did my childhood go?

Calling from the pay phone
Trying not to cry
Feeling I am dying
Telling you I'm fine
You tell me it's the making of me
That's a fucking lie
When's the holidays? Holidays. Holiday

I'm at the bottom of my bed
Headphones on my head
John Peel show
Feels like ten below

The sky's a dull gun metal
Where did the sun go
And it rains, and rains
Feels like ten below

Turning on the weaker ones when we were bored
I used to have feelings but all I feel's a hole is where the heart is
And the organ praise the lord
When's the holidays? Holidays. Holidays

He's at war
He's at war
With himself
At the world
He's at war
He will strike first to anticipate
He's at war
Doesn't know how to relate
Feels like a cold war spy
If he's caught
Take the easy way out

Joie ...one of the best things I've seen on this site. How easy to relate!!! Pure and simple - God gives us the responsibility to raise our children. How dare we neglect that for whatever reason and pass that on. Boarding schools are NEVER, EVER ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A parent has the responsibility to raise their children in the very best way THEY can..not others can!