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Time for a laugh, so how about this from some time ago.
Twelve Tips for Loyal Subjects of the Queen, who will be attending Conference:
1. The Head of State in Chicago and the surrounding provinces is not “The Queen”, but Mr. Obama, who is addressed as Mr President, not “Your Majesty” or “Your Royal Highness“. His wife is “the first lady”, not “Princess Michelle”.
2. Football is not the same as soccer or rugby. You only have several days at conference, trying to understand American Football in that space of time is impossible, don’t even try.
3. Pitching your tent on the hotel lawn is cute, but not advisable. Just work longer hours to pay for a proper room.
3a. You could offer to share a room with someone, to cut the cost. But seriously, unless there is someone else from Downunder, it is not fair to inflict your jetlagged, muddled time zone ramblings and wanderings on your kind hosts.
4. If you are from the Big Country Downunder and are invited to a have a meal with some of those from the host nation, there is no need to reciprocate with a “Barbie up in the hotel room, with an array of freshly BBQed Wombat, Kangaroo, Platypus Duck and Emu”. You will set off the fire alarms and probably be arrested for importing strange animals.
4a. If you are from the Small Country Downunder and dig a hole in the hotel lawn (next to your tent) insert hot stones and steam your food, calling it a Hangi, the gardener will probably not be impressed.
5. There is no ‘u’ in honor, favor e.t.c., get used to it, 300 million people spell this way.
6. Putting “Come In All, welcome” and abbreviating it to “C.I.A. welcome” on your hotel room door, will probably guarantee you visitors, but they won’t be Mks.
7. It is customary for members of the host nation to carry firearms. It is not advisable however to wear a 12 inch knife on your hip, even if you are dressed like Crocodile Dundee.
8. If you are male, please try and find at least one pair of long trousers to wear, your hosts know that you probably haven’t worn them since the day you graduated from High School, but wearing shorts all the time will raise a few eyebrows. Dressing like Crocodile Dundee will also raise a few eyebrows, but your hosts are fellow Mks and will no doubt offer therapy (they have therapists for everything).
8b. If you are female, your skirts don’t have to be one inch above the knee, but a mini skirt and boots might just be a bit much. Lycra cycling shorts are best in the gym, not a formal get together.
9. Adjust your watch to local time. Very few Mks will want to engage in games of soccer or see your pictures of home at 0300.
10. If you are invited to “shoot some hoops”, please don’t pull out a joint from your pocket and say “why not”. You are being invited to play basketball.
11. For Australian guests, it is customary to shake hands as a greeting. Whacking a host MK on the back so hard, and shouting “g’day mate”, that their dentures fly out and they have other medical emergencies, is not advisable.
11a. For New Zealanders, don’t copy the Australians as above. Just be polite as usual, your hosts may not initially be able to tell the difference between your two nations, but after a short period of time they will soon figure out there is a big difference between the two countries.
12. Enjoy the conference, if you have any questions, someone will happily answer them for you, when they figure out what on earth you are talking about with that funny accent.
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