MK forum

Dear Jerry, I wasn't going to post anything on this thread, as my beliefs are pretty obscure and dubious or non existant.

But I've had that line since our connection with NTM began, with the added bonus "You are going to Hell". It's warped arrogance at it's best and probably closer to psycological manipulation in reality.

How can a parent, dormparent or teacher say "I love you and if you don't believe as I believe then God will get you and you will go to hell"? It makes the "I love you" totally hollow.

I really don't know if I was loved as a child. And I still don't know if I am as an adult. Oh yes, I have some people in my life who say they love me, but it comes with strings attached in the form of "and now this is what I want from you". And this is why I find it hard when I read a heart wrenching post to say "I feel for you", not because it is wrong to say that, but for me to say it to someone I don't really know takes me back to the insincere fake stuff of my past. This is in no way decrying others ability to empathise, it is my own failing based on my own insecurities. I just don't cope with emotion and feelings that well.
So at this point you're thinking, hang on Bemused, you say you're a nurse???? Yes, and a very good point. How did a nurse clock up 30 years of service and not be able to handle emotional outpourings of others. Hard to explain, but being in uniform does help, being ones job does help and finding the nearest kind female nurse while I empty the bedpan or attend to a technical matter works.

I learned as a child that anything could be used by those higher up the chain (and there was a definite pecking order) to exert unjustified influence on those lower down. It was insidious, it was a culture of fear and I doubt it was Christ like.
So I walked away, for it just wasn't me.
As for what Bemused believes, it doesn't really matter, it's what he does with his life that does.


P.s. for the record, Mrs Bemused and Canine Bemused do love me, the latter does have some dubious motives connected with the food supply however, but I can live with that .

Bemused I love your honesty.

I do believe God loves me unconditionally.
Now this is not the god of my childhood. I am trying to figure out what things I believe about Him. But I know He love me unconditionally. If He loves me He loves everyone, and I want to love them too.

First I learned I can tell Him just how much I love, hate, or doubt Him at the moment. He knows He made me human.

I have a lot of things I don't know what I believe like most of the theology I learned over the years. Hell is one of those things. They sure used that on us a lot. Really not a lot different than the Africans used the Komo to keep the children and women under their control.

Oh I believe in Hell
I was there for 6 long years
And when I escaped
I realised it was the sum of all my fears

I carried out pieces of Hell
And slowly shook them free
Till one day it was but a minor load
And I became the real me

But I still have memories
Relics from a long dark past
That nag a ghostly finger
Saying "your happiness cannot last!"

But what of the others
Who were there with me as well
Did they escape against all odds
Or are they still trapped in private hell?

Did they find the courage
To face the demons at the gate
Or are they somewhere lost
And will be till "The Late"

Lie: everyone else is more important than you. You must always be last or you commit the sin of pride and God hates proud people. Never say what you want always ask the other person/people "what do you want to do". You are not worth as much therefore of course you are last.

Truth: God knows the number of hairs on my head. Struggling with the rest still...

Lie: You are a girl/woman so you are not smart. You cannot lead or have good ideas. Men won't like you if you are smart. Stay in your place and don't say anything. Your university degrees are not worth anything as its just the "knowledge of man"....it's not godly. You aren't that smart.

Truth: I am smart and I work hard. I am using the brain God gave me. The people in my team at work seem to like the way I lead them and we can also have fun. My husband loves me and thinks I am smart (just like he is)

Lie: God will take you out (cause you to die) because you are just a bad example of a christian [I got this one when I left NTM].

Truth: my time will come but perhaps God has a purpose for me yet and I won;t die in a fireball of a car crash as predicted by an NTM leader.

Well Shary you have opened up a real can of worms with this thread. But worth it I think. I almost feel a load come off my shoulders to type those few things out (and there are more!)

Thanks to all!
If it helps you----YAY!
And it helps us understand more too.
Not that we didn't have our own battles in NTM.
But not as children and there is a HUGE difference there.

"And I became the real me..."

One of your best lines, Bemused!
I didn't do this until I was WAY grown up.

Hi AF,

Missionaries are supposed to be honest, but no one is perfect. There were good missionaries and there were some very bad ones, who did not care for the people they lived with.
It sounds like you had contact with some bad ones. You are welcome to tell your and your peoples story on this website if you like. This is a place for everyone to share their stories and we do listen (and talk a lot too ).

AF you are correct the god so many presented was not the God of love.

LIE God is angry at everyone and will get even.
I so believed that if it was good god would not do it for me, if I wanted something he would deny it to teach me something. This god was waiting to make something bad happen to me because I deserved it. I no long have a god like that.

AF I have seen many missionaries who have no respect for the people among whom they live. They are just looking for converts to write home about. I am so sorry your village had to suffer. It was wrong and those who treated you this way should be held accountable.

I agree with Bemused you are welcome to tell your story. We will listen. We most like will not be able to do much else, we haven't been to successful in the past. I think you will find many MKs, even those whose parents didn't show love, love the people they grew up with.

Seen on a T-Shirt:

"I have gone to find myself.
If I come back before I return
Please keep me here."

HAHA!

But not so haha
If no one LETS you go
Or if you never even had the thought that
YOU ARE SOMEONE WORTH FINDING.