MK forum

I am an American NTM MK who married a non-U.S. citizen. We spent a few years in NTM as a couple before resigning and changing organizations. I am opening this thread to discuss the experiences of non-U.S. NTM members. I would love to learn more how I, an American, can learn more about cross-cultural relationships. Even with my many years of experience living in other cultures, there is still so much for me to learn.

Even though I was completely comfortable within NTM, I slowly began to realize that my husband was not...he was just very noble and put up with it, perhaps for my sake although he did admit that he also desired acceptance by the mission. One story that he shared with me helped me realize some of what he had experienced, sometimes on a daily basis. He was chatting with another missionary, an English-speaking American in the NTM office. Another missionary approached and began a conversation with the missionary my husband was speaking to without acknowledging or greeting my husband. This would be considered rude in any culture, probably, but in the Latin/Hispanic culture, this man was communicating very clearly that my husband was so beneath him that he was not worthy of greeting or of being noticed...it was if he was invisible.

It could be argued that this man was just really oblivious and had no idea of how he came across (so then what good was his time of CLA Culture and Language Acquisition?), but this was not an isolated incident and after a while of it happening all the time, my husband said it became very hard to continue to forgive and overlook. He said it put him in a very difficult position...he wanted to be godly and yet it was very hard to struggle with the feelings that were rising up in him and the constant need to offer forgiveness (have I mentioned he is very noble?) without being asked for it. One could say he should have been 'Biblical' and gone to the offender, but this is a sticky thing in some cultures...with his cultural background, it is very difficult to call attention to being offended in this way (and besides, when he did finally have the courage to bring it up, he was accused by leadership of being unforgiving, which was hurtful)...there are ways that this culture addresses these issues, but they just aren't as confrontational (usually) and verbally direct as we Americans might be. And we Americans aren't as good at detecting the nonverbal signals that other cultures are adept at sending and receiving. I finally just realized that my husband's need for respect and acceptance was more important than my felt need to 'belong' to NTM and I determined to never again ask him to sacrifice his self-respect for my petty whatevers.

I don't think that NTM is the only mission organization that struggles with integrating members from different countries...I imagine that this is a huge challenge for any organization with members from all over. However, the agency that we work with now places a high priority on teamwork, whatever it takes, and that is a good place to start. I have noticed, however, that the use of English seems to be somewhat standard in our current org. and I have often noticed members speaking English in front of locals...I believe that there is some leeway in that, perhaps, but I strongly believe that the effort should be made to adapt to the local culture/language as much as possible. Missionaries chose to be missionaries and go live in another country, right? So why the attitude that the locals should adapt to the foreigners and not the other way around? One local friend who had gone through the NTM national training (but didn't go on with NTM) told me that it's like these missionaries stamp the U.S. flag on the bottom of their shoes and that way everywhere they step is American soil! LOL But maybe sadly true?

And as it turned out, the more my husband and I tried to adapt to the local culture, the further we 'strayed' from the NTM culture, which in itself was an eye-opener for me. We were in a country where there isn't too much of a gap between the two cultures (U.S. and local culture)...I imagine that it must be a bit of a different dynamic to adapt to a culture that is vastly different than one's own, such as in PNG. But anyway, that's a whole other topic that I haven't got time to go into right now.

Thanks for this excellent post. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout.

Sometimes it's just so embarrassing to be an American ...

Thanks, Raz! Yes, I've been embarrassed, too...I think some of the worst moments have come not from 'newbies' who really don't know better (yet), but by some of the things done by people who have been on the field longer and should know better.

I remember one women's event I attended where I chose to sit beside one of my Latina friends as I saw she was sitting alone. Others came to join us, including two wives of leaders (both American). I found myself in a strange and very awkward situation for me where these two women were carrying on a conversation with me in English while my friend looked on-she did not speak or understand English. To honor her, I responded in Spanish and yet these other women seemed oblivious to the situation...being as they were in leadership, I wasn't sure how to address the situation. And both of those women had been 20+ years on the field.

The assumption made by Latins goes something along these lines...the longer the foreigners are in my country, the more they will (should!) learn my language and culture...therefore, if someone who has lived here for so many years is still choosing to speak English in front of me even when I don't understand, then they are purposefully choosing to do so and therefore it is an intentional offense. This may not be the message the foreigner is trying to send, but that is very well what may be received on the other end. I sensed that many of the national missionaries wanted to think the best about their foreign coworkers, but it was hard when they were receiving these mixed messages.

I came away wondering how the newest missionaries on our field were ever going to learn to respect people from other cultures if that kind of behavior is/was what was modeled for them?

A typhoon had temporarily stranded a monkey on an island. In a secure, protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed obvious to the monkey that the fish was struggling and in need of assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree precariously dangled over the very spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down and snatched the fish from the threatening waters. Immediately scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground.

For a few moments the fish showed excitement, but soon settled into a peaceful rest. Joy and satisfaction swelled inside the monkey. He had successfully helped another creature.

Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christ-like Humility

This little story had a huge impact on me and changed the way I related to my husband and to others...it really hit home that my heart's intentions can be honorable and well-meaning, but that good motivations aren't really all that's needed to maintain 'life' in my cross-cultural relationships.

Part II

With the change of Principal, matters took a bizzare turn for the worse. The man was tall and imposing. He used blackmail to get what he wanted and his honesty was questionable. Not long after we both contracted Hepatitis A, I spent the time at home and was kindly visited by another teacher, who given his own state of health should have been the last person coming near me. When I went back to school, I sat by myself for a long time after I was infectious, my father asked that I not be made to physically exert myself, at which the principal denied the request. The bullying escalated and spread. I became a straight "A" student, but never received an end of year prize and even had written on my report card "could do better". For me it was a childhood of confronting bullys, being beaten up and retreating into isolation. What kept me going was a sense of humour and the knowledge that one day I could escape and leave it all behind.
The supply department played favourites, so that some items were not available to Kiwis (I don't know how the Australians fared, they can answer that one themselves) and there were cases when items donated to us were stolen by those who felt they were more entitled. I was asked to work in the supply department, but at the end of the job, suddenly I wasn't able to be paid. Get togethers were organised and we'd be left off the invitation list e.t.c. Interstingly the only Afro American missionary in PNG at the time stayed with us when she came out of the tribe.

In the end I got thoroughly fed up with the discrimination and left the school and did correspondence for the last two years. It was not a popular decision with the powers that be, but my father kindly stood up for me. Then one day I went home by myself, I don't think anyone bothered to say goodbye and I never heard from another non Kiwi MK for decades.

What happened to my parents was typical of what happened to most Kiwi MKs. They were eventually forced out of PNG, by being given the option of returning to boot camp or being ejected. It was never made entirely clear what the issue was, but in any dispute it was always the "foreign" missionary that took the blame and there were enough missionaries who did not want us on the field, except to work had and keep quiet. If we owned a house it was confiscated and no renumeration given. Any rent recieved was syphoned off into capital works and possessions just disappeared. I understand no North American citizen suffered this indignity.

The root of the discrimination was probably just a handful of people, but the shame was that few had the courage to stop it.

Every time you have to tell it
It does not get any better, Bemused.
It is shameful.
You have come thru it
For the benefit of many others..........

And that is a sign of
Hope.

In my experience of NTM and another mission there are no typical Americans. No need to feel any embarassment AnotherMK and Raz. I met some really amazing Americans (who years later I am still friends with) and I also met some really strange ones who seemed to have no idea about the rest of the world (even basic geography). It used to amuse me that many Americans thought the rest of us were after green cards. One time I felt the need to state that I had no desire to live in America and it was a shock to the system (and then they got offended which I had not intended at all). Just like there are strange Kiwi's (Bemused not included) there are great Kiwi's (Bemused, Maire and myself included in the latter category). Its all about people's attitude to others and every citizen of the world is on a continuum of that scale. Be embarassed no more. The ones who need to be embarassed (along with shocked, repentant and many other terms) are NTM leadership for the way they have treated MKs ....of all nationallities.

Thanks!