Came across this today while reading some of my old journals...
FATHER'S Day 2006.....six years later and things have changed, for the worse, for the better and as always....still longing for that father figure!
"Today is the day to honor our father - show our love and appreciation for our father as through the years he gives us love, protection, guidance, acceptance, shelter, spiritual leadership, security and stability. As daughters our father is our first love - our hero - the one man who will teach us how to relate to the real world as we grow. We as daughters (and sons) rely on our father's to believe in us, teach us and "let the handles" on the bike go when we are ready but be right there behind us as we fall.
As I woke up this morning I felt something....a push. A push of strength and knowledge coming as the year of 2006 and fathers has been hard, sad, frustrating and confirming. I have come to terms at 34 with my own relationship with my father. I have watched Alex as a father struggle to retain his relationship with his children as they are continually torn from him then turn around and offer the best he can as strength to my girls as their future step father. I listen to my daughter cry as she explains to me that she confronted her father with what she feels about him only to be punished in shame for hurting "his pride"
Today is the day I truly learned what a "father" means. A sermon told me....
A sermon that changed my heart. Today I learned that even though my father abandoned me emotionally, leaving me confused and lacking a sense of belonging - I have a father that will protect me and guide me. His name his GOD. For so many years I have been chasing the dream of a daddy that will love me no matter what, that will look at me with eyes full of pride and beam at the thought of me walking into a room. I wanted to be his angel, his light, his baby. NO matter what. I never had it but I also never gave the pain over to GOD and surrendered to GOD as my father and protector. Instead I learned to protect myself through angry words, aggressive behavior and a constant "I can do it" and "do it better" never sitting still long enough or being quiet long enough to learn and hear GOD.
I became so scared of the years went by without protector (as the years went by....more pain and lack of protection occurred) that my sense of protecting myself became so prevalant that it hurt my life through a violent heart.
I pray for you my dear sweet Sara...tonight as you struggle with your feelings, pain and hurt for and with your father."
WOW did I need this tonight an to re gain my strength for the day ahead.....My mother is back at it again. I can't bring myself to share this story yet all be it funny but more sad and painful for me to bear right now. My father goes into shut down, lock down or robot mode and I am left in fear, panic and a little heart that won't stop pounding with tears and the spin cycle of disaster, and trauma to be expected....just the unknown of the level.
This is from a journal I started in 2006 when I could no longer afford or fight the lies and attorneys my ex had and lost my children for him to put money in his pocket instead of mine for our girls. I wrote for a year until the pain became unbearable literally leaving me with a stomach that has been empty since Feb. 6, 2006 as I lost my role of Mother.....and only saw my girls every other weekend. I wrote everyday so they would never feel I abandoned them or have forgotten years with me from the hurt of loss.
I did obtain them back after two years of doing nothing but working to make myself financially independent, a home for them, schools, degree and lost my relationship as it was with Alex as the sacrifice. I held onto his $200 "pride" checks written out to heather Embleton for a year and didn't cash them. The h being lower case represents he doesn't see me as a person....not even a pro noun. The E is capitalized as a reminder that he did all this to me because I went from Mills back to Embleton. I finally cashed the checks when I discovered (working in the Mortgage industry) that he lost his home in Auction to the bank. The very home he bought to start the 3 year abuse in the court system in custody battles. It didn't make me feel any better.
Today I need to remember GOD is my father and I dedicated my babies to him as Heather Mills on May 7 2001 single Mom in a Baptist church. The only one on stage without a spouse, a father or a friend. Me and my girls. I love them more than I ever imagined loving someone.
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