|
It was suggested to me that I try to journal the events from the dorm. Not with the intent of reliving that nightmare, but to help me realize what it was that I felt at the time, help me to realize how it has affected me then and over the years so that I can truly, completely heal. Help me to sort it out, so that I could take steps, baby steps if necessary, towards TRUE healing. My first thought was, why in the name of St Pete would I want to journal and relive that?! And the few times I've attempted it, I realized why I had never done it before now - because it is much easier to look back at that time as though it were happening to someone else...a third party observation. That way I didn't have to feel, didn't have to relive the nightmare, didn't have to get in touch with my feelings...by being a third party observer, I could pity "that girl" who was being abused. I could get angry at the abuser and not have to worry about him knowing it. Being a third party was... safe...it was distant and...it wasn't real...and it wasn't healing. And only recently I realized one more benefit to journaling - it would go AGAINST the very thing he asked me to do...see, we were sitting in his dorm office - the window was open, the doors were open - it all looked very "normal"... nothing to really be given a second thought. But, you couldn't hear him talking unless you were almost on his lap. He was telling me that if I needed to talk, or if I needed to sort out of any of "those very normal feelings you may be having, don't write about them. Come talk to me. If I'm busy, slip me a note under my desk calendar and I'll make time for you." ....I feel stupid, but I fell for that... I was confused and certainly not at all sure about what the heck it was I was feeling, and if those feelings were "normal", why didn't any of the other girls seem to be having them?... I don't remember what the note said but I do remember he made time for me - at night, after lights out. Let me just say, that was the LAST time I did that. And like my promise of silence, I never wrote....and that was hard, because I found out early that my best communication tool is the written word. All of this to say, I wonder now, as I make yet another attempt at journaling, if somehow that promise to never write is creeping up in the back of my consciousness and because I hold promises to such a high standard, it has contributed to me keeping my distance...I have made a decision. I AM going to write. It will be (and please forgive my language) hell going through that nightmare and I have no doubts that a few curse words will slip through, but like that promise to not talk about it, this promise to never write about it - I WILL NOT BE UNDER HIS CONTROL!!! And I have something now that I never had then (at least, I didn't know I had then) - I have the support and love of friends and family and Loved One.
To those victims who are still unsure of whether or not to come forward....This is definitely NOT a battle we must fight alone. You have only to reach out your hand and we are here - for you, for each other, to lean on at any time, to cry with and yes, I believe, even be angry together. Together we can help each other. And with God's loving arms around us, we will heal and be complete.
Thanks for listening,
That Girl
|
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
Atta girl! You have hundreds of supporters & a Savior rooting for you. Those times that you feel overwhelmed and ready to succumb to defeat, I hope you'll remember that you're not alone. Hoping that your voice encourages others to find theirs.
