MK forum

In an effort to avoid clogging up serious threads with humorous news reports, they have found a new home here.

I originally expected to write one or two and then run out of inspiration, but thanks to the good folks in NTM, it looks like this is set to be the longest thread on the entire forum! I wish I were clever enough to dream up these kinds of things myself!!

Please remember that this is a thread that is totally fun. Any resemblance to actual people, organizations or planets is coincidental.

There is a lot of information out there, so others are welcome to file reports as well...

Be back in a bit, I hear the teletype in the next room now!

Information Mysteriously Vanishes from all NTM Web Sites

Cyber Security Experts Baffled

Early this morning, NSA investigators began investigating what appears to be a malicious cyber attack on web sites owned, operated or associated with NTM, a multi-national corporation with fingers in many pies, but no hands in the cookie jars. Many pictures, most information and virtually all contact information had vanished by midnight Monday. Most mysteriously, NTM Australia had become Crossview Australia. Attempts to contact the Crossview Chariman [sic], Director and Book Keeper [sic] were stymied by a lack of contact information.

What began as innocuous and almost imperceptible deletions has cascaded into a total rout, resulting in a general uproar among customers anxious to check on the status of their cookies.

"For a company that specializes in communications, this is a disastrous turn of events," said Paul Flaming, Professor of Corporate Communications at the University of Wisconsin – Woodworth. "To be hit with something like this just as they were re-re-reinventing themselves is potentially ruinous. All they need now is another bus accident and it could push them over the edge."

Blog entries began self-destructing soon after it was discovered that they contained sensitive information that could be used to contact top management and raise questions about the historical breaking of cookies. Authorities originally theorized that NTM personnel had taken down the blog entries themselves, since the blogs were clearly not designed for accountability, but for accounts receivable, as can be seen from the following excerpt from one of the first blog entries to disappear:

Thank you for you [sic] on-going prayer and financial support!
Brian and Julie
414-232-6601
Brian_coombs@ntm.org
Julie_coombs@ntm.org

Following rapidly upon the mysterious disappearance of that blog entry, most NTM web sites worldwide went blank. NTM web sites and phone lines, normally humming with data, shut down with such suddenness that cyber-space was left largely disjointed and without adequate direction. NTM has formed a committee to hire outside investigators to look into what is now being called on Planet NTM "this historical shut down."

NSA agents, somewhat leery of this solution, have begun their own investigation. "NTM is a great fund raiser, but when it comes to solving problems, their track record is a little weak," said an agent on the condition of anonymity. "And by 'weak' I mean 'disjointed.'"

Elsewhere, it has become all but impossible to find a picture of or contact information for Dan Kreider, a member of the Ruling Party in NTM Land and an elder at Northland Church. Email addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers and even physical address for other members of the Executive Board have also been deleted. It is now impossible to do anything online besides make donations to the NTM Legal Defense Fund.

Phone calls to former NTM phone numbers reached an automated answering machine, which gave the following choices:

For apologies or clear answers to simple questions in plain English, please call a different number. In fact, call a different organization. We have our hands full right now.

For double talk, please press one.

For little white lies, please press two.

For prevarications and subtle deflections from the truth, please press three.

For outright lies, please press four.

For the latest howlers from internal communications, please press five, three times.

To report a broken former cookie, please press six.

To have your lawyer speak to our lawyer, please press seven.

To order NTM gear, please press eight.

For questions on retirement, please press nine.

To make demands, please press zero. By the way, we will NOT respond to demands, in case that has slipped through the cracks in your mind.

OH MY!
Laughing so much it hurts!

What number do you press to make a donation? Or is this an 0900 number, "please don't ask your parents first, just listen to the very long message and $5.99 per minute will be added to your phone bill"

I'm still digesting all the buttons Gene gave
And Bemused adds another one?
You guys are too much.

Best Practice
Is probably
Not to press
Any………….

New Tribes Mission on the Come Back Trail

Shareholders and Stakeholders Applaud Outside Decision Makers

As New Tribes Mission has stumbled from one report of crumbled cookies to the next, analysts have held out little hope for their future. Former cookies have been proliferating, while some employees have actually received stiff prison sentences for shoplifting. Former employees, that is.

Early attempts to interact with broken former cookies were handled personally by the CEO, and consumer confidence was partially restored. However, eighty hour work weeks took their toll and a committee was appointed to give some direction to protecting cookies, under the watchful oversight of an Executive Board member. Internal documents posted on a now defunct member blog blamed the failure to give direction to cookie protection on the committee, without any reference to the Director of the Cookie Protection Office. The failure of this committee resulted in disjointed efforts and botched attempts to silence former cookies.

After a thorough search for fresh talent, a new chair was found for the vital work of this committee. However, initial missteps minutes after taking over threw NTM back into disarray and outside experts were called in a last ditch effort to recover lost ground. And finances. Especially finances.

"It's a good sign that NTM has moved outside the narrow confines of their own employees to find help in dealing with broken cookies," said Paul Flaming, a much sought after management consultant based in Woodworth, Wisconsin. "Protecting cookies and dealing with broken cookies take different skill sets, and it's not surprising that this latest fiasco has hit the fan," he said.

"It's still true that NTM dropped the ball," the management guru continued. "They were a little hasty in equating 'doesn't require dismissal' with 'does require retirement.' They took quite a hit over that one, but soon bounced back and forced a very influential employee to resign. That took guts. Best practices would indicate that their best bet now is to continue letting others make decisions for them; others might not make the best decisions, but they can only be better than the ones NTM has made on their own of late."

When pressed about the propriety of delegating decision making authority to outside concerns, Mr. Flaming responded that private polls taken of NTM employees around the world indicate that there is a ground swell of support for taking the Executive Board totally out of the decision making loop. "Even if we don't know who these other bozos are, they can only be an improvement on what we've been subjected to so far," one Field Chairman said on condition of anonymity.

"We are not abdicating our responsibilities," said Rad Sass, a vocal member of the Executive Board. "I can't tell you who is on the Independent Panel, but I can tell you that they are all well known to us and have close ties to Scott Ross. We trust him implicitly."

No general uproar has been raised over an unnamed, anonymous Independent Panel making personnel recommendations for NTM, whose own policy is probably too vague to apply in borderline cases anyway. Shareholders and stakeholders have expressed confidence that NTM is well on the road to full recovery from this latest disaster.

"Look for a restoration of communication from the Executive Board to employees as soon as they can be sure there will be no more leaks," said Paul Flaming. "Until then, no dice."

Ultimate Warrior Down For the Final Count

Longstanding Rivalry Produces Surprise Successor

The Ultimate Warrior, one of the biggest stars in professional wrestling, died Tuesday at the age of 54, World Wrestling Entertainment said in a statement. Born James Brian Hellwing, Warrior legally changed his name in 1993.

The sudden loss of the flamboyant and popular wrestler has left a huge vacuum, one which the most talented wrestlers are vying to fill. An unexpected entrant in the rush to be the new Number One is Scott "Esquire" Ross, tag team captain of the Sanford Tribers, a little known wrestling team based on the tranquil shores of the Saint Johns River in this sleepy Florida county seat.

Ross first came to national attention coordinating team efforts as the Tribers attempted to fend off their long time rival, the feisty Fanda Eagles.

First into the fray for the Tribers was Gary "WeWhack" Earl. After initially thrashing a few opponents, he was retired from the bout due to moves in violation of WWE policies. Eventually, he resigned from the arena, exiting just before the door hit him on his way out.

Disappointed fans have raised a general uproar, calling for the door to be given another chance.

It was at this stage that Scott Ross began to show what he is made of. Shuttling, shifting and scuttling team members in and out of the ring at dizzying speed, he did his best to keep the Eagles on the defensive. Tribers thrown against the Eagles included Bing "Scott-is-busy-traveling" Hare, Brian "Director" Shortmeier, and Brian "the latest name" Coombs. Apparently Andy "I'm not going anywhere" Kline has gone somewhere, and he was a prominent no-show at the event, which has gone into overtime.

The Eagles were represented by only one fledgling, Former MK. Former MK took on all comers, threw them out of the ring one at a time and eventually forced Scott Ross to call a total halt to the match as his team regrouped for the next round.

"The smart money's on the Eagles," said Paul Flaming, a bookie based in Woodworth, Wisconsin. "They are in a good position to demolish the Tribers in the next round. But, Scott Ross is well placed to weather the storm and make it on his own. He's faster than a lawyer chasing ambulances!"

Attempts to contact the Tribers' office were answered by an Independent Panelist. "Best practices at this stage call for a strategic blackout," s/he said.



Tomorrow: A report from the Annual Awards Night of the Spoof News Writers' Guild

We interrupt ongoing reports with the latest from our "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Department:

"Most attorneys and crisis managers agree that the best defense to increased injury, costs, and suits is a good response. There appears to be a new and growing trend by Plaintiff attorneys to target missions, churches, religious groups, and international aid agencies as the next deep pocket for litigation in the US and abroad.

"To answer this growing concern, TRGI is dedicated to the highest level of professionalism, impartiality and confidentiality in each project undertaken. The type and quality of the multi-disciplinary team that makes up the group cannot be matched in its international exposure and understanding of the complexities of multi-national events. All staff and investigators have been vetted and trained in up-to-date investigative techniques for internal international corporate and NGO investigations.

"More specifically, our investigators have been fully trained in the Best Practice Standards and investigative practices of the Child Safety and Protection Network. In addition, for child abuse investigations, investigators follow the NICHD protocols for investigative interviews for alleged sex abuse victims."

From http://therossgroupintl.com/response-services/

Paul Flaming, a Professional Best Practice Standards Specialist based in Woodworth, Wisconsin, gave high marks to this line from the above: "Most attorneys and crisis managers agree that the best defense to increased injury, costs, and suits is a good response."

"It's good to see that, as an attorney and crisis manager, my colleague Scott Ross is so deeply concerned about defending his clients against increased costs and law suits. This is what Best Practice Standards is all about," he remarked. "We all care about the victims, of course. But, as attorneys and crisis managers, we dare not expose our clients to increased injury, costs and law suits," he explained.

"Attorneys who bring suit against these fine organizations on behalf of former MKs, for instance, are only concerned about money. They don't care about former MKs any more than we do," he said, calling a sudden end to the interview.

Attempts to contact Scott Ross at NTM corporate offices, the Ross Group International corporate offices and the corporate offices of Fort Sherman Academy, where Scott Ross works as an , along with , went unanswered, as Best Practice Standards had prepared us to expect.