I am a victim from the dorm at Aritao. I am now an adult, and have not been "whining" because until now, was convinced no one would listen or believe me.
If they (those in leadership) truly cared, truly wanted to help, they would have listened when the suspicions were first raised. They would have done everything in their power RIGHT THEN to right the wrong as much as they could. But it was not done. Yes, the abuser was sent Stateside. Yes, a counselor was brought in, but that counselor was never even introduced to me except as a guest who was sitting across from me at the dinner table. That was the introduction. It was never suggested, encouraged, or even asked if I wanted to speak with the counselor. And the cruelest of all? THE COUNSELOR WAS A MAN!!! How, in any logical thinking, would you expect any girl, who had endured unspeakable acts done to her, how could anyone in their right mind expect me or any of the others to speak with a male counselor?! Where was the wisdom in that decision?
I suffered in silence because the abuser had convinced me that to speak up would to betray his trust and my parents trust, and break a sacred vow to God. I believed in the leadership and was ultimately betrayed. NTM Leadership will get through the investigations, they may be battered and bruised but they will get through. My life was shattered into a million pieces. Those I trusted, believed in, sought advice from, those i believed would protect me instead betrayed me and left me alone to pick up the pieces, and they never looked back, not once.
They didn't see me waking up in the middle of the night, shaking with fear because of nightmares. They didn't see the broken relationships because of the inability to trust. They don't see me now, as an adult, still looking over my shoulder, scared beyond words, that Les might be lurking around the next corner, in the shadows. They don't see me struggling daily, to hold the pieces together, trying to make a life out of pieces that don't fit. They don't hear the questions going through my mind, wondering what I did so wrong that no one would help me, that no one even seemed to care enough to ask and truly mean, "how are you doing?" They don't see the cold sweats, the anxiety attacks, the panick attacks, the thoughts of suicide, the overwhelming urge to intoxicate oneself beyond comprehension just to be able to FORGET...
And someone said "You don't see her whining?" YOU DIDN'T SEE ME AT ALL!!!
If any of you in leadership at NTM are a parent, whether a foster parent, a biological parent, a god parent, or at all in the care of children... Do you believe that if a child in your care, or in your life, were to come forward to you about being sexually abused that you would in essence tell them, "It's okay that those things happened to you. It's okay that your life is forever changed, shattered, and broken. It's okay the person abused you. It's okay because they said they are sorry." Are you telling me that you would be able to look a child in the eye, seeing the innocence gone, seeing the fear, the shame, the guilt, the questions, the brokenness- you would be able to see all that and tell them with all seriousness, "It's okay, it happened such a long time ago just drop it. Besides, he/she said they were sorry!"
Because your silence is screaming loud and clear those very words. You're thinking "why can't you be thankful things aren't worse?" WORSE!? Ask me! - at one point DEATH would have been a welcome relief from the burden of what I carried. Everyone can SAY they are sorry. Everyone can ACT the part of being remorseful when there are people looking or when they get caught. But what about when no one is looking? What then? Do they sigh with relief and think, "that was close but I got away with it." Only God can judge the heart, this is true, but actions should reflect a repentant heart. Neither running away or waiting to be caught is showing remorse or repentance.
To the other survivors of abuse of any kind from this man, please, do not honor him any longer with your silence. He has been protected long enough. We do NOT owe him any loyalty, of any kind, for anything. We DO owe OURSELVES and it is our right, to heal completely, to live fully. For those who have found true peace and true healing, please, do not be silent. WE CAN NOT STAND BY AND CONTINUE TO PROTECT THIS MAN BY OUR SILENCE. The next victim could be your best friend, or their son or daughter..or it could be your niece or nephew...all I am asking...don't let there be another victim!
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