I am back.....after months of dealing with my true diagnosis and desparately trying to find ways to cope with the never ending train wreck that goes on in my head now that I remember it all and dealing with the never ending health issues from my abuse.
I was able to get the info on NTM paying for my counseling. Thank you everyone! Anyone know if they will pay for my schooling?? Change my BA into a Masters in Social Services to help children of sexual, physical and emotional abuse through art therapy??? And someday Adult survivors of abuse....have to survive first!!
Anyway....here is something I wrote recently during one of my manic moments of memories and whys??? Thanks everyone for letting me vent and get this off my chest. I literally have NO ONE close to talk to about this. My family continues to pretend it didn't happen to ME. Everyone else yes just not me.
November 4, 20012…………………………………………………… DEVIL in the CHILD
I WANT TO KNOW WHY??? WHY I HAD TO LOSE MY INNOCENCE and SPIRIT for the SAKE OF CHRISTIAN “DUTY”
WHY DID I HAVE TO BREAK HIS DAUGHTER’S ARM TO ESCAPE HIS SEXUAL ABUSE LEAVING ME TO LIVE A LIFE OF THE ‘BAD GIRL” THE “ANGRY” ONE, THE ONE THAT DOES'NT KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT….
YES I KNOW NOW. FOR 30 YEARS I WAS ABLE TO BLOCK IT OUT. AT WHAT EXPENSE??
SEVERE ISSUES IN ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE. HAVING ANGER BECOME MY “PROTECTOR” THAT SCARED LITTLE GIRL NEEDED SOMEONE TO PROTECT HER, STAND UP FOR HER AND GET HER HELP.
NO ONE NOTICED, NO ONE CARED. NO ONE KNEW. I KNEW DEEP IN MY SOUL. I KNEW BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY I WAS ALWAYS SCARED. WHY I WAS SO SEXUALLY ADVANCED ULTIMATELY LEADING TO PROMISCUITY WHICH LED TO A BRUTAL RAPE, TORTURE AND KIDNAPPING. THIS DOMINO EFFECT LED ME TO WHERE I AM TODAY.
WANTING TO DIE!!! PLEASE LET ME GO GOD. PLEASE. I CAN NO LONGER HANDLE THE NIGHTMARES, THE IMAGES, THE FEAR, THE RAGE, THE PAIN AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE NO ONE IN THIS WORLD BUT PEOPLE WHO USE MY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND ADULT TRAUMA TO HURT ME MORE.
God’s work and human souls were on the line. And that’s how many NTM employees were led to believe that fighting for their children’s well-being would compromise their Christian duty.
Someone please help me……I am just a little girl. I love you God, help me. I love you Daddy, help me. I love you Mommy, love me back. Help me.