Some significant books in my journey:
Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning - well, pretty much anything by Brennen Manning
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge (for women) also Waking the Dead by John Eldridge.
Byzantium by Steven R. Lawhead
The Pressure's Off by Larry Crab
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzaro
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
I Have to Be Perfect and other Parsonage Heresies by Tim Sanford (MK and PK - this book I go back to at least once a year to review)
Letters Never Sent by Ruth VanReken (MK and Missionary) - if you've never checked out her stuff, definitely do. She is an expert on TCKs. I cried through her whole book - letters she wrote to her parents as an adult as she remembered her years in boarding school.
I never used to characterize myself as being fearful. I've never been one to keep my kids from trying physically challenging things or taking (calculated of course) risks, I don't live in fear of "accidents" that could happen. Then when my husband and I were seeing a counselor it began to dawn on me that everything I did was motivated by fear - fear of not being perfect. But it went deeper than that - the fear of what would happen if I wasn't perfect. Any guesses? Abandonment, esp. emotional abandonment. What if I turn out to be a huge disappointment to the people I love most?
It's taken a lot of time, but gradually my old thought patterns are being replaced with truth. I recognize much more quickly now when I default to an old pattern. For example, I stopped saying "should" and replaced it with "could". I could never measure up to all the "shoulds". "Could" gives me a choice.
The most significant turning point for me from which I have never recovered was when God revealed his love for me in such a personal and intimate way that I cried in disbelief for hours. I can rest, knowing that He is the one who will be faithful to complete the work he began in me at the moment of my conception. He doesn't need or want me for what I can do for him; he just wants me to know and love him as intimately as he knows and loves me. He will somehow take all the pieces of me, yuck included, and work it all into a beautiful masterpiece that will bring him glory. Amazing.
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