You know, I think we've all been subjected to isolation in various ways. However, it seems that for those who've attended NTM boarding schools, the indoctrinization, fear, sense of walking on eggshells, and downright distrust of authority pervaded our innermost selves.
When I attended an NTM boarding school, I made the mistake of liking the most popular girl in school, whose father happened to be on the board . . . . This promptly put me in the bulls-eye, and I felt the target on my back for the entire time I was there . . .eggshells were common-place for me. Talking about feelings was foreign, for revealing true thoughts came with grave consequences, either a "talk" with the board, or being expelled. I came close to being thrown out a couple of times . . .the reason: disrespect for authority, or something like that. To this day, my father still doesn't know what the reason was that prompted an emergency 600-mile bus trip to save my school year. So, the isolation . . .oh yeah, I had it in spades. However, I masked my fears in an naturally outgoing personality that enjoyed laughter, playing Trivial Pursuit, and sports. For me, the closest thing to Heaven was being picked for second half volleyball. Suffice it to say, I spent much time in purgatory . . . .
Quite apart from my "bulls-eye", I struggled with hearing loss in my right ear. This loss wasn't debilitating for I had learned to gloss over it, whether it be laughing off not hearing something, or getting the phrase wrong because I didn't quite hear it . . . . I became quite the faker . . .yet I was lonely.
The loneliness continued in college, where I suffered further hearing loss, thereby exacerbating my ache to relate, while struggling to hear. All my friends sat in the back rows, but my hearing precluded that, so I was the loner who sat in the front row. Still fearful of truly opening up, I could dazzle listeners with history facts and the lives of great men, but trembled at the thought of opening up my inner self. Heck, looking back, I didn't even know WHAT I was feeling half the time! When emotions are suppressed, fear is king, the result is a disjointed way of looking at the world of emotions inside. Outwardly I appeared a driven young man; inwardly, I had waves of emotions and feelings I could barely name, much less even control at times.
Perhaps the most insidious of all was the creeping fear that if I wasn't perfect, if I didn't excel, then I was unlovable. This "meritocracy of love", I've struggled with my whole life, but the time spent in a NTM boarding school sharpened it acutely. No God of grace, just one of judgment just waiting to hand out demerits or disapproval . . . .
It wasn't until I started reading John Eldredge's book, "Wild at Heart", a few years ago, that I started putting a name to many of the emotions I was feelign inside. Then, I read, Dr. Henry Cloud's book, "Boundaries", and realized that so many of mine had been violated, frankly, obliterated, and I had to reclaim whole chunks of myself. Finally, this website, where I've reconnected with many MK friends, and I found out I wasn't the only one. I wasn't weird. I wasn't alone.
Thanks for sharing Rroym. May you find the healing you so desperately desire from the Father Who so desperately loves you!! All of us walk the journey with you . . . .
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) up to all sorts of misunderstandings and judgments. it is sad. i know people just want to 'make sense' of it and by trying to make sense of it, they compartmentalize and organize it in their minds in a way that matches up to their own experiences. and unfortunately, if you haven't been abused or been a loved one of someone abused, most often you really don't and can't get it.
) But it has been a great experience being here.