MK forum

Spiritual abuse is an uncomfortable subject to discuss. Especially for those of us who are Christ-followers and still hold out hopes for his church. However, it is an issue we must consider, with eyes wide open. Spiritual abuse is a cancer, destroying the body from the inside out.

Boz Tchividjian's guest blogger has a powerful story to tell, about his mission experience and the spiritual abuse he now understands was used to control him.

Please read the full post here:

http://boz.religionnews.com/2015/02/20/ ... -get-told/

Here are some excerpts that resonated with me. They relate directly to what many of us have experienced. (Underlining added.)

"...the unfortunate paradox of spiritual abuse, I think, is that the more devout you are, the more susceptible you are to it. My church leaders knew me inside and out. They knew I would do anything to please God, help the church, support missions, etc. So when I made the incredibly difficult decision to end my mission in Africa, they knew exactly what to say to keep me quiet and ashamed. They used my own spiritual values to beat me into submission, and that, to me at least, qualifies as abuse."

"I think control, even at its most benign, has no place in the church. If the idea is that we’re supposed to disciple each other, to “come alongside” and help one another in our spiritual walks, then we have to leave our desire for control at the door. I might be oversimplifying things, but I think control is more a byproduct of fear than of love. So in my experience, the act of controlling someone’s spiritual life is usually a telltale sign that something isn’t right."

"When I was finally able to break away and come back home, my church wanted to keep my experiences in Africa a secret. They didn’t want me reaching out to anyone and they didn’t want anyone reaching out to me. I was expected to recover in private. So not only did they want to control my pain, they wanted to control my healing as well."

"What I didn’t understand before Africa was that spiritual abuse has one main tenet: the victim gets blamed, and as a result, victimized a second time."

"Boz: What do you believe has been more hurtful and painful to Jonathan, the experiences in Africa or the way the church has responded to it?

Amy: It’s interesting that you ask this question because when I was reading GRACE’s report on Bob Jones University, one of the survey respondents discussed this very thing. Her expectation, our expectation, is that the people who know you and love you will understand, will work to protect you and heal you. At the very least, you expect them to believe you. She said the response from those she trusted was more damaging than her assault."

"... we, as Christians, often feel the need to be God’s press agents. We feel the need to put a positive spin on negative things so that God doesn’t look bad. But God doesn’t need our PR."

Oh dear, this is a very grey area.

Sexual and physical assault/abuse are relatively easy to define or draw a line which when crossed becomes abuse, but "Spiritual Abuse" is a much more confused picture.

If one defines that Spiritual Abuse is forcing ones "religious beliefs" on others who do not necessarily want it, then by that definition Missions could be classified as committing Spiritual Abuse, for that is the very nature of missionary work. Of course NTM and I presume other groups get round this by saying they are "invited" in to whichever tribe they are planning on working in. Personally I found these claims a little to convenient, when the exploratory groups reported back to the chapel sessions about their trips and it was always the same that they had been asked to send missionaries. Maybe they were invited, but I doubt the whole package deal was explained and what the natives thought they were going to get was probably more of a physical nature than a spiritual one.

Of course most missionaries would say that they are not pushing their beliefs on anyone, but that they are sharing with those who are "willing to listen". But then how many times have we seen the recipients of "sharing" divided up into good/faithful believers and naughty natives who have rejected the good news. And guess which group gets the candy and coke?

Then take it to from the macro mission level to the micro family level. Some families were lead by at least one religious fanatic who went far beyond anything that was "normal". And there were no limits as to how far the fanatic would go to manipulate the minds of others to make them tow their own evolving religious thought and some of what was evolving was totally whacky. Of course the protagonists of these forms of extremism didn't see themselves as religious at all, they never do. They call themselves spiritual, everyone else is religious, because only they have discovered the "true path" and even their fellow NTMers often don't measure up to their pious standard. Then develops the religious pecking order, with themselves at the top, their fellow Triber extremists (who are on the same wavelength) next and so on right down to the "Satanic Catholics" who are out to . . . Of course other groups soon get labelled as Cults and Sects, but really wasn't that where the extremists lay and were just throwing the mud over the other side of the fence.

In my experience, it turns out that the happy childhood that was supposed to occur in PNG, was for many full of sexual abuse, physical abuse, racial abuse and because this made so much of it one big lie, it was therefore an unhealthy diet of Spiritual Abuse. After all what else would one call being secluded in ones room until one made a profession of "Christian" faith? The religion had to be rammed down others throats by the extremists because it was a faulty product that was far removed from the simple faith it was supposed to be. And the extremists were not got rid of, they were in many cases idolised as being the most saintly and thereby took their own mission into the realm of a "cult" and many good folk with it.

Just my humble musings Raz, thanks for asking.

Raz, thanks for sharing this! What a sad thing to happen to this man, but how brave for him and his mother to share their story. I'm so glad they did, and hope it will result in the "eyes of the blind" being opened and more recognition of the reality of spiritual abuse -- which in turn I pray will result in those who abuse being no longer tolerated by the Church. Too often the quick path to forgiveness is used, when what is required is justice for the abused and punishment for the abusers.

We absolutely cannot avoid discussing the role spiritual abuse has had in MK abuse. As the author said, it's particularly effective on the devout, and I would also say, on the devout and untaught. I know for myself, when I first became a Christian, I was full of zeal, but my knowledge of the Bible amounted to a few Sunday school stories. I made the decision to attend a NTM Bible school. I am so thankful for the knowledge of scripture and doctrine I received. But while there, I also began learning the NTM doctrine of conformity and unquestioning submission to those "God has placed in authority over you." And this wasn't just happening to me, it was happening to many of my fellow students.

By the time I left I was very indoctrinated, to the extent that I believed in the practical near-perfection of the Mission, it's leadership, procedures, and members. If I heard of any "wrongdoing" it was by a few "bad apples" and I looked down on anyone who "left the Mission" as if they just stepped out of the limelight of God's perfect will.

I think back on that time with sadness - that I was so blind and unquestioning. I pray that with age comes wisdom, and that another institution will never have that level influence over my personal spiritual journey. The Holy Spirit is my teacher, my counselor, and God is the one to whom I must give account. No other.

_________________
^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^
"I think—I don't know—but I think I could be brave enough."

_________________
^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^
"I think—I don't know—but I think I could be brave enough."

That's a good point.

It is totally befuddling as an outsider looking into the "Protestant Christian" world and seeing the diverse range of spiritual products on offer and then finding out that there is a lot of infighting between the various adherents. And while the ecumenicals make some effort to reconcile the differences, the more fundamentalistic seem to have little tolerance or love for anyone who doesn't go down their path.
So it becomes an accident of rebirth as to where one ends up, just like physical birth does.

So the answer is for us to all become Agnoistic? Good heavens no! Why on earth would one want to become a tortured soul full of doubts?
No, no far better to live a life of simplistic faith that is an example to others of inner peace and harmony exuding gently into ones surroundings so that all who are in contact with it are blessed. Not hiding ones light under a bushel, nor using it to light fires everywhere, more letting it burn gently.

Of course you can.

But I'm no guru, not even a tarnished saint. Just an MK who in the last 4 years has been on the most interesting of journeys, from a devastating earthquake (home gone in 5 seconds), changing jobs, moving houses, writing copious posts, making new friends, a new career direction . . .

And now here I am, a Sympathetic Agnostic MK trying to make sense of "Spiritual Abuse" on a website of much more deserving saints. That's ironic.

Spiritual Abuse: We cannot avoid discussing this

We shouldn't avoid discussing this, perhaps?

Spiritual Abuse: So many of us grew up in it and thought it was the only way. It made us valueless, and bad. God is not happy with you when your dress is to short, wet your bed, you miss your parents and cry. You are so naughty you can never go to heaven. God becomes the mean guy sees you all the time. Sing "O be careful little hands what you do, for the Father up above is looking down...." I never heard anything after "looking down" by then I was in terror. Besides love meant punishment, "I punish you because I love you" spiritual abuse was around us 100% of the time. God was the reason for everything that happened including sexual abuse, physical beatings, denial of love. If anything went wrong it was because we had displeased God.

How to get free? Each one has to find their own way. But we can all agree spiritual abuse is based a lies. Lies used to control people like our parents to serve God you must sacrifice your children. Lies used to control children in boarding school. These lies were so much part of these people's beliefs they still believe them to this day. These lies are still taught to anyone who will listen. Recognizing the lies is the beginning to freedom.

Such a good post, Shary. Thank you. All of it so very, tragically true.

People who were not raised in the fundamentalist Christian world that we grew up in may think you must be exaggerating. But it is truly the way we were controlled and manipulated. Through fear. It is so very, very wrong.

Just read the GRACE report on BJU to find another culture of control and manipulation.

In ntm---I think spiritual abuse was the norm, not, as we thought, just happening to a few.