MK forum

If I could go back where would I be?
Would I be living life nice and free?
Would I be married with kids of my own?
Would I function all on my own?
Would I have friends that lasted from the past?
Would I know my grandparents laughs?
Would I remember my prom and what would have I been?
Would I have played sports for sports not just to push a Jesus plan?
Would I have gotten my license and my first car?
Would have I had a job and learned it all?

These are things that keep me awake and part of why I’m on here now.

Divorced over pain and hatred inside. No idea how to show emotion. No idea what love really is. Afraid to have kids for fear I would screw them up just like me.
The pills always ease the mind, but when you come down where do you hide? You fake a smile and try to stand tall but always so fucking hollow on the inside.
You have turned to god to many times to count and he is never there to help you up. Its all your fault, you have bitter thoughts, you can’t forgive so you must rot.
They told me I would be nothing and so it is.
I sit and shake and cry in the corner, the dreams are real every night. I can’t go places without watching my back. I plan my escape out the back. I live in fear of everything. It’s the sweats at night the cold chills, the waking up in fear, seeing things that are not there, punching holes in bedroom walls, thinking it was them coming for you. Still in my dreams I dream of them. I dream of my father yelling in disappointment at me and of my mothers shame. Why can't you just do us proud and suck on down on ntm stock. Swallow like a good boy and take it in. this is the life god wants you in.

Yes, your voice is important, MKR.

Thank you for your courage and honesty.

This is a tough read.
It's why most of us are here.
Because we suffered
Or because we care about those who suffered
Or both.
We're here even tho we might have lost hope at one time
And we know that without hope
It is very difficult to live.
Can we help others find hope again?
Maybe
If we listen
If we care
If we do whatever is practical
For those within our physical reach.
And we cry
Too.

Yes, the life of a missionary is really quite abnormal, isn't it. I see that more and more clearly, the longer I am away from it. And for someone like me who spent about 50 years being either a missionary's kid or a missionary herself, it takes some time to get my perspective changed .... but it is definitely happening.

If I could go back ... I wouldn't.

Last night I went and had a meal with one of my fellow firefighters, his wife and some friends. He is a quiet, kind guy who has helped me to get through my training. We had homemade pizza, made in his homemade pizza oven, from ingredients grown in his garden (including the flour). During the conversation he mentioned he'd been in hospital and when I inquired why, he told me he'd donated a kidney to his brother.

And it got me thinking. Truly living isn't about sending lists of your wants to other people (exception being Santa, that's o.k. in my book ) and expecting them to be provided by divine intervention. And being blessed isn't about receiving the things on a list.

Being blessed is knowing that when I go out on the firetruck that the guy who is watching my back and making sure I am safe, is a truly genuine friend who cares enough about others to be one kidney short.

It's not Sunday anywhere, but here is a hearty Amen to that! Best sermon I've heard in a while!!