MK forum

As there are only 2 icons per post.....

one for you Gene ........

and one for Paul

accepted.

Protestant Minister "Viable Choice" for Sainthood

Just waiting for him to die

(Vatican City) The Holy See announced the canonization of two former Popes, Pope John XXIII and Pope John Paul II, last Sunday - in the first dual canonization ceremony in the history of the Roman Catholic Church. To date, the rush to canonization has been restricted to former popes; so far, no former MKs are in the running.

In another unprecedented move, Monsignor Paul Flaming revealed that an ordained Protestant Minister from the Church of NTM was on the fast track for Sainthood. "Reverend Scott Ross, Esq., is a viable choice," Monsignor Flaming gushed. "He has worked miracles while he is alive. Our own legal team has been – how shall I say this? – adequate. I guess. But Reverend Ross? "Stellar" doesn't even come close. His Holiness is in awe and actually wanted to canonize him right along with Pope John XXIII and Pope John Paul II. On advice of the College of Cardinals, however, he is waiting for him to die first. I think retired Pope Benedict XVI might even be praying for his death. I know many others are."

Asked to elaborate on the idea of canonizing a Protestant, Monsignor Flaming warmed to the subject. "Although we have our differences with Protestants in general, we really have a great deal in common with the Church of NTM. Canonizing a saint from their ranks would be a real step forward in ecumenical relationships.

"To begin with, Reverend Ross already thinks of himself as a saint. How cool is that? Moreover, NTM is a church in the very same sense that we are – not a biblical sense, whatever else it may be.

"And, like us, NTM has a male-only ruling class isolated from real life, who pick their own leaders from their own ranks. A College of Cardinals by any other name is still an Executive Board.

"NTM has church members scattered all over the world, just like we do, but none of their members has any say in how things are run or who runs them. Same with us. It's uncanny.

"We've had some embarrassing scandals in our organization, as has NTM, although I have to admit that we could learn a few things from them in how to keep greedy little hands out of our deep pockets. Whatever else our differences, we agree that financial considerations trump everything else. Everything. Money unites us in one big, happy family. The love of money, I mean. And the fear of losing it.

"From time to time His Holiness issues Papal Bulls. This is always done in consultation with experts in canon law, to prevent any damage to the Holy See. Well, there is even more bull coming out of Sanford than the Vatican. And guess who Sanford's chief consultant is? If you answered Reverend Scott Ross, give yourself an indulgence.

"Finally, the Pope is known as the Pontifex Maximus of our organization, while Reverend Ross is renowned as the Gluteus Maximus of his."

Elsewhere in religious news, former MK Larry Brown, CEO of the Church of NTM, is rumored to be set to ink a commercial deal with the Vatican, whereby Rome would sell NTM gear featuring Reverend Ross and Sanford would sell its own members down the creek.

Witch of Endor Channels Former NTM Chairman

Doing it just like I would, says feisty apparition

SNS (Sanford, FL) Sources close to former MK and current NTM USA CEO Larry Brown report that NTM house counsel Scott Ross has held consultations with former NTM, Inc. Chairman Ken Johnston regarding how best to proceed in dealing with former MKs who are "making demands" of current leadership.

Johnston was evidently made available though the good offices of local fortune teller, hair stylist and pawn broker Madame Via, who held a séance to call up the famed Witch of Endor, who in turn got in touch with the former chairman.

Somewhat out of sorts at being disturbed, Johnston appeared with his rear end well covered and offering high praise for former MK Larry Brown. Displaying the feisty Irish temperament for which he was well known among admirers while still alive, the former chairman reportedly said, "The fellows in Sanford are doing things the way I would do them if I was alive. There is no reason to give in to demands from former MKs, not when most of them turned out so wonderful. It's too bad, but there have always been rebellious brats out there. It's all but impossible to beat it out of them, no matter how hard you try."

Ross reportedly asked about the high value that NTM USA now places on MKs, provoking a spirited response. "We have always placed a high value on our MKs," said Johnston. "Why else would we have built and staffed all those wonderful MK schools for them? If anyone thinks we didn't care about MKs in those days, they need to remember that we told parents that our boarding schools were the best place for them to put their kids! Would we have done that if we didn't value MKs? We did our best to help parents see that if they really valued their kids, they would see what a hindrance to God's work in God's way those little rug rats were and put them in the boarding schools. Is that so hard to figure out? Get a clue!"

Johnston's feathers were well and truly ruffled as he spoke about GRACE and their investigations into the Fanda School in Senegal. "Investigation?" he said, sending sparks flying in Madame Via's tiny room. "Are you kidding me? Why, there was nothing in that fool report we hadn't known for a long time. OK, so a few perverts got into our schools and on our fields. We knew this and we acted responsibly. We weeded them out as replacements became available, but we didn't want to harm the work of preaching the Gospel or destroy godly men's reputations. We have different values than the world."

Responding to polite observations that many changes have been instituted in NTM over the last few decades, Johnston smiled. "Yes, you can sure say that," he said. "We got rid of demerits in our Bible Schools, eliminated required sports in our Boot Camps and then got rid of Boot Camp altogether. We changed the membership on the Executive Committee so often and so fast that we didn't even have time to inform the Great State of Florida of who all was even on it. Finally, we changed the whole thing to an Executive Board with all new members, except for former MK Paul Wyma. We changed our name from New Tribes Mission to NTM and then back to New Tribes Mission and no one even noticed. We call it, 'Change you can believe in.'

"The core values of NTM have not changed since I was at the helm," Johnston averred. "They still know how to concentrate on the things that really matter. They continue to trust the Lord for all the needed talent within NTM's own ranks, from cooks and gardeners to lawyers, linguists and pilots. And, they've managed to keep women out of leadership, too. This has been no easy trick."

Taking his leave of Ross and Madame Via, Johnston had one final request: "If you have to call me up again, please bring along a glass of water next time."

Sleepless Nights on the Rise in Seminole County

Study links insomnia outbreak to Sanford church

SNS (Sanford, FL) A sudden spike in donut sales between 10:00 PM and 5:00 AM was the first signal to distraught health officials here in Sanford that more people were staying up late than ever before.

"We were able to trace sales through credit card payments and dirty cash," said a special investigator hired by the Seminole County Commisioners. "Every lead took us straight to the NTM Church on First Street. They're really burning the midnight oil there."

Macon Hare, House Sleep Coordinator for the reclusive church, professed surprise. "My folks never lost any sleep over anything," he told reporters, who were kept outside, "and neither have I. I can't think of a single reason to lose a minute's sleep. Maybe something has fallen through the cracks; it's happened before," he said, as sounds of the walls crumbling behind him captured more attention than his words.

The special investigator, who has not been named, thinks there may be a link to social media. "People seemed to sleep better when they didn't know so much, weren't so well connected to what's going on around them," he theorized. "Sites such as the Fanda Eagles' blog and forum may well have contributed to the present distress."

Macon Hare was dismissive of that theory. "Listen," he said, "We've made many changes over the years; if we weren't worried about anything before, why would we start now? We certainly aren't going to lose sleep over some bitter former MKs!"

If church members are not sleeping at night, at least some of them have been found asleep on the job, notably Brian "Cookies" Shortmeier and Brian "How-did-you-get-my-phone-number" Coombs, whose snores may have been the cause of the falling walls. Reporters who tried to contact the Executive Board of the church were told that they are all "out to lunch."

Elsewhere in the news, investigators in Australia say that many unreported incidents of shoplifting at Crossview Cookies have come to light. "We always thought there was less of this down here than in the rest of the world," said lead investigator Paul Flaming. "Guess we were wrong. Again."

North Korea Institutes Sweeping Changes

Hires independent panel to assist

SNS (Washington, D.C.) The State Department announced today that there has been a major breakthrough in relations with North Korea, the insular, renegade country ruled by a weird-o dynasty of dangerous megalomaniacs.

"North Korea is especially dangerous because they are convinced of their own superiority," said State Department Adjunct Senior Spokesman Paul Flaming. "It's as if absolutely anything they say is infallible, a clear mandate of heaven. This has prevented them from taking advice from outsiders. They have oppressed their own people, hidden their crimes against humanity and flaunted the rule of law. You'd think they lived on a different planet than the rest of us."

Changes in the reclusive Hermit Kingdom began small, in 1997, when the Ruling Party executed a number of former generals and increased the meager rations of the populace to just under starvation levels. Several members of the Ruling Party subsequently retired, replaced by fresh faces from the National Academy of Social Justice and Mind Control.

"Years of isolation from civilization have had deleterious effects on decision making," said Flaming. "The North Korean government clearly needs some help. For instance, an influential party member was recently caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Before his trial, the government hired Partners in Isolation (Pii) to investigate. A report was presented to the court by Pii, and then a group assembled to process the report. The entire panel was in agreement with the recommended actions to be taken. However, just to make sure, the government and Pii sent this to an independent specialist for additional guidance. At the conclusion, all parties consulted still unanimously agreed upon the outcome. The party member was forced to retire.

"Unfortunately," he continued, "even with all these safeguards in place, a later review by the Politburo determined that retirement was not the proper punishment after all. While a screw up like that would be fatal to the credibility of any government in the rest of the world, it is actually seen as a step forward in Pyongyang. Incredible, but true, and we all welcome these changes."

Further illustrating the sweeping changes coming over the country, North Korea on Sunday issued a rare confirmation of a "serious collapse" of an apartment building in Pyongyang that officials in Seoul believe may have killed hundreds of people. It is expected that those responsible will be forced to retire, subject to review by an independent panel.

Breaking News!!

Another website has vanished without a trace…

SNS reporters have been alerted to the sudden disappearance from cyberspace of the website for Professional Investigators International, the independent investigators tasked with determining the truth of allegations that an influential member of a reputable Christian organization had his hand in the cookie jar.

As recently as Sunday, interested parties could access http://www.teampii.com and discover that Robert A. "Bob" Davis, principal investigator, "is a retired 35-year veteran of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and currently a Master Instructor and consultant with an international security firm. Bob’s accomplishments include many investigative and analytical certifications that are utilized in leading and providing ongoing professional development for the Pii team of investigators."

Moreover, it was possible to find out that Rhonda Kitchen, a member of the Pii team, is a graduate of California Baptist University in Riverside, California, and serves as an adjunct instructor of Fort Sherman Academy, an international crisis management training academy in Pinehust, Idaho, the same institution where Scott Ross is Scott is an adjunct senior trainer.

As more details become available, updates will be posted. Adjunct reporters are cordially invited to file reports of their own on this thread. Except Bob Davis; he can start his own thread.

Good news from Pii

We're making a demand

The following post from Pii's Facebook page was discovered by a diligent adjunct reporter for SNS:

"In late May we will announce a new initiative, goal and really a demand! We will create an opportunity for organizations and concerned people everywhere to make children safer and PREVENT the terrible storm of abuse. Stay tuned."

Readers are encouraged to "like" Team Pii's Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/teampii

Brian Williams Appointed Obama White House Spokesperson

Outed as actual author of "terrible deeds in the name of Christ" quip

SNS (Washington, D.C.) Brian Williams, former anchor for NBC Nightly News and unsung hero of the war in Iraq, has officially been appointed as the spokesperson for the Obama White House. Sources close to the President deny that his appointment was due to his ability to "misremember" facts with a straight face. "If that were the standard, we'd have hired someone from NTM," our source commented.

Meanwhile, Mr. Williams was fingered as the actual author of Mr. Obama's controversial remark about the "terrible deeds" that have been done "in the name of Christ." Widely ridiculed in fundamentalist circles for reaching back to medieval times to find a parallel to workplace violence, Mr. Obama is reportedly fuming, making the appointment of Mr. Williams even more mysterious.

Rumors are rife here in the nation's capitol, with some wags defending the President's wise use of hoary examples of misdirected Christian zeal. "He could have used NTM as a more recent example," said Rad Sass, full time capitol wag. "But, that would have been more likely to anger influential members of the retirement community in Central Florida."

Repeated calls to NTM USA headquarters in Sanford for a statement were unanswered as this story goes to press.

Elsewhere in the news, NTM continues to raise funds to defend themselves against frivolous lawsuits by disgruntled former MKs. Asked why he called them "former" MKs, a lawyer claiming to represent NTM said, "If they were still MKs, they wouldn't be disgruntled."