MK forum

The first time I tried to kill myself, I was eight years old. My parents are both NTM MKs and were then serving as missionaries with NTM in Asia. They each had their own issues to deal with from childhood physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual abuse so they never saw what was happening to me. I don't think they even realized that most of the time, it was them who were the abusers. Ironic how the stories they tell me about what they suffered as children are mirrored in their own treatment of me. They said the same things, treated me the same way, and touched me in similar, horrible ways. So by eight years old I was ready to die.

I never slept at night. I would lay awake for hours trying to block out the angry words that were swarming in my mind. I would cover my ears, rock back and forth, scream silently, scratch myself, anything to try and distract from the inner pain and the yelling voices. One night I crept out of bed into the kitchen. I opened the cutlery drawer and took out a long serrated knife. I found the soft spot in my abdomen just below my breastbone and pressed the knife in. Slowly, steadily. But I couldn't go through with it. In my childhood brain the overwhelming thought that stayed my hand was fear of getting in trouble for the mess I'd make if I were to get blood on the floor. I just couldn't bear the thought of more shouting, more anger, more pain from my parents. Some days I wish I'd done it. In fact I tried other times throughout my teenage years. But most days I am just thankful.

That night has become my anchor point in life. When nothing else makes sense and the whole world is closing in around me, I can always go back to that moment at eight years old and I know. I know that I am loved. That I am seen. That I am known completely. That I am pitied and cherished. I know that justice will come. I know that God is. He met me there that night. He held me as I wept on the kitchen floor. He carried me back to my bed. He watched over me as I slept.

Sometimes in my life I have questioned. I say to myself, "If He was there to comfort me, where was He while people were hurting me? Why didn't He step in and fight for me?" The questions overwhelm. I become bitter, angry, violent, self-destructive. Maybe He doesn't care. Maybe this is just some sick game. Maybe...a million thoughts. But then, when the silence comes again, I know. I know Him and inexplicably that is enough to overcome the questions. The pain is still there, but I can weep with Him and it is a healing time. He understands how I am hurting even more than I do. Hell, He went through the same pain! He was abused and hurt by those closest to him too. He could have stopped his own abusers, but he didn't. And He didn't stop mine. I don't understand. I can't explain. But I know Him. And that is enough.

This is so powerful, Freedom, thank you for joining us. It also puts a scare into me. My husband and I were both MKs and went through a lot. I often wonder of the damage we did to our own kids because of being Mks and being in NTM. It scares me as different comments are made by my daughters. Keep strong,,,we are seeking help, healing and justice. Thanks for your openess.

I am so sad to hear your story.
But, I see myself in your story, and in your parents' story.
In a previous abusive relationship I found myself 'disciplining' my children as I had been.
Luckily for me, I saw it. And I changed my behaviour. I saw that I was making my childhood torture into my children's.
I am grateful that God opened my eyes and that I saw what I was doing... I have worked hard to get myself sorted out - I am not there yet. I still have issues. But, I do think twice before I make my children suffer as I did.

I am glad that you could see God there that day, that you found His comfort. I wish more of us could say that, and know it was for real.
/KL

Whew! That took a lot of work to post. I've been trying to work up the nerve to say something on here for about a year I think. Thanks to those who have read and replied. It is good to write things down...it forces me to face them in my own mind instead of continuing to deny.

As teenage fledglings it comes time for us to eventually leave the family nest and wing off into our lives.
Some of us just fall out of the nest and after a few attempts figure out what the feathered arm things are on each side and fly off. Some of us outstay our welcome and get pushed out (or the family furlough ends and one gets left to fend for oneself). And some of us shoot out of the nest as fast and as soon as we can, wondering what on earth that was all about.

Many of us get to return to the nest for special occassions, it isn't our home anymore, but the parent birds are generally pleased to see us (and even more pleased to see us go, if we stay longer than three days ). We even get to drop off our own chicks, just to remind the grandparents what parenthood was like.

Then there are the nests where it all went wrong, where it was a relief to fly away, where the mistakes of past generations are repeated. And the two of the greatest things we can do if this is our situation, is to make sure we don't repeat the mistakes of past generations and to set an example of how to overcome such adversity.

Fly free (or walk free if you happen to be the flightless feathered variety ). The past is the past, the nest may not be a welcome memory, but the future is for each of us to set our own flight path.

Freedom, I am glad it helped you to write down what you experienced.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been.
I know the feeling of hearing parents fighting, even tho it was MANY years ago for me.
I thought I should be able to "fix" it even tho I was only in jr high.
And it scared me too.
I think because they were supposed to be my security.
Before I told the part of our story with NTM that I could tell, I sat at the keyboard
For I don't know how long---maybe it was several days
Before I could do it.
You are in good company.
We welcome you!

Thank you Freedom for your story. I know it is not easy to tell. I thank God for the comfort He gave you and I hope you still find that comfort. In my worst nights I use to imagine myself sitting on Jesus lap, secure, safe, and go to sleep in His arms. I still do when I am really in a panic time. Those are often the nights I get the best rest. Freedom your courage to tell your story will encourage others.

Yes it is scary how we often followed the child rearing patterns we learned as children. Going to boarding school makes the house parents much more prominent in what we learned. My parents told us we were the most important thing in their lives, yes they held many of those wrong missionary ideas but we never questioned we were valued. But we were with them so little so our parenting training most often came from dorm parents who abused. Those patterns were very wrong and not always easy to unlearn. In talking to my kids I have been relieved to hear they do not feel they were abused though they do acknowledge some of the mistakes we made. If only we could have had our grand kids first then our kids we would have done a better job

Welcome Freedom,
Not the kind of club I dreamed of ever joining but the friends here are some of the BEST! Keep posting......we don't judge, shame or even ignore anyone's pains and hurts. I have found that this site has become instrumental as part of my journey to healing!

I know your pain and I know your dark.
Being here means you are ready. Ready to move towards a light of healing for you. All my life I kept trying to heal for other's. My parents. Countless boyfriends or fiances. My husband, his Mother, Employers, Friends, My parents, and even the therapists that were getting frustrated with me. This year I found out I am becoming a grandmother. This year I finally got fed up with the cutting, the suicide wishes or wishes God would just take me in my sleep....even becoming angry with him for not answering that prayer. How silly but how desperately sad. It was then that I realized my darkness and sadness were no longer safe inside my heart, they were now my AURA. I would lose my kids if I continued to let my aura as that scared, traumatized, angry, confused and soul flooded with tears take over. My girls know me as their hero, strong and full of life. I couldn't let the legacy of misery and mental issues continue and to my grandchild.

I also knew that my clock was ticking with my boyfriend....Eight years with me and the last three have caused him his own health issues with stress and an ache for me and an anger building because he can't fix it or make it stop for me. He came into my life as a hero and the neighbor who brought my "mojo" back by allowing me to laugh again and be me for me without worrying about what Suburbia thought of me. He brought me to life by taking me place that my inner child could come back out. He is tired now...tired of me not seeing the person he sees I am and can be.

You can find my postings here in multiple topics and you will see I am raw, lengthy in my writings and not afraid to say it like it is in my family!!

Welcome and we are here for you~

Heather

Do you ever feel alone? Like you're different in a way no one else can understand? I do. I have very few friends. I can't bear the thought of putting on the facade of "I've got it all together" but I can't bear the thought of letting anyone know the real me either. So I end up alone.

I don't trust anyone enough to let them in. I'm afraid they won't want me, or that they'll want me for all the wrong reasons in all the wrong ways.

I feel so guilty. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me? I am filthy, disgusting...I HATE me!

...but He loves me.

I think what makes His comfort so effective is that He doesn't disagree with me. I couldn't bear it if He told me not to believe those things or that they're not true. People have told me my whole life that I am wrong, that it didn't happen, that it wasn't so bad, that I am making things up. But He believes me. I AM guilty. I AM filthy, disgusting. I AM broken. He doesn't tell me not to believe those things, instead He tells me He can change them. He tells me He'll take me anyway! He meets me where I am at, in my brokenness, my filth, my hate and He chooses to be near me. That is the kind of love I want!

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

I don't understand.