MK forum

Mars I hope it`s not too late to thank you for being a part of our healing journey. Praying that God will give you mercy, grace, peace and courage as you continue on this journey.

Hey everyone. Wow, I can't come to this thread without being amazed AGAIN at how real you all are and how supportive despite my absence. Thank you.

I'm doing a bit better. Honestly didn't think I was gonna make it there for a while. Interestingly enough, it is a chapter on shame and contempt from Dan Allender's book "The Wounded Heart" that has had a big impact in my life recently. While I understand and agree with how Raz and rroym have described shame, I also agree with the definition in this book. Allender says there IS a God centered shame. It is the shame that forced Adam and Eve to clothe themselves in the garden. He does not describe it as "healthy" and "unhealthy" shame, but rather as Legitimate and Illegitimate shame. Legitimate shame is felt when God exposes a sin in our life. It shines light on an aspect of our depravity due to the fall, a part of our humanity brought on by sin, not designed in us by God. The focus of legitimate shame is the sin, not the person. It is the result of being looked at with God's all-knowing eyes and FEELING that nakedness that Adam and Eve felt. The important aspect of this shame is that it NEVER leads to self-contempt. Illegitimate shame, on the other hand, is felt when an aspect of our dignity is exposed as less than perfect. For example, God put in us the desire for relationship with others, but because we are human and live in a fallen world, relationship is also the place where we are often hurt the worse. When this happens, shame would have us believe that it is our desire for relationship that makes us stupid, foolish, evil or whatever else we call ourselves. We end up hating our desire, and because our desire is a God created part of our being that we cannot fully extinguish, we hate ourselves. Illegitimate shame leads us to feel like we ARE bad (like rroym was saying) because it exposes a sin-affected aspect of our God-given uniqueness, something we should not be ashamed of, rather than a choice of sin. Allender says shame should be felt when we put others down or willfully neglect our God-given duty as Christians--NOT when we walk out of the restroom with toilet paper trailing from our foot or can't seem to win the love of our abusive absent father.

Anyway, that's my take on it. I know for me shame is just a part of who I am, I will be affected emotionally by the bad things in and around me. But this outlook has helped me differentiate between what feelings of shame I need to approach as being out of place and not true indicators of something being wrong in my life (or with me) and which feelings of shame I should acknowledge as an indication that I need to make an adjustment in my life.

God has really been breaking through some of my defenses lately. It's been absolutely miserable, but good for me and I am beginning to see a change. One of the biggest things is that I have always believed that God was not there during my abuse. I was told he couldn't be, literally, God could NOT be in the presence of Satan and so could not be where I was.... Bible said so. (So I was told) So it was easy to believe that God really had left me to fend for myself, that he despised me for the mark of evil that was imprinted on my soul because of what was done to me and what I did. I did not want to do anything that might get God's attention or make him look at me cuz I was terrified of his righteous wrath... something I KNOW I deserve. But during a rather intense session a couple weeks ago it was like God took me back to a few moments so many years ago when I thought I was alone and showed me what HE saw. I saw Him covering my eyes so I didn't see certain things. I saw him whispering in my ear and holding my heart so the sting of what was happening wasn't so intense. And I saw his angels standing over me, fiery swords drawn and eyes flashing with the most comforting rage I'd ever seen as they protected ME from spiritual attacks. The men hurt my body. But they NEVER reached my soul. ...And I am now balling just seeing those images again. Haha. I mean, this has been so big for me that I haven't been able to just let go and accept it yet. I have to nibble on it little bitty bits at a time cuz it feels so overwhelming.

Well I guess that's my update for now. Thank you all for keeping up with this thread. You all are absolutely amazing and I SO appreciate you.

Really encouraged by your progress Broken Angel. Healing is often scary and very difficult. So glad that God is giving you peace and courage to continue to heal.

Broken Angel, I pray that God will continue to bless and heal you and give you mercy, grace and peace as He continues to heal your broken wings.

Fredonia - I was barely three years old, so should have no recollection. However, I do have recollection - not only of what happened, but of the name of the current NTM representative who took me into the hallway, pulled down my pants and underwear, broke a ping pong paddle on my bare ass, and then kept going with his hand. I probably deserved it...for climbing upon the table in the "toddlers" room and jumping off.

So far, I have not decided whether to continue giving this individual a personal "statute of limitations" pass on this. I would like the input of others.

Oh, what a terrible memory. Appalling. And you still remember it in detail.
Monstrous child abuse sanctioned in the Body of Christ.
This is abhorrent.

Makes my blood boil and I am sick that any three year old child should have to go through that.

When I was 16 years old at school, I got into trouble. I don't even remember what I had done, however, the discussion was whether I should be spanked. I was appalled. My father had stopped spanking me at 12 and used other forms of discipline. When the principal came to me to tell me I would be spanked, I told him that no man at school was going to touch me. If I warranted a spanking, he could go and get my father. I don't know what made me have the presence of mind to say this, but I felt so strongly. The principal looked panicked and decided on a different form of discipline. I lucked out that time.

Unfortunately, my sister, who was much younger, did not fair so well. Then my poor brothers... One of them was actually targeted as being the embodiment of Dobson's Strong-Willed Child! (I hate that book!) I believe he was abused during nursery and toddlers while my parents were in bootcamp. I know he was in boarding school.