MK forum

You'll get told off for going .

O.k. I get it, the Intrepid Reporter is working undercover and you can't say anything, right? No problems, my lips are sealed.
But I still think he's got together with that Bemused (who also seems to have disappeared) and they are having a male bonding session, while planning their next undercover move

Never underestimate the ingenuity of those two.
When they resurface, IT WILL BE GOOD!

Breaking News!!

Lene Gong Rescued; NTM Given "Full Credit"

(Sanford, FL) Our intrepid reporter, lost for weeks in the wilderness of Australia where he was presumed held captive by Crossview snakes, was actually recovering from threatening emails sent by disgruntled Assistant Coaches, demanding that they never again be parodied in the same spoof articles as NTM, PII, TRGI, FSA or CYA leadership. Thus robbed of one of his most productive foils, our reporter was actually in writer's block meltdown.

"I thought I'd never make it back, but leave it to Planet NTM to break their silence just as I was considering retirement," said Gong. "Or, maybe resignation. Hopefully not dismissal, LOL. In any case, I could never have made it without NTM. They get all the credit as far as I'm concerned. I like humor as much as the next guy but, even if I gave full time to it, I could never dream up the stuff they seem to crank out with ease. What is their secret?"

Showing a new found enthusiasm for spoof articles, Gong was, at the same time, cautious. "NTM, by which I mean Brian Shortmeier, had wisely chosen to go silent for an extended period of time, two weeks to be exact. Then, when they, by which I mean he, finally broke his silence, they (he) came out with some more absolute howlers. I can put the Assistant Football Coaches AND the cookies away now! However, as ridiculous and hilarious as their (his) latest gaffes are, they are going to be a little hard to weave into a news report that I won't be ashamed to publish. After all, it is a pretty delicate topic."

Gong further elaborated on his dilemma: "We've got all the makings of a funny report. We've got references to the twentieth century, as if it were a hundred years ago, instead of fifteen. Shoot, we can now bring in the fact that last millennium most psychological and law enforcement professionals believed that child abuse was not a common occurrence. We could never have done that without the cooperation and stupidity of Mr. Shortmeier. And, of course, we'll want to point out that, regardless of what most psychological and law enforcement professionals believed, all the top leadership in NTM knew good and well that there was a whole boat load of child abuse - physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual - just in NTM alone! Yet, they were able to hide it from most psychological and law enforcement professionals. I mean, just because on one else knew, per impossible, doesn't mean that NTM didn't know! They kept records of it!"

Pressed as to why this presented a difficulty in composing spoof articles, Gong rolled his eyes. "Listen, I'm going to have to write something about child abuse that highlights NTM's disingenuous, unimaginative and ludicrous position. While NTM ladles out these howlers like it was the government, you have to make sure that NTM is the butt of the jokes, not abused children. After all, I may be a ควาย, but even ควาย have higher standards than NTM!"

Word on the street is that cookies may be brought out of early retirement. Or, in a pinch, shoplifters. Stay tuned.

FBI Reports "Upsurge" in Historical Shoplifting

Just coming to light this century

(Washington, D.C.) The FBI Assistant Football Coach and CYA Director for the Bureau's Department of Statistics reported today that there has been an unprecedented upsurge in reported shopliftings. A special team has been assigned to investigate.

Scott Ross, CYA house counsel, met with reporters during a short circuit court recess, where he is representing Crossview Cookies' interests in a civil suit. "We here at the bureau didn't even know there was such a thing as shoplifting until early in this century," he claimed, crossing his fingers behind his back. "As it works out, we've discovered that there was a whole lot of shoplifting going on last century, most of which is just now coming to light. We're very encouraged to state that there is no shoplifting being reported this century, except for a couple of isolated incidents. So, the good news is that although we didn't even know about it last century, when there was a lot of it, now that we are aware of it, it has all but ceased."

"Sure wish we could do that with lies," he added, chuckling before catching himself and reverting to his serious mode.

The CYA Office classifies every instance of shoplifting that occurred ten years or more ago as "historical." Skeptics have pointed out that, by keeping every instance of shoplifting under wraps for ten years, the bureau could easily distort the true rate of this crime. "We aren't that kind of people," Brian Coombs remarked, in a rare public statement.

Former shop owners were less than enthusiastic in their response. "Our shops were practically emptied, and no one knew about it?" protested one former owner. "What happened to all those shoplifters? Did they retire? Get raptured?"

Paul Flaming, spokesperson for the CYA office, admitted that there had been tension and confusion among some. "That would be for several reasons, none of which is really the Bureau's fault," he patiently explained. "It's a lot of work running an organization like ours, and we often have people retire, die or go to jail. We are working on the problem full time and expect it to get taken care of soon. Just as soon as Gary Earl leaves PNG."

Elsewhere, Brian Shortmeier has resigned from NTM and accepted a position as adjunct writer for Comedy Central.

Disclaimer: Any similarities to actual news stories are purely coincidental. Anyone finding parallels to real personages in this report are cautioned to see a psychiatrist of their choice as soon as possible. It is impossible that any rational human being could have made the ludicrous statements we have put in their mouths. - Editor

Dead Cats Found Hanging in Trees in NYC 'Burb

Hasn't happened since last millennium

(New York City, NY) As many as 25 dead cats have been found inside neatly-tied plastic bags hanging from tree limbs in a New York City suburb. Sanitation workers were appalled at the sight of the dead felines, but failed to report the matter to authorities and proceeded to destroy all evidence of the heinous crime.

Word of the grisly find made its way to City Hall, where officials initially denied any knowledge of what they termed "former cats." Faced by members of the ASPCA with eye witnesses, however, they soon did an about face and devoted all their energies to making excuses.

Paul Syson, newly employed in the municipal CYA office, met reporters outside the bounds of propriety, and quickly moved to capture the low ground. "I get the distinct impression from some recent comments that if I, as a city employee, do not rant about these dead cats, I am incompetent. Or, perhaps, not incompetent, but certainly stigmatized for not being vocal on this issue. It just so happens that I am a premillennialarianist, not a stigmatist."

Continuing in the same spirit, he said, "I'd like to offer the possibility that just because I haven't said anything of a public nature doesn't mean I'm unaware. Or that I'm apathetic. Or that I'm not involved. Or that I'm fearful, or in denial, or ignorant, or… I don't know what else. Stigmatized, I guess. Next to demands from former cookies, stigmatization is the last thing we'll stand for here at the Hell. I mean, 'hall.'"

As reporters reeled in disbelief, Mr. Syson fired off a parting salvo: "For those of you who are Cat-lovers, I presume that you DO rant because you believe that is what is best. I'd like to suggest the possibility that not everyone wants to take the same actions in a given scenario."

Two weeks later, under severe pressure from citizens' groups, City Hall hired an independent investigation firm to further muddy the waters. Paul Flaming, a PR rep from Woodworth, Wisconsin, spoke on behalf of the city, most of whose members had wisely chosen to lose their voices for now. "To begin with, we need to understand that cat killing was not well understood last millennium," he said. "That was a thousand years ago, you know. Many people in those days didn't even believe it happened. And, of course, plastic bags hadn't even been invented yet. All this, coupled with the personnel changes inherent in city administration due to retirement, jail sentences and new assignments, resulted in a little tension and confusion among some. We are happy to report that we have everything under control and are revising our city policies to prevent this sort of thing ever happening again. It only got to this point due to some former employees not doing their job well. We are doing OUR jobs well, and would like to remind you that most cats are not roaming wild anymore anyway."

Putting all doubts about their sincerity to rest, Brian Shortmeier reminded citizens of the Big Apple that "what we have learned helps us to improve our system and strive to keep our policies in alignment." Cats and kittens will undoubtedly sleep better knowing this.

Stigmatization Epidemic Strikes Sanford

Worst outbreak since last century

(Sanford, FL) Medical authorities were called to the former Sanford Naval Academy on First Street here in Sanford today to investigate a sudden outbreak of Stigmatization.

Stigmatization is a viral disease, believed to be caused by opportunistic microorganisms that gain entry when susceptible people climb up on their high horses or look down their noses. Or, both. Patients are often unaware, apathetic, uninvolved, and fearful. In extreme cases, they lapse into denial, or ignorance. Diagnosis is confirmed by distinct impressions left on thin skin.

"Carriers of the disease have usually been touched by leadership abuse, and don't recognize the symptoms," Dr. Paul Flaming, noted epidemiologist based in Woodworth, Wisconsin, explained. "There hasn't been an outbreak on this scale since last century, back when many medical professionals didn't even recognize its existence," he continued.

Dr. Flaming elaborated in an extensive and rambling interview: "It was eventually discovered that significant Stigmatization of various types existed all over. As media attention has demonstrated, no area is exempt, including Florida.

"Medical authorities started to realize in the 1990s that the plague of Stigmatization needed to be better understood and more completely addressed. Like other professional organizations, we were on a learning curve. As our awareness increased, we developed extensive guidelines and policies. The early efforts were stepping-stones to the development of our policies today.

"By 2003, we had developed a comprehensive training program for medical personnel, associates, teachers, and even school children. In the intervening ten years, we have continued to develop and improve our Stigmatization abatement program.

"The combination of training and a general heightened awareness has significantly reduced the opportunity for Stigmatization to occur, which should result in fewer incidents. Our goal is to prevent it from ever happening here in the USA; we don't really care where else it happens. After all, statistics tell us it is not possible to prevent Stigmatization entirely, not while we've got people climbing up on high horses and looking down their noses."

Elsewhere in Sanford, Brian Coombs joined the Executive Board of NTM as adjunct whipping boy. His appointment is temporary, until such time as the Stigmatization Epidemic blows over. No time soon, to be sure.

Huge Gas Bag Deflates, Crashes

All passengers survive; pilot suffers bruised ego

(Woodworth, WI) A huge gas bag unexpectedly and suddenly deflated, crashing on a low road near Woodworth yesterday. First responders reported that it was the Spoof News Service (SNS) blimp, piloted by Gene Long.

National Gas Bag Transportation Agency investigators say that the gas bag was evidently deflated mid-flight by a fusillade of kindness, understanding, grace and benefits of the doubt.

"Unleashing dangerous items like that without warning can cause unpredictable repercussions," said adjunct senior investigator Paul Flaming. "Just look at the rip that those benefits of the doubt caused right there in the heart of the gas bag. Just devastating!" he said.

On board were many members of the cast of SNS reports, including Scott Ross, house counsel for NTM, Scott Ross, adjunct senior trainer for FSA, Scott Ross, lead investigator for TRGI, former MK Larry Brown, Brian Coombs, Brian Shortmeier, Paul Flaming and occasional guest star Satan. None were injured in the sudden fall.

Passenger Paul Syson, a relative new comer to the cast and believed to be the culprit allegedly responsible for the crash, was seen taking a high road to greener pastures. Word on the street says that he has been retired from the usual SNS line up. "If he wants to get in any more spoof news reports," said Paul Flaming, spokesperson for SNS, "he's going to have to write them himself."

Pilot Gene Long suffered a bruised ego. Gawkers at the scene recorded video images of Mr. Long dusting off a postage stamp-sized item, believed to be the remnants of his ego. "It might be small," said Ego-ologist Paul Flaming, "but it's robust and sure to grow back."

Reactions to the sudden deflation and crash of the gas bag ran from joy to euphoria, with many wags predicting an end to SNS reports. "Don't be too sure," said Mr. Flaming. "There might be a lull, but Brian Coombs and Brian Shortmeier are doing their best to fill the bag with gas. They've sure got the qualifications. And former MK Larry Brown is doing his part, too. He can blow more gas being quiet than the rest of the crowd can do on purpose."

Scott Ross, Scott Ross and Scott Ross, meanwhile, were seen showing Satan some new wireless mobile devices. "These are just what I've been looking for," said Satan. "I feel so foolish being ignorant of your devices."