MK forum

We interrupt our scheduled report from Australia to bring you this breaking story...

Satan Leaving Sanford Tribers

Work here done, says Assistant Coach

(Sanford, Florida) Assistant Football Coach for the Sanford Tribers and Prince of the Power of the Air for the rest of the planet, Satan made a rare public appearance at the Tribers' locker room today. Appearing as an angel of light, Satan said he would be moving out soon. "Just as soon as Gary Earl leaves PNG," he promised. "Honest," he added needlessly.

Claiming that he had been putting in more hours with the Tribers than team owner Larry Brown, Satan couldn't resist taking a bow. "I assigned some of my top unclean spirits to the easy stuff, like the Roman Catholics and the Boy Scouts. They've done me proud, but I knew I'd need to handle the Tribers personally," he bragged. "It's paid off handsomely."

"I've done about all I can here," said Satan. "I'm confident I'm leaving a team in place that can carry out deceitful, conniving, crafty, wily and underhanded schemes on their own. I haven't had such success since Original Chaos and I've never been so proud, if you can believe that!"

The Schemer-in-Chief was somewhat abashed when asked if Scott Ross' cover had been blown by reports of his having started his own team. "Well, it was unfortunate that that became public when it did," Satan admitted, "but the Devil is in the details, as we say. If you think you've got him on the run, think again. He's known as the Quarterback from Hell where I come from. And that's saying a lot."

Temporarily abandoning his role as Accuser of the Brethren, Satan offered high praise for the way the Tribers had fended off attempts by the Fanda Eagles to bring to light the evil deeds of his minions, some of which have remained hidden for decades. "Light? Are you kidding me?" Satan smirked. "It makes me tremble to read that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, but I set my seal to its truth. I never had much success with this outfit before they were getting investment income. Now that they have such deep pockets, things have really taken off. It's enough to make a believer out of me!"

Seeing reporters' pencils flying over their notebooks, he quickly added, "Just kidding about that believer stuff!"

When a representative for the Fanda Eagles entered the locker room, Satan called an abrupt halt to the press conference. Beating a hasty exit, he said, "OK, time to flee, Chumps!"

Paul Flaming, an assistant football coach and consultant on paranormal phenomena based in Woodworth, Wisconsin, expressed surprise at Satan's all but unprecedented forthright interview. "He normally prefers darkness to light, but maybe this is a PR stunt," Flaming surmised. "He really has outdone himself with the Tribers," he conceded.

"We've had a really good run here under Satan's leadership," the Tribers' spokesperson said. "We're going to miss him, but he has been phasing out for several years now, and no one even noticed. You have to admit that he has done a good job of working himself out of a job. We're not ignorant of his devices; in fact, we've mastered the lot of them."

Satan was last seen boarding a plane for Pinehurst, Idaho, where it is rumored he is looking for a job as an assistant football coach and certified investigator.

Ethics Inquiry at Crossview Cookies Shocks Fans

We're innocent, protests assistant football coach

(Rooty Hill, NSW) Crossview Cookies has been in the crosshairs of government investigators ever since they fielded their own football team last year. Recent efforts to uncover misdeeds at the confection-maker-turned-football-club have centered on the front office, where most jobs are concentrated in the hands of a few top executives.

"We question whether it is ethical for one man to be Assistant Football Coach, Chairman, Director and Bookkeeper all at the same time," said a source close to the investigation. "It seems like a situation ripe for conflict of interest."

"There is no conflict of interest here," was the angry reaction of the Assistant Football Coach, Chairman, Director and Bookkeeper, who was writing himself a check as reporters entered his office for an interview. "I've earned this bonus fair and square."

The Assistant Football Coach, Chairman, Director and Bookkeeper wasn't finished yet. "I'm not even the bookkeeper; that would be my wife. And I'm not an assistant football coach, either. At least not what Americans would call football. It's what they call soccer.

"We follow Best Business Practices here and I'm more than a little bemused that anyone would try to construe our actions as anything but pure. We don't exactly have deep pockets like those Yanks, and we've got to cut corners every chance we get."

Paul Flaming, an assistant football coach and professor of ethics at Boolibumpkoo University – Woodworth, NSW was supportive of Crossview Cookies. "Crossview has worked on the basis of mutual trust since it was founded," said Professor Flaming. "No one has kept track of how many times that trust has been betrayed, but it is almost certainly less than a million, and most of those have been children. No biggie."

Fans, however, were slower to give Crossview a pass, conspicuous by their absence at Crossview outlets. "We've been buying their line for years, and never gave it a second thought," said one dejected former customer. "We had them figured for the real thing, and here they are pulling the wool over our eyes. I just can't believe it."

Crossview denies rumors that it is thinking of renewing ties with its former parent company. However, it has been confirmed that Crossview is calling in independent consultants to assist in hiding information on their websites, changing phone numbers and mounting a vigorous legal defense of the company. "Good luck finding us next month," said the assistant football coach.

In related news, NTM, former parent company of Crossview Cookies, has retroactively dismissed Gene Long and placed a letter in his file, presumably the letter F, for writing an indiscreet spoof news article featuring Satan. "We have proprietary rights to that brand," said Assistant Football Coach and Senior Adjunct Instructor Scott "Lucifer" Ross.

Urgent Correction, Retraction, Apology and Raspberry

Upon receipt of a hot email from hell and an even hotter one from Scott Ross, the Spoof Writers Guild is publishing the following: Scott Ross is Assistant Football Coach and House Counsel for NTM; he is not, as was erroneously reported in a previous posting, Assistant Football Coach and Senior Adjunct Instructor for NTM. He is Senior Adjunct Trainer and Assistant Football Coach at Fort Sherman Academy. He is also Founder, Lead Investigator and Assistant Football Coach at The Ross Group International. Moreover, his nickname is not "Lucifer." It is really "Old Nick."

We offer our sincere apologies to Lucifer. We meant him no disrespect by confusing his name with that of his associate.

We are sorry for confusing Mr. Ross' many titles. In our rush to meet deadlines, we did not take the time to carefully vet our story. And, in our own defense, we don't see how Scott "Old Nick" Ross can keep his many roles straight; it's no wonder we got confused. We aren't nearly as smart as he is.

We apologize to our faithful readers for any confusion.

New Planet Joins Solar System

Can't last much longer, say experts

(Sanford, Florida) Astronomers at the NTM Planetarium and Observatory announced today the discovery of a new planet in our Solar System. Provisionally named "Planet NTM," it has become known among the scientific community as "the Silent Planet."

"It has a hard surface, with nothing coming out of it at all," said Dr. Paul Flaming, Assistant Football Coach and Senior Adjunct Astronomer. "There are signs on its surface that indicate leaks of internal matter in the past, but those days are long gone. Right now, it is as silent as a grave. Don't look for anything else to leak out now."

Asked why this planet had only just now come to the attention of scientists, Dr. Flaming said that it hasn't always had its present configuration. "We suspect that at some time in the distant past it may actually have been a light shining in dark places. There must have been a cosmic event of some type, causing it to rapidly expand in size before suddenly shrinking, whereupon its light went out. Right now, it resembles a black hole as much as anything," he explained. "It seems to be moving further and further into outer darkness. It won't be around much longer, I'm sure."

Scientists are agreed that the silence will probably never be broken. "The planet has actually turned in on itself, destroying itself even as it continues through space. Everything that comes in contact with it is either totally absorbed or violently repelled."

Small bits of matter that were detected just outside Planet NTM's orbit were originally thought to be part of the hard surface breaking up, but careful analysis has proven them to be tiny bits of broken former cookies. "This is a good sign that there was once life on the Silent Planet," said Dr. Flaming, "but it has long since disappeared. It's now an aimless, lifeless shell of its former self."

Scott Ross, Assistant Pilot for the Starship Pinehurst, made a phone call as he was crossing the desert to report that there were no plans at this time for a special mission to check on the Silent Planet. "I'd say it's a total loss. It's just not worth the time and effort, though there is a lot we can learn from it. In fact, I'm going to start my very own company just to help protect other planets from unnecessary financial expenditures and community backlash."

Mr. MB is rolling in the aisles after a hard day of work.
This was just the thing!

Not another case of flying dentures . imagine a toothless Mr Mosquito Bite

Re: new planet joins solar system.

Excellent news article indeed

A few other phrases sprang to my mind as I read this. Things like...worm hole, poisonous gasous atmosphere, non-life sustaining, devoid of any known life forms etc etc

I must admit to a history of watching to many sci-fi films, particulary Star Trek (Captain Picard gets my vote ) and I guess Star Wars.

The "death star is no longer full operational"...someone tell Chancellor Brown!

Sanford Fashion Review Draws Large Crowds

Deep Pockets Take Center Stage

(Sanford, Florida) This season's Sanford Fashion Review drew uncharacteristically large crowds to this sleepy Florida town. Featured prominently were the latest designs by Paul Flaming, Assistant Football Coach and noted fashion designer from Woodworth, Wisconsin.

In what many observers hailed as a brilliant strategic move from modest women's swimwear to business suits for male executives, Flaming left Sanford fashion enthusiasts agog. The entire collection was characterized by sensational variety, with something appropriate for every position, from Chief Executive Officer to Assistant Football Coach. Flaming even had a stylish orange jumpsuit for people caught shoplifting.

With suits equally divided between those with cuffs and those without, many showing wide lapels and others narrow, sometimes showing every variation on single suits, it was clear that these were fashions for people who refused to be pinned down. "I thought they would find ready acceptance here in Sanford," said Flaming, "and I see I was right."

With such variety in other features, the deep pockets that were prominent on every suit were this year's hallmark, and were considered particularly relevant for the latest executive wear.

First down the stagwalk was Scott Ross, Assistant Football Coach and supermodel. The pockets in his trousers were so deep that, weighted down by the wages of sin, they extended past his cuffs. In a memorable wardrobe malfunction that will be talked about for years, he inadvertently stepped on his pockets, pulling down his own drawers. The crowd gasped as a number of other identities were revealed, including Assistant Football Coach, Lead Investigator, House Counsel, Founder and Senior Adjunct Trainer. Evidently used to being caught with his pants down, Ross quickly recovered to make repeated appearances in deep pocketed suits of dizzying variety. He was a clear favorite among executives. "It would have been a poorer show, and shorter, without him," said Sanford Tribers' owner Lawrence Brown.

All of Paul Flaming's deep pocketed pants came with security devices specially designed to keep unwanted hands out. "It's one thing for our guys to have their hands in kids' pants; it's quite another to have their attorneys' hands in our pockets," said one satisfied customer.

At a gala ball after the show, Paul Flaming was swamped by fans, mostly executives in the NPO/ NGO sector. "Great show, Paul," said one enthusiastic buyer for a well known mission group. "It's so comforting to know that we can have deep pockets and still be protected from unnecessary financial expenditures and community backlash. It's an answer to prayer!"

Meanwhile, Scott Ross, registered agent for The , House Counsel for New Tribes Mission, adjunct senior trainer for Fort Sherman Academy, supermodel for Paul Flaming Fashions and Assistant Football Coach for most of the nation, left in several directions at once. When asked where he was headed, he cryptically replied, "Following the money…"

That was a good one!