MK forum

Thank you, darthjaded, for expressing that so well!

I look forward to hearing what Allbetter has to say about this too!

I was going to keep out of this discussion, as my own MK experience was heavily genetically influenced and so that skews my view of matters.

When I was doing my nursing training we went to a "religious commune" for an afternoon. There we were lectured by the leader (one Neville Cooper, now calling himself Hopeful Christian). He started out with the brilliance of self sufficiency and in this he had my attention and agreement, for what their commune had achieved was ahead of it's time. Then he got onto his religious beliefs and I'd heard it all before, delivered in the same dogmatic style. He reminded me of what I heard day after day after day at home, delivered with the same passion and dogmatism. Then he got into the groups weird sex obsession and the warning bells were going off in my head. Ironically turned out I was right and he went to jail for molestation some time later.
Decades latter Neville Cooper has moved his group (now 600 followers, a large percentage he is genetically linked to) to an isolated part of the country and cut himself off from outside eyes. ( http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=coo ... 48D9681CFD if anyone is interested)
One of his sons (he has a lot of kids) escaped and wrote a book about his experience (Sins of the father by Fleur Beale), which was a fascinating insight into how one person can gain so much power over so many and the effects that power has.
From it I came to an opinion that my own MK years were an influence of genetic programming within a group lead by other strong minded men. Like Neville Coopers son I've spent a considerable amount of energy trying to avoid turning out like our respective fathers and to make sense of the past we were dealt out by fate or design. To what extent I've achieved that, only those close to me really know and I don't let many people get very close having opted years ago for a sterility of emotions to avoid being manipulated more than I already was by displaying any sign of emotional weakness.

Being an MK is a major influence on who one becomes latter in life, but for some the Mission environment is superseded by strong environmental factors much closer to home. None of which this really helps the discussion probably, but maybe gives a different perspective.

To explore the dynamics of a situation, one often does have to get down to specifics. I've learned to take what seems a messy, pain-filled relationship, and go backwards. To me it looks like disconnection. And Paul, disconnection is a huge part of many families worldwide . . .so I get what you're saying. But detailing your 25 year relationship history to someone going thru a present divorce is rarely seen as wise. We do have a lot in common with normal society. But I spend a large amount of time in the intimate recesses of people's homes as nurse/servant/invisible person -- nah, there's a BIG difference. My folks have never been part of NTM. My point was only to show how this disconnection might play out between missionaries and their children. The spirituality aspect as articulated by Darth? HUGE.

So often how we FEEL about a situation is based on how we learned in our Family of Origen. Paul, I get the idea that you are getting weary with MK issues. It was tough working in a rehab. I get it. I want you to stay a part of this, but you don't HAVE to . . .I'd rather not feel portrayed as whiny--it's taken me 44 years just to be able to write about anything personal at all, and that post didn't even go that deep. Are you able to handle how I really feel?

Reminds me of the time I was in a new and exciting church, and was thinking about telling a close friend about it--then a preacher got up and went on a short harangue about tattoos. Yeah, well . . .so glad my friend that had had an abortion never got the invite . . .

Just felt like a shut-down. Or to use language from my childhood, "Shut up and sit down."

Oops, ignore the word "and" after Allbetter's quote.

Paul, that would be "cleaner" certainly -- to categorize everything as abuse and thus ok to talk about here, or not abuse, as in don't confuse the picture by talking about it on here.

Ain't gonna happen.

At the top of the page it says, "Discuss anything MK here." So I do.

Maybe in your world you have many friends, kin, co-workers that understand somewhat where you are and why. Where you can say MK without an explanation. I do not have that, except on here. My brothers live busy lives and we don't always want to talk about minefields.

I'm not articulating this well . . .am getting frustrated . . .anyone else want to join in?

Allbetter, I too thought about that heading today: "Discuss anything MK here". I love that! And we do!

I have never complained about being an MK. I do not feel sorry for myself because my parents were missionaries. On the contrary, "MK" is a central part of my identity which I have extremely positive feelings about. I never went to boarding school. And yet, when you wrote that post, Allbetter, listing seven ways in which you feel your adult years have been impacted by being an MK, in spite of the differences in our histories, I immediately related to much of what you wrote.

Paul, I do not recall very many MKs in this Forum speaking negatively about whether their clothing was threadbare, or whether or not they felt poor. It's not financial lack that makes some memories painful. It feels like you want to minimize the emotional pain, and the spiritual component which we have yet to deeply explore in this conversation.

I don't know whether we can move this discussion forward in a helpful way. Phrases you have written, Paul, like "we often do our MK's a great disservice by implying that all their ills in life are a result of being an MK / TCK", "I see the whole MK experience often presented in caricature", "it seems that most of the MKs I know seem to subconsciously tie every struggle or negative to their difficult childhood, and I don't understand it", and "MKs are done a dis-service when they are told and believe that the whole MK experience has set them behind in life" feel, to me at least, insulting and demeaning.

We do discuss anything MK here, and we do so in order to learn, grow, connect, and heal. It feels like you truly don't understand us very well, even though I believe you are married to an MK. I can relate, because I am an MK married to a non-MK, and even though he spent many years in NTM himself, I know there are aspects of my psyche that make no sense to him, even now.

Allbetter, I love what you wrote: "....Where you can say MK without an explanation. I do not have that, except on here."

Once again, I sooo get that! And I sooo love it!

And thus we shall go on discussing anything MK here. This is our Cheers Bar.

We won't always completely connect with each other. And no one should be excluded just because they don't totally agree with everything that is expressed.

But I sure do enjoy the "conversation without explanation"! That's one thing that keeps me coming here every day.

I really do too. Some of my pain is not the negative experiences, but the positive. Like this--in Brazil, I felt deeply loved by my Brazilian church friends. There was openness and acceptance . . .unlike US churches there was no real separation because of ages. The married woman talked to me as an equal, when I was 11, 12. They invited me to everything they did, were generous, fun-loving, laid back.

The pain? Of course, that I'm not there. When I said "yes" to an American to marry . . .I was too young to grasp the life-long distance. Please spare me the details of how small the world is, etc . . .every time I visited as an adult, I came back sobbing gut-wrenching tears. I love my husband, our home . . .but there it is . . .

Paul, I'd like for you to look up and read about this term "Disenfranchised Grief."

We need a place where it is ok to grieve. It was not ok to grieve at home, for missing grandparents . . .it would make mom feel too bad, and might make dad angry or disappointed . . .it was not ok to grieve at boarding school . . .they could send you back, oh the shame . . .in college, grieving was impossible not to do . . . But pretending it was about a boyfriend felt safer . . .

We have been split apart, spilled out. At my wedding, I had to say good-bye to my parents, who were leaving in three days. The expectation was that I would not see them for another four years. At my wedding some ghosts appeared from Via . . .i wanted to grab them and just run. . .I hugged them carefully, trying not to cry . . .nope, I've never seen them again either.

In time I might be able to write a post without hitting up my liquor cabinet. In time, if we are "allowed" to do this, we might have more positive reflections for those of you that think God needs the validation. We are a bubble-bursting bunch of sods.

But my life is somehow truer, less frantic, more open . . .my marriage better, my soul more free . . .for having this space with all of you. So thank you.

Raz, I don't mean to be insulting and demeaning in the statements I made. In fact I specifically phrased them with, "I think" "I see" "In my opinion" etc. I'm just saying what I have experienced in the past 20 years with my involvement with NTM and the various MKs. But I'll say no more cuz I think I get the picture. I shall not create any more waves with my views.

The things I have done and will continue to do to address abuse in NTM can be done without me posting here -- the fact is, I was already active on behalf of you all before joining the forum, and I became visible here only at the request of one of you.

I'm not leaving and can still be accessed via the PM feature, but will probably not be writing here again -- or at least not very soon. I really have enjoyed and valued my interaction here.

I love you guys.

All of you.