MK forum

[quote="Raz"]The poor response on the part of some missionary parents to their own children who are in great pain and in need of support and understanding still bothers me a great deal.

It's complicated, isn't it?

So many dynamics . . .so many years. In many ways, the adult years of being an MK were much harder for me because of some of these differences:

1). Because of going away to boarding school and then college, I never had adult advice about relationships. Never brought a boy home. There was no natural progression of boyfriends, dates, etc. The timing of my wedding was based on their furlough year.

2). By the time grandchildren were coming, my folks realized that they needed to vacation here just to see us . . .that still meant that our kids only had flesh and blood grandparents for 3 weeks out of the year, and that those 3 weeks were shared among all the relatives and a few churches and friends. We didn't see each other enough to get the awkwardness wrinkled out--it kept perpetuating . . .there were no grandparents for school concerts, babysitting, DIY projects . . .

3). We only were involved in crises after the fact--as in, "Praise The Lord, our house was robbed, but only the computers, TV, radio, etc, were stolen." Or "Dad is doing much better now . . .didnt your brother tell you he was in the hospital?"

4). After the first few years of separation, the people on the field had changed and there was little commonality with what we remembered . . .one time my mom came back and said, "You've moved to a new house, have a different car, and have a new job since I last saw you . . ."

5). All of the above caused as much pain to them as it did to us . . .so talking frankly about issues that would cause more pain, was not to be borne.

6). Not having them around, made the time actually spent with them precious . . .but still too rare to be intimate. Precious enough that you don't want to bring up bad memories. Previous enough that you don't want to rock the boat. Too precious to tell the whole truth.

7). Because of the emphasis on the spirituality of honoring your parents, on loving each other, there was little room for dissent without revealing your sinful nature. And you didn't want them to worry about you, and get more nosy.

So many gaps to overcome . . .

Wow, absolutely accurate.

You describe the dynamics so well, Allbetter.

I can definitely relate to all the above, and I'm sure many others can too.

And for me, the chain continues ....

Our two older children, the ones we placed in boarding school, now live far away from us. I think they would say that they resonate with much of what you wrote, when it comes to their own relationship with us, their parents.

Our two younger ones, on the other hand, were day students at the mission school, not "dorm kids".

Now adults with their own families, they both live within a few miles of us, and we are very involved in their lives and the lives of their children. Just two days ago my younger daughter texted me, "I had a really bad day," and wanted to tell me all about it. And she is 34.

Our older son and his family recently visited us here. Toward the end of their visit, after he had spent a good deal of time with his two youngest siblings, he observed to me that the two younger ones have a much different relationship with us than he and our second-born do. He said that because they were never separated from us and placed in boarding, "I think they experienced your love as safety, and grace."

I wanted to cry.

But I am also pleased that he is analyzing and verbalizing the differences.

And grateful that he finally feels safe enough with me to tell me about it.

And he is 42.

Or maybe not, people who are not your family and are tasked with caring for kids with very little accountability. People sticking their noses into home and family issues where it is none of their business but using spiritual terms to justify their actions. Disciplining kids for personal vindictiveness. Kids told their parents won't have a job because they aren't fitting standards for elders when those kids haven't even had a chance to decide if they even embrace the faith of their parents. Moving every 6 months to a year and changing school systems each time for most of that child's education. Being paraded in front of 30 to 40 church's and forced to sing in a language you don't even speak because your parents need support and church members need entertainment to decide you are worthy of their money. Having mixed identities because of spending equal time in two or three cultures, identifying with all but never really a part of any. Not understanding proper etiquette of the country your parents are from.
No Paul, I say you are wrong. The things I mentioned are common to a group of people that fit primarily in evangelical missions groups starting in the mid to late 1950s with some of these issues common to military brats. Sorry nice try! No pity parties on our part but definitely common emotional angst and rootlessness

darthjaded, I don't deny that the issues you specifically mentioned can be tied directly to missionary work, and at the end of my post I acknowledged that there are mission related and boarding school related issues. My point was not to say that NOTHING can be tied back to an MK culture, because I know without a doubt that some (many? most?) can. And as you also mentioned, the military is another environment where some similar instances occur. But my musings were specifically with regard to the things that Allbetter said and the comments of Raz, and having grown up outside an MK/TCK environment I can state factually that those specific things are not unique to MKs.

The reason I commented at all is because I see the whole MK experience often presented in caricature. When one wants to impress positively, the benefits of growing up in a third culture are given glowing reports; but when one wants to do otherwise, the negative aspects of that same third culture are made to seem the whole sum of the experience. I am not saying that is what Allbetter was doing in her post, but it prompted my thinking in that direction.

I also I fully realize that the purpose of this forum is to expose the negative and/or evil side of the NTM experience. I don't deny the validity of your experiences, and I'm leaning to reserve my comments for when information is being discussed, and remain quiet when emotional issues are the topic.

Maybe I am arguing where there is no argument. When I hear maybe these issues are part of normal life in a fallen world, I respond with maybe the thing to consider is that what you thought was all for God's glory should also be looked at thru lens of personal validation, leadership manipulation, and abdication of God given parental stewardship. Defining the issues and naming them directly feels better than blanket sweeps.

Almost all the issues mentioned by these two result directly from a cultural paradigm unique to the time period mentioned before in evangelical circles

The discussion of parents changing values and growing in your parenting skills is a good discussion. What makes this discussion different is the consequences of the disconnection between parents and children and the spiritual verbiage used to justify the distance and keep people doing their "Work". This is unique

The emotional trigger in case you are wondering Paul is the one that says "There's no real issue here " If that was not the intended statement Ok. What many of have heard for years is that there is no issue but we are feeling the effects of the Phantom issues while wondering what our problems are. What feels healthier is the validation of the issues and naming for what it is so we can keep moving forward.