MK forum

This is an excerpt from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Jeff VanVonderen and David Johnson...

Living Consistently
“Earlier we talked about the person who attempts to erase shame, to earn acceptance, and to establish a positive self-concept based on his or her own behaviors. This is the person’s motive for acting or not acting certain ways. It is a different story for those who are in Christ.

Since there is “now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” and since we are already new, accepted, and complete in Him, we are free to live for a different motive. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5, “For the love of Christ controls us.” (v. 14). Instead of earning, proving, or pleasing, we can do what we do just because Jesus loves us and we love Him.

We used to believe that the successful Christian life was about doing good, and not doing sins. But sin is more than a behavior issue; sin results when we forget to trust in the real God for our identity and spiritual strength, or when we place our trust in something other than our Source.

If I use drugs, steal, or commit adultery in an attempt to meet my needs it is sin. What makes it sin is not that I performed a behavior on the “bad list” – although I did do that. The sin is that I tried to draw life or significance from something that could not give it. Instead of trusting God I trusted a false god. That is missing the mark.

If, on the other hand, I teach a Sunday school class, serve on a committee or put money in the offering [or serve as a missionary?!] in order to validate myself or earn approval from God or someone else, it’s also a sin. What is a sin about it however, is not that I didn’t do behaviors on the “good list” (because I did do them). It’s that I tried to draw life and significance from something that could not give it. Instead of trusting God I turned to a false god - positive-looking, but false just the same. That also is missing the mark.

Whenever I become aware of a sin – a behavior resulting from looking to my own performance instead of to what Jesus did on the Cross – there is no shame. It is no final “proof” that I am unworthy of God’s grace and empowerment because I have temptation or I have sinned. It simply means that for a time, I again attempted to draw “life” out of wrong sources and actions. It is the process of the Christian life to reteach my mind and soul how to rest in the promise of Life itself.

I do this, first of all, by responding to guilt as a “spiritual nerve-ending”. Guilt tells me I am headed toward death, not toward God and life. I then go to God and say I’m sorry. He forgives me. It is over. I may still have to live with some consequences of my behaviors. But I do not have to hide from God. And I do not have to scramble around, trying to fix my life in order to earn back spiritual points that I lost. There were no points. My struggle is still the same: to hang on to Jesus, and to live consistent with who I am and what I have in Him. If I remember who I am and what I have and my behavior hits the mark, there is no self-righteousness. I feel grateful. I go to God and say, “Thank you.”

My thoughts:
This is crazy-good news for people (like me!) who have been living under a performance burden and now we are getting it. It just makes you happy, and peaceful, and content when you are living this way. You feel “full” and you just naturally want to share this good news with others because it’s just so great!

I wonder how much of the NTM problems are do to the fact that too many missionaries (leaders and not) did not/do not “get it”. I know we operated under a performance standard, being focused on our “success” in tribal church planting as an indication of God’s blessing on our lives.

When you are focused on your own success, or the success of those under you who will make you look successful, we get very ungracious toward ourselves and others and anybody or anything that is not cooperating with our pathway to success – well we just can’t handle it. It becomes very convenient and spiritual sounding to claim religious authority as a means to get people to do what you want them to do. It makes total sense too why child abusers would not be exposed. There are all kinds of fine sounding excuses about not wanting the Mission to suffer, but doesn’t it really come down to, “If the mission looks bad, I look bad.” How can it be avoided when you’ve been going around the country singing the praises of NTM in order to garner financial support. How can it be avoided when you need to show evidence of your accomplishments in order to keep the support coming?

But how different it is when we are operating out of a sense of fullness. Then it becomes okay to admit our failures. And it becomes okay to point out others failure too and not run away from the consequences of it. We don’t have to hide or pretend.

Yes, NTM has been/is wrong in some foundational ways. Yes, it needs to be pointed out. But at the end of the day, when you are operating from a grace perspective yourself, you want that even for your enemies (i.e. those who have hurt you)! I hope and pray that NTM will “get it” too. Grace is just too good to miss.

Your thoughts?

Wow, Kathy, really, really good thoughts.

Personal confession: I used to think I was pretty impressive. Super-missionary. Super-mom. Part of a super-dynasty family combination in NTM. Yeah, I was pretty full of myself.

One of the reasons that I was so angry at Les Emory is that he made all those things I smugly thought about myself feel like a huge lie. He knocked me clean off my pedestal into the muck and mud of real life.

I was a failure as a mom. A failure as a missionary. My kids were broken. My marriage was broken. I was broken.

Thank you, my wonderful, patient Lord, for opening my eyes. It was a slow, painful journey, but I came to understand how I had actually been the one living the lie all along. My performance-based so-called Christian life was not built on grace at all. It was based on my own impressiveness and human capabilities.

Yes, I was on a pedestal of idolatry. And the only one worshiping me was my own prideful self.

Only those who are totally humbled, flat on their face in the cesspool of life in our broken world can "get" this. AMAZING GRACE ... how sweet, how sweet, the sound! (Typing through tears of gratitude now.)

I'm not trying to shift the blame ... I'm the one who built my own self up in my own eyes. But if I could make the observation that others fostered this spirit of pride in me by the affirmation and adulation they gave me. My dear father, who treated me as the special child because I was more like a co-worker than a little girl. NTM because I was so "gifted" ... a seasoned MK with linguistic and communication ability. My colleagues on the field because I could "do it all" ... birth four kids, break down a language, do medical work, and translate the Bible. And write articles for Brown Gold.

They gave me a lot more esteem than they did C, who was scared to death in the tribe, hid in her house, cried and couldn't learn any language. Or K, whose house and kids were an unruly mess because she liked being out with the tribal people. Or V who was sick all the time and could hardly hold her life and her sanity together.

I imagine there were times when those women wished they could be more like me. While God was up there shaking his head, because I was the one who just wasn't "getting" it, while those women clung to him for the strength to just put one foot in front of the other and make it through the day.

I deeply repent for my terribly skewed perspective on myself and others. And in all my brokenness I am now the Mary who just sits quietly at Jesus' feet, resting my head on his knee, while he gently strokes my hair and says, "It's alright, my precious one. I'm fixing it. I'm fixing it all. Because I love you so much."

I will never get over this wonder. Not for the rest of eternity.

If I could also add another facet of my thoughts on your post, Kathy. You touched on it. It's something I don't think we have emphasized enough on this Forum.

Money, money, money. Cue the great Abba song.

We all need money. It's how we live. How we keep a roof over our heads and feed our family.

It's also how we pay for flying our large families around the world, buy computers and cameras, and pay for expensive flights in and out of remote locations.

It's how we reach tribal people. We have to have money.

Agreed.

But is it possible that there comes a point when financial concerns supersede and even eclipse concerns for the safety and well-being of MKs, justice for adult survivors of child abuse within the close-knit NTM family, and the apprehending and incarceration of pedophiles who were once members-in-good standing of The Great New Tribes Mission?

I am so very blessed by some of the posts these days. Thank you. God is truly working in my heart from what some of you are writing. Thank you. Kathy, I am reading that book too. It's really good and I would recommend it for everyone.

Raz, I grew up with the performance burden and played it perfectly. Through boarding school years, it was the only way to gain attention and approval, thus building up my own pride. I'm so thankful God has shown me how wrong this is, that my own deeds are as filthy rags. Thanks Kathy and Raz for reminding me about the crazy-good news of God's grace. You have helped me in my growth.

Raz, $$$ has to play in to it. You have been there, you know! It's so hard to let those who are supporting us know the truth about the ugly things in NTM. We ourselves have written to all of our contacts and supporters about the abuse that has happened in NTM, giving them the links for the grace report and this website and acknowledged that abuse was taking place when I was growing up in PNG. That was a couple months ago. We only heard back from one person (who we never usually hear from and isn't a supporter) about it, no other feedback. We want our supporters to know what they are supporting. If that hurts our support, that's the way it is. I truly hope NTM is turning away from the fear of loosing financial support over being open and honest.

Reading the book, too.
Raz, you are the best! Much better off the pedestal than on. HARD lessons. God is lifting others up thru your story. "Beauty for ashes...."

Agast, you and your husband are very brave! I know God is honored and glorified by your courage.

"It's alright, my precious one. I'm fixing it. I'm fixing it all. Because I love you so much." bears repeating

Raz, Your story is just beautiful. I am so glad you shared it. Thank you! And thank you God, the Author of these stories!

Hey, I guess ya'll are figuring out that I am a Jeff VanVonderen fan, so there's no use trying to hide it! So I'll just go ahead and tell you that Jeff has an interview at:
www.spiritualabuse.com/?page_id=58

One of the topics he covers is that we can't experience grace until we realize just how broken we are. He says grace just "bounces off" if we don't realize our need for it. It's a funny picture to think of grace bouncing off of people - "boing!", but what a sad reality. I sure want grace to "stick" to me!

It's been so great to read all the stories of healing on this blog from abusive, legalistic environments to getting a grip on God's grace. Awesome!