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 Post subject: Coming to Terms...Part 2
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:50 pm 
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One conclusion I have come to after "reliving" my childhood in print is that I feel like I am still to this day that tiny scared little 7-year-old in a red bathing suit completely befuddled as to why I am getting in trouble and beaten with a stick as big as I was for something that I didn't even know was wrong. I am still to this day trying to be a perfect child, mother, sister, friend, so that people will like me and treat me well and not hurt me or reject me. All of my trying is for naught because I still get in trouble constantly, get rejected constantly, and get hurt constantly for things that I am doing or saying when everything inside of me is crying out, "I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to be a good person. Why can't anyone see that? Please love me. Please be my friend.” After more than 50 years of carrying these scars, can I heal my “soul wounds?” Can I be whole? My daughter recently helped me to see that I have accomplished some pretty remarkable things in spite of the life experiences that make up my childhood, youth, and teens, and even my adult life. I did feel whole once in the early years of my marriage and when I had my three amazing and beautiful babies. I was completely fulfilled and peaceful and happy and had loads of friends. That is the only time in my life when I have felt this way. Unfortunately, my marriage ended after 16-1/2 years totally against my will due to my husband's adultery and unwillingness to repent and give up the other woman. I was willing to forgive and work through it – he wasn't. Extremely hurtful to again be rejected when I was trying so hard to be a good wife, mother, and homemaker. I am very proud of the way I handled myself through the whole experience and now I don't have to live with regrets because I tried to get revenge or freaked out or made horrible life-altering decisions that I couldn't undo. My children can look up to me. I have an extremely great relationship with my three beautiful amazing children – two girls and a boy and now one precious granddaughter. There aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe how amazing this child is. I feel so blessed.

As I worked through these issues with a Christian counselor a couple of years ago – yes, it took me that long – I realized how much my experiences at PQQ had shaped who I have become as a person. I truly hope that by sharing our stories on fandaeagles.com that others will be comforted in their struggle to put all of this behind them, but also that programs will be put in place that will train the missionaries better who are leaving for the field, will weed out the abusers and harsh disciplinarians, change the authority to spank children and instead report infractions to the parents who will dole out a proper punishment (although I am aware that some parents are worse than the teachers and dorm parents), and who will institute a program for children returning to the USA from the field to educate them and give them some tools to survive and to have confidence in themselves, to learn how to find a job, some job training skills, how to get a driver's license, apply for schools/colleges, etc. The world is an even more cruel place to live in than it was 40-50 years ago. Everyone knows that. We need to be properly equipped with the proper armor for “the battle.”

Let me know your thoughts. I hope that I have been an encouragement, but also a comfort to someone out there.

Love in Christ,
Mimi


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 4:52 pm 
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Mimi, thank you for having the courage and for taking the time to share your story...every single story shared here has merit and will be a blessing! Although heartbreaking in parts, I enjoyed reading what you had to share as there is so much to relate to from my own story...which is, of course, the purpose of this place. Thanks for being a part!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 7:58 pm 
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Location: Upstate NY US
Mimi thanks for sharing your story. Every story is important. You obviously care that others never experience what you did that is good. It can help in our healing telling the story and trying to help others. Just don't forget to take care of yourself.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:07 pm 
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Mimi, welcome to this place! Your story wrenches my heart yet again. Every MK's story has affected me so deeply ... and far too many tragic stories have been told.

We are all tempted to rate abuse by degrees. You sound almost apologetic that the abuse you suffered in Brazil was not as severe as what some have suffered, as though their voices somehow have more validity.

You mention your precious granddaughter. I don't know how old she is, but imagine her as a frightened 7 year old, enduring what you had to endure. And allow yourself to feel the anger. It is okay to be mad. Really mad. About what you and your siblings went through, and what an unbelievable number of other NTM MKs around the world went through.

We can come up with excuses all day long about why our missionary parents and their co-workers and leaders didn't know better, or do better. But what you went through in PQQ is still absolutely inexcusable. People who beat children, humiliated them and controlled them through terror were WRONG. And they need to be held accountable.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. We believe you, and we care.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:30 pm 
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Funny how a river runs through many of our childhoods. I often wondered if I just carried on floating on the truck inner tubes we used, down the river, whether I might be able to get to the coast and escape back home. I figured if I took a pack of cornflakes that would see me through, but then I didn't want to leave my stamp collection behind, so figured it wasn't such a good idea after all.

Anyway welcome to Fanda Eagles, we don't bite like Piranas or Aligators, cuz for most of us our dentures ain't that good. :o


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 11:29 pm 
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Bemused I wonder how many boarding school students planned to escape. I remember talking about it. Remember some big kid who got in trouble when they tied.

We use to sing "If I had the wings of an angel over these prison walls I would fly" At least we could dream about getting out.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:12 am 
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Shary Hauber wrote:
Bemused I wonder how many boarding school students planned to escape. I remember talking about it. Remember some big kid who got in trouble when they tied.

We use to sing "If I had the wings of an angel over these prison walls I would fly" At least we could dream about getting out.


My parents had a Jim Reeves tape and one of the songs was "I'll fly away" and my mother would sing it regularly, no doubt thinking about the day when she earned her wings and wandered up to the Pearly Gates. Meantime Little Bemused was thinking of the day when he'd fly away from the boarding school/base.
I was under the impression that I was the only one in my era that wanted out, while others were falling in love, falling out of love, playing with each other, fellowshiping, singing Kumbah Yah, brewing the odd bit of homebrew e.t.c.
Eventually I did get out, six months ahead of the rest of the family. And the predicted evil world beyond the fence, turned out to be pretty good.

I'd be interested in others accounts of "attempted escape" or plans.

In the meantime, here is Jim Reeves (Shock horror, Bemused is going to paste a gospel song :o )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNXq5p5Voxw


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 3:17 am 
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Thank you Mimi. I have a 7 year old child. I cannot put into words the love I feel for him. Your story breaks my heart.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:52 pm 
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Welcome, Mimi!
Some of us may have been beginning to think there were some fields where life was not as bad
Until recently when we heard from Panama and W. Brazil.
It seems that everywhere it was the same!
How many children went thru those schools???
So glad you have been getting some help
And thank you for encouraging others with your story.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 4:07 pm 
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Mimi Wrote:

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My parents' dismissal was also a very traumatic event. My father had confessed at a missionary conference that he had been "tempted" to touch some of the money that belonged to the mission that my Mom did the books for and the money was to be distributed to the missionaries. He never succombed to the temptation. If you knew my Dad, you would know that he was beyond honest about everything and extremely humble. New Tribes Mission was considered a "faith mission" and did not require missionary families to have a set amount of money as support per month for each family member, and sometimes there was no money left for food. Sometimes my Mom, Dad, and little brother and sister would have to eat flour and water pancakes for breakfast (after sifting the bugs out of the flour) and nothing but cara (a cheap starchy purple potato) for dinner. I cry at the memory of seeing that little piece of potato on their plates and nothing else. My Dad was a very open and honest person, and because of that, he was told that he and my mother would have to start over and retake the missionary training if they wanted to return to the mission field. If he refused to do this, he would be asked to leave the mission.


This is totally bizzare, but completely believeable, as it happened over and over again. A child goes to the headmaster and/or field comittee and say "X is raping me or Y is molesting me". X and Y might be questioned, but of course if they did they would deny it and the child would suffer hell because of speaking up. But X is also in charge of finanace and when the allegation of embezzlement arises, lo and behold two senior NTMers fly into another country to confront X about the matter.

Of course this all happened decades ago and all should be forgiven and forgotten, right? Actually no, it wasn't that long ago and it happened very close to me.

So to sumarise, money is far more important a matter to investigate than allegations made by a child.

Of course the Leopard has changed it's spots now and all is well and this will never happen again?
Don't honestly know, but maybe the Leopard has camoflage spots now?????


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