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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:36 am 
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MK Chame, your words rip at my heart. Tears in my eyes for you.

So much of what you say could be said by one of my daughters. She cannot remember what happened to her in the dorm bedroom after lights out, but the life-altering effects have been pervasive and obvious, to this day. We only know what happened, because that monster missionary pedophile who violated her wrote us a letter and "confessed" what he did.

She was only 6, for God's sake.

I am so sorry you have no one close to talk to about this. No one to believe you. That is awful.

We believe you. We are always here to listen. We are also cheering you on as you dig into the past, process it, and continue to heal. It is very hard work, I know. But so much better than keeping it blocked off while it eats you alive.

The person who did this to you is the one who should pay the price. Instead, it is you who suffer, and pay, and continue to struggle and wish your life could end.

It is all so wrong. So unfair. So upside down. That is why we are still here. Why we continue to fight for a voice. For justice. The fact that it happened because families had given their all to do God's work in God's way makes it all the more horrific.

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. We will continue to carry you in our hearts and prayers.


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:57 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:13 pm
Posts: 496
Location: Upstate NY US
MK Chame I write this with tears in my eyes.

I want to send you a white rose to show you. You are not to blame you are pure. I have a book mark with a white rose on it that was given to me as a survivor and if you PM your address to me I would like to send it to you.

Tell your self over and over "I am not to blame." You did nothing to ask for all the abuse. You were a pure child with no thoughts or actions of evil. The evil was done to you. Your abuser bears 100% of the blame.

I am glad you broke his daughter's arm. Don't ever think that was bad. It shows how strong your inner child was. You did what you had to to protect that little innocent girl. You are not evil.

I really want to send you the white rose book mark to show you I believe you.

Love you and wish I could just hold the little girl, and protect her.

Shary


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:11 pm 
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Posts: 528
Finding balance in my voice
Not suppression but restraint
Freedom over long repressed memory
Repressed anger
Repressed habit
Divining the truth
My truth


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 12:39 am 
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My Dear MK Chame,

We grew up in different continents, but from what I can decipher, roughly the same time. And we find that we have one thing in common, the lasting effects of a childhood that should have been idyllic but was a nightmare.
For me I found laughter a good standby, laughing at the crazyness that was around me, laughing at the old comedies on the radio, because there was no one else to listen. It's stood me in good stead, but it has sometimes covered up what is really going on deep down. The isolation, the loneliness and the wanting to belong but knowing that there would always be that nagging doubt or social ineptness.
So I read your tragic story and what can I say? Probably nothing that will ease your pain, but to pass on the limited wisdom of my own experience, in that time does heal slowly (although not completely) if you can hang in there. Realising that you weren't the only one is theraputic and that there are those who care (such as on this site) is invaluable. Seeing that others have been on similar journeys and been able to deal with their own demons is inspiring. Alas the past we can never change, those who influenced our past are unlikely now to change, but being able to change direction from down to up is in your hands and there are hands who will help you on your way. Forgive yourself for whatever has been a consequence of the cruelty of others, hold your head up as you are able and imagine a better future, then step towards it one step at a time.

And for inspiration, ponder this lovely bit of writing: (The Desiderata)

Quote:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


Take care

Bemused


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 3:05 pm 
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Posts: 254
Thank you MK Chame for having the courage to post out here. I BELIEVE YOU! Please keep reading and posting. I'm glad that you are getting the counselling that you need.


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 9:04 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:04 am
Posts: 138
All of you are such Angels. Truly. The support you give me, the understanding and the nurturing is amazing to me and an answered prayer. See I knew God liked me :)

I want to share a miracle for me today with you... I found Kerry Gray!! Let me tell you what she did for me. When I was kicked out of the compound and my mother was being kept from me through her "re programming" I didn't know what to do. No toys still, the big dorm had been my home. Where do I go. Tree is too wet as it is the rainy season. Schneider boys still gone. Slaymakers were no longer allowed around me. So Kerry came out in the pouring rain, risked severe punishment and built this tin hut with me while we laughed and laughed and she said see Ralph we are having fun. HA. I only knew her for a brief time and loved her accent but I have missed her for a lifetime. God was in NTM. It was us children. Truly. And that Mango tree. So an answered prayer. I needed a friend, support and someone who understood. She has even validated some very sad stuff for me. She only could remember me as the "bAd girl" YUP that is what that Christian Leader did to me. Erased my name along with my innocence, safety and security on top of never trying to get my toys there. I was the "bad girl" Does he know what that did to me???

My brothers hated me. I was bad
My dad was embarassed of me. I was bad
My sister said HA HA you are bad
My Mom abandoned me because I was bad

So I became a child prodigy - as soon as my parents got excited I said NA I am going to fail now
I gave up my virginit at 14 and only did it to say HAHA DAD now who is dirty
I refused to cook and sow as my mother wanted me to do it for my brothers to fix me so I could be a good wife because that was the only chance I had
I played Fietld Hockey. Damn good too! They only went to my sisters game. My dad went to my last one. I broke my niose
I was loved by all my friends and their parents. My parents said no something must be wrong
So at 15 I met a 21 year old and yes dated him, ran away to Boston and snuck out all the time
I flashed all of my dads co workers in town. Wanna see dirty here ya go
I manipulated men
I did nothing but run
I almost died from bulimia but hey my mom said my beauty was all I had
I had to stay back in school instead of being moved up because my siblings weren't smart and that wouldn't b e fair
I got my own job and became a manager at 15. No one cared
I went to college. No one else did.
I tutured my little brother and mothered him
I was beat up by my older siblings constantly
I ran away
I overdosed
I cut
Sex was fun
and oh the clothes I had from shoplifting
I did what I wanted and let Marla take the fall this time as she couldn't keep her mouth shut
Everyone in town said that poor girl.
I married someone at 19 after a month of knowing him because he was my ticket out
I had a baby
I was free
Nope. I have two degrees and did it as a full time Mom, worker and PTA Board Member
No one went to my graduation so I said keep the degree
I raised three girls on my own with a very abusive ex
I fought him all alone.
I had to give him sexual favors for help with car etc
My own dad wouldn't help me
NO MAN was ever there to protect me and I was going through men like cookies and told once that they aren't chess pieces. HUH yes they are
I became a stripper for a day.
I had a beautiful body and I knew it.
I was a model
But no one ever said WOW Heather you are a good Mpm
NOPE I was divorced and a shame again. Oh he beats you, cheats on you and sexually abuses. Oh come on he makes good money. He is your husband.
Left all on my own when my third child was 1 month old
RAISED MY GIRLS WITH LOVE, REAL LOVE
Met a man in Church. Hey maybe Dad will love me now
Ex got mad at me so did the boyfriend when I broke up with him
They had a plan. Teach me
He raped me for hours making me say I was a bad girl
He left, He came back
He laughed.
My daughters were upstairs
I froze
He said he would go for them if I didn't take it
NO WAY you can kill me.
I will endure hours and years of your rape....NOT MY ANGELS\
He kidnapped me the next day
Leaving my babies alone for 8 hrs
He tortured me
He blackmailed me
He killed my soul again
Man I hate Christian men
What is the deal
Fought for my kids
Lost them due to extreme stress and fear
Met a Cuban
Met my hero
He made me laugh and feel safe
He also abused me
BUT
I started it
I became violent. really violent
Bad GIRL
I live in fear, suffer physically, cry, literally felt my mind go when it did
CUT again
Tried to kill myself over 30 times in one year
Everytime though my little girl text me
An gels again.
God does love me
They are grown now
My dad isn't angry someone touched me
Ughhh I am bad again
Oh I took down the biggest Mortgage fraud gang in the NW
NO one cared
That was scary
It was hard
I risked my career
Let my ex have the girls in case these guys came after me
They are in jail
FBI and IRS took all the glory. They priomised money. I wanted to I could heal
Still waiting
Then the INVESTIGATION
\Don't do it
Wait those innocent kids
Damn I was a victim too
I knew it
I am not nuts
Why me
Oh yeah I am bad
Why doesn't my family care
They won't even get back to Anne so she can cross them off
I AM YOUR SISTER WTF
I hate my family
I hate God
OH WAIT NO...sorry God I love you
My nephews mom kills herself. Another BPD victim. She couldn't handle how my family madre her feel. My mom took her boys.
She was a drug addict
But she was still hurting
Witness?
Nope not the Embletons
My boss killed himself
WHY
HE was my father figure
OK I am jealous of them
HUH H you are nuts
Cut again
Hate these scars
Oh I live with parents and brother\
She buys me a lot\
LOVE
My brother hates me so bad and blames me. He abuses me. Really people
I shut down
I have lost my smarts, drive, hope and only pray for God to kill me PLEASE
This sucks
OK BAD GIRL don't let them win
I have a plan
It is called ME
ME ME ME ME ME
and yup I am going to spread the good word of NTM
You have now messed with the wrong girl
I write
Yup gonna take you down.....by exposing you
I will keep these Chame MKs going. We can do this
Contacted the attorney. Hmmmm he looks good. I don't want blood money back
I want me. That 10 year old girl. Damn she is mad at me
Oh I gained weight. Oh well
Can't throw up anymore and my mom took my beauty anyway. Made me shallow but wouldn't let me model and always says my girls are so pretty. YEAH they look just like me and you are on limited soul time with them.
I did drugs
I drank
I was wild
It was fun
But not really
I am a good girl and I love God
I can't even be intimate
Sex is sex to me and I am good
By boyfriend just wants to hold me
I mock him
that isn't nice
Another acronym added
and another
damn stop giving everyone so much ammo
What happened to Heather
She was so strong and put together
Oh she walked away from her home, car, sold everything and hid. But it feels good
I hate this constant train wreck
Now my IBS is severe
Yup AND The diabetes. I used to be so healthy. I am falling apart. But am I trying to. Slowly killing myself
Any way I have a plan.
If I am too loud then back away
It won't get quieter
Sorry M & D
You are wrong
Marla you are weak
Paul you are mean
David WTF I was your mommy, spent all night on phone with you when you found out you were BI Polar. LOve you BRO
Oh yeah the Embletons live in denial and selfishness. All about them and their pain
FU
I am stronger and I am the one who was the victim
Stop blaming me
Stop looking at me like I am dirty
I am really smart
Very smart
and I don't need men to coddle me
I can build a house
Start a business
Understand an Opera
Dig in the dirt
CLIMB A TREE
Swim a lake to save a child
Swim the 2nd biggest river
help a stanger
Give a van to a DV victim
Cry with victims and mean it
I am good
I am Heather NOT BAD girl
I have a sad story but if you listen you will feel God through me and my love for my kids. A True love. A love of sacrifice
I want to love
I want to love
I want to be loved
Ok 40 yrs old
ENOUGH
Someone sent me a pic of my tree
How amazingly peaceful
I just need a hug M&D
Simple
No????
Really??
Whatever
I can hug myself so HA

LOVE to all of you
WOW
Had to get it out
I am ready to face my real demons
This time I don 't care what the fam thinks
Live in your hell
I am out of here
Does Heather Spencer sound good??
No marriage
Done being an Embleton
Kisses, prayers and may your angels return!!
H


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 10:04 pm 
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Wow. So powerful. So sad. So real.

Many things you have to say sound familiar. You would be amazed to know how not alone you are. How many people GET the things you say, and the way you say them. People who read here. People who have written here.

The scars from childhood abuse run so, so deep. So much deeper than your cutting scars.

You are right, Heather.

You are Heather NOT BAD girl.

And yes, God not only loves you. He LIKES you.

So do we. Thanks for taking the incredibly courageous step of telling us more about your story and your life. My heart is broken all over again for you.

But in reading and re-reading your post, what I sense is that after all these years, you have found your voice! You have found your strength! You have learned some really important things through all the horrific things you have suffered. You don't have to ever be a victim again.

Rise up, Heather NOT BAD girl! Rise up, shake off your chains, and LIVE!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 11:01 pm 
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Posts: 528
Oh no MK Chame. You are NOT bad. You are BAD ASS! Kick it! Grab your honor, grab your good memories and run with it!

There is safety and a listening ear here.


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 11:17 pm 
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It's tragic, it's raw, it's hard to read and be disconnected, but it is honest and heartfelt.

Thank you for writing this, it is an insight into your nightmare and your world. Some of it others have experienced, some of it I have too, but it is your reality and a hard one to hear.

Alas I am not one of the angels refered to, my halo went to the dry cleaners decades ago and never came back :? .

Thank you for telling us your story, it is another step in the direction we find ourselves going on this site, making the world a better place for tomorrow's children by dealing with the evil of yesterday by our actions today. Each voice that is heard, each story told is another step. Be at peace with yourself, love those who genuinely love you and walk tall for you have survived.

In the meantime if you are down at the dry cleaners and see a tired worn out halo, that says "Bemused" on it, just smile and imagine how it got in that condition, because as said before, I'm no angel, just human ;) .


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 Post subject: Re: Investigation
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 12:09 am 
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Idea everyone. Would you be interested in putting together a book of our writings??? I have read some of yours also and am touched, sadenned and somehow inspired. They never expected us to grow up. Watch out! The more we ban together the more upset they get.

I am very good at organizing, finding resources etc. I found my voice again and I won't stop this time. Someone finally believe me, validated me and said I care. So powerful!

I am so happy I found all of you again. I weep for you too. I still see the child in all of you :)

And you know something else...really Panama. It wasn't safe for Americans. Duh. And did we help them. I don't know. I never went into the jungle. I remember the town folk loved me. I hung out with them. Did we help though town of Chame?? My brother used to run off with Carlos I know that. Just a new thought I had.


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