MK forum

I don't have much to lose by being on here . . .maybe the respect of someone I went to school with 25 years ago and haven't seen since. I became a non person the year my husband and I decided not to go into that hallowed path---full-time Christian ministry. I lost further standing when my husband stopped going to church. I totally blew it when we only had one child, and didn't home school. And then became a professional so mired in debt that I cannot financially support our missionaries, lend them a car, or host a missions conference, all which would have gained me a few points.

But most MK's aren't that depraved. My parents mission was assimilated into another. I am fortunate to have a husband who enjoys my very small acts of defiance. My brothers are used to me and I have never ever been a threat to them.

And yet, I remember vividly the total panic I felt two years ago when I realized my dad could trace my username on this forum and how relieved I felt to change it.

A lot of MKs will never take this public step of writing on here. Way too frightening. Therapy is expensive. Stakes are high. Since nobody in these here United States cares that we had another existence, it's easier to never talk about it. To stop in at a Brazilian restaurant and pretend that that's good enough. To secretly read this forum on lonely nights.

Can you spell S-H-A-M-E?

Yeah, I can spell S H A M E it's Still Hanging on After Missionary Experience

Hey but look what you have got, a husband who supports you!!!!! How good does that get, some of us would really love that (or even a husband, who sticks around ) and you have a child too, who you can teach a better way to live because you've seen the other side. You're not a "non-person" because you didn't do full time ministry, you've just taken the path that is right for you and it is not the comfortable one that so many MKs fall into because they can't figure what else to do with their lives.
You don't need to support missions or missionaries to be a good person, that is just the old guilt speaking. Don't worry most of us have been there and done that. Be your own person, fly free, hug your man and child, draw the line in the sand that you won't let those who make you feel depraved cross.
There will always be those that are better off than you and there will always be those who are worse. That's how life works, but life can be beautiful, despite the past, I know cuz I've been a long way down that road too.

You guys have made me smile, trying to cheer me up . Yep, I know logically that I'm valuable, lucky, etc. And the kind of spread my man will make for the Super Bowl would make any girl swoon. I am having a go at honestly stating my feelings--trying not to put judgement on them. It's a new place for me. Sometimes I dramatize it, to see if that feels authentic. Then, I understate it, oh, yes . . .that feels familiar. I rationalize it and make sure that no one unduly takes the blame . . .and of course, like any good theological student would do, look up the meaning, interpretation, origin, and significance of said feeling, all doing that while trying very hard not to FEEL. To look at it directly, that's pretty damn hard. It's easier to just change churches, change jobs, adopt a new labor intensive hobby, rescue one more dithering conference. It's actually easier to write on this blog, than to do my therapy homework, which is to journal about the losses in my life, disenfranchised grief, feeling invisible, feeling faceless, and obviously, feeling sadness. Wish me luck. The doctor says it works, and that's all I have to go on for now.

Alot of insight for MK parents like us.
Thank you all.
We want to re-do life and we can't.
I'm sitting here actually seeing some of the good-byes our kids had to say.
But with more understanding than I had then.
I don't know how "ok" they are way down deep.
I treasure the relationships we have with them now.
Thank you for your courage to express yourselves. It helps.
What I've read today to catch up………
And seeing the same pattern we have seen in ntm repeated in other instances as reported here--
Ugh! It's sick!
How can anyone care about a reputation that is no longer a reputation?
We do care about the things you have to say and that's why we are still here.
It doesn't get easier and we have not seen the results we long for: Justice and healing.
But the courage we have seen here (real names or beloved pen names) is outstanding.
Whether you post or just read or tell your story or can't yet..
We stand behind you all.
Wait! Healing? Yes, we have seen some.
And 'some' is a big thing in this case.

You have a right to speak and you do here.
YAY!
And you do help----us and others.
Thanks……...

Why are you apologising? I don't fit into any tidy little Christian Happy Box and you have been a good friend to this old alcoholic who has wandered far off the straight and narrow. Most of NTM don't even remember the kid who just went home and dropped off the radar. The ones that do remember me, would rather forget me, because to them I'm a failure of the system.
That's the whole problem of NTM cult think, if you are no longer any use, i.e. you don't Give, Pray or Go, you just get dropped, because you are no longer useful. And that is a really selfish arrogant way to treat other people, it is no way Christian!!!!!!!!!! It also means that there are a lot of MKs wandering around with their loads of guilt, because they feel they haven't lived up to some unrealistic expectation.
This was a hard lesson to learn after being an NTM MK, that we were not part of the chosen few, who were entitled to have others cater to our every want, because we were doing such important work. I think many MKs couldn't cope with the fact that they were just like any other kid, after years of being told that they were part of the chosen few, then throw in all the abuse and it was a recipe for disaster.
Stating our feelings is good, being listened to is great and being accepted even though we have wandered far is the best thing.

Thanks, Aussie!

What is crazy is how I prided myself on being emotionally intelligent. I've worked my whole career in human services. When I was with MKs, much of the sadness was hidden out of sheer relief at being with kids who understood, who had parents crazier than mine. At Bible college, where I instantly got a boyfriend to feel safe and loved, any sadness was blamed on the boyfriend. And on and on . . .anxiety so high in nursing school I went on Paxil. It was much cheaper and easier to medicate than to find out what was at the heart of the generalized anxiety disorder. For awhile I went to a very contemporary charismatic church--the almost acceptance was nice. And there was that hope that if these people felt better by "being washed in the stream", "falling into the glory" . . .it might happen to me. Unfortunately my brain kicked back in, and my cynic mind makes going to church feel like a scissoring of my soul.

All of that busyness hid my emotional blunting. Now I'm working in therapy to be able to state a feeling without a "but" a justification, or a put-down of myself with it. One of the activities is to deliberately listen to emotionally evocative music, that produces a specific emotional response in you . . .something that opens your soul. And just stay there with that music. It's been interesting to talk with other people about what song does it for them . . . So far my big "hits" are "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" and the Les Miserable soundtrack.

And Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here." Thank you all for reading and commenting. It gives me a reason to stay here. That you feel this might be helpful to someone else? Hard to believe that I would also love to hear some of the music opens your soul. I haven't learned how to be angry yet without hating myself. I might have to go there next. . .