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Silent No More!
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Author:  That Girl [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Silent No More!

It was suggested to me that I try to journal the events from the dorm. Not with the intent of reliving that nightmare, but to help me realize what it was that I felt at the time, help me to realize how it has affected me then and over the years so that I can truly, completely heal. Help me to sort it out, so that I could take steps, baby steps if necessary, towards TRUE healing. My first thought was, why in the name of St Pete would I want to journal and relive that?! And the few times I've attempted it, I realized why I had never done it before now - because it is much easier to look back at that time as though it were happening to someone else...a third party observation. That way I didn't have to feel, didn't have to relive the nightmare, didn't have to get in touch with my feelings...by being a third party observer, I could pity "that girl" who was being abused. I could get angry at the abuser and not have to worry about him knowing it. Being a third party was... safe...it was distant and...it wasn't real...and it wasn't healing. And only recently I realized one more benefit to journaling - it would go AGAINST the very thing he asked me to do...see, we were sitting in his dorm office - the window was open, the doors were open - it all looked very "normal"... nothing to really be given a second thought. But, you couldn't hear him talking unless you were almost on his lap. He was telling me that if I needed to talk, or if I needed to sort out of any of "those very normal feelings you may be having, don't write about them. Come talk to me. If I'm busy, slip me a note under my desk calendar and I'll make time for you." ....I feel stupid, but I fell for that... I was confused and certainly not at all sure about what the heck it was I was feeling, and if those feelings were "normal", why didn't any of the other girls seem to be having them?... I don't remember what the note said but I do remember he made time for me - at night, after lights out. Let me just say, that was the LAST time I did that. And like my promise of silence, I never wrote....and that was hard, because I found out early that my best communication tool is the written word. All of this to say, I wonder now, as I make yet another attempt at journaling, if somehow that promise to never write is creeping up in the back of my consciousness and because I hold promises to such a high standard, it has contributed to me keeping my distance...I have made a decision. I AM going to write. It will be (and please forgive my language) hell going through that nightmare and I have no doubts that a few curse words will slip through, but like that promise to not talk about it, this promise to never write about it - I WILL NOT BE UNDER HIS CONTROL!!! And I have something now that I never had then (at least, I didn't know I had then) - I have the support and love of friends and family and Loved One.
To those victims who are still unsure of whether or not to come forward....This is definitely NOT a battle we must fight alone. You have only to reach out your hand and we are here - for you, for each other, to lean on at any time, to cry with and yes, I believe, even be angry together. Together we can help each other. And with God's loving arms around us, we will heal and be complete.

Thanks for listening,
That Girl

Author:  another MK [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

WOW, that girl! My hat is off to you and I'm on my knees, begging protection and grace for you as you journey back through a horrible time. You are brave. You are doing an amazing thing. and I am so thankful you have support surrounding you. Know that you have tons of support through this forum as well as through the people that surround you.

Author:  mahalko [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

You amaze me! Wow is right! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! You are so brave! You are Loved and your words are believed! I am praying for your safe passage back in time, and if the burden becomes too great LEAN ON ME! I am here for you.

Author:  XYZ [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

;) Atta girl! You have hundreds of supporters & a Savior rooting for you. Those times that you feel overwhelmed and ready to succumb to defeat, I hope you'll remember that you're not alone. Hoping that your voice encourages others to find theirs.

Author:  Raz [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

Wow, good thoughts! Yes, you are a very good writer, and maybe you have some insight now into why it's been hard for you to write or journal about those horrible years.
I hope your remembering, writing and processing is very helpful.
Hugs to you!!!

Author:  MK MINDA [ Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

Bless you That Girl! You have loads of support here, and prayers. Don't let this CREEP intimidate you. We are "more than conquerors through Christ." Yeah, and it is ok and healthy to be ANGRY about this together. Pedophiles are the lowest of the low to take advantage of an innocent child and, in my case, kept my lips sealed for 45 years.

Author:  Rochelle Drake [ Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

That Girl,
My heart is with you, my dear. Your bravery will bring healing and hope to countless shattered lives. Like everyone said, we are a team now, a family, forever united and we will hold you us you must journey this painful yet healing road. The written word had been my hope too, it is how I first found God to be my best friend - and the most amazing friend I could ever imagine. I will never forget, it was my junior year at Faith Academy in the back of the library and I just had a notebook and a pen and I began writing..."Dear God....." and the rest is history. Someday, I will go back to that very spot in the library and weep and spend time thanking Father that I finally poured my whole heart out to Him there, and knew I had found LIFE.

But something has happened to me and I have become calloused and hardened for two reasons
- the busyness of my life
- the disillusionment and anger that NTM did not do anything to console my family and all my friends who are affected - so in my spirit, I gave up I think.... on God.... kind of.....and man....

So thanks for helping me process this, and know I am on the healing road with you and PRAY and believe we can encourage SO many others to join us.
love,
Rochelle

Author:  Broken [ Sun Nov 07, 2010 7:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

down and out wrote:
I relate to the "that girl" concept..I too would fix on a particularly beautiful scene when my little body was being beaten and somehow escape the terrible pain of the present! May the Lord heal you and strengthen you...I don't know you, but I consider all mks to be my siblings! In speaking out, you are being a voice for the voiceless.



Down and Out -- my heart reaches out to you and feels your pain. I think perhaps we have similar experiences and I just want you to know that I'm so sad for you and hope you are able to find healing from all you suffered!

Author:  Gene Long [ Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

That Girl: I cannot express my disgust that you have been forced by New Tribes Mission to carry this burden yourself.

Had they not been derelict in their duty as decent human beings, this would have been taken care of years ago. Were they not so entrenched in their pride and privilege, they would be doing all they could to relieve you of the burden, even now. The evil represented by their callousness towards you and the other victims staggers the imagination.

Please know, however, that you are NOT alone. There are decent people, even decent unsaved people, who will stand with you for justice. There are brothers and sisters in Christ who will lift you up in prayer and put their hands to the plow to get things done besides meetings. Your courage has and will continue to serve as encouragement to other victims.

I am honored to share, in any small way that I can, your burden, and the burden of other victims. Thank you for giving us your trust, for speaking out against this horrible, hideous, revolting evil.

Yours,
gene long

Author:  MK MINDA [ Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Silent No More!

That Girl,
Thank you for being so brave. I am so grieved that such horrible things were committed against you. I pray daily for you and that NTM will co-operate! You have many listening ears and caring hearts on this forum :)

MK MINDA

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