MK forum

Has anyone started a conversation about the non-MK spouses and children of grown MKs? If so please direct me to it. Thanks.

If not, I would like to start one; I just don't want to repeat if it's already been done.

I think it's a really good thing, to start a thread for the spouses and children of MKs. I wish there were support groups for these dear ones who need help understanding what their MK spouse/parent is going through and what makes them what they are.

OK! But I would be writing as an MK with a non-MK spouse so it would be about rather than for in my case. I can't write anything more right now though. After all I have a spouse and children who keep me busy! So I will later or I'll comment/ join in if someone else takes this up before I can.

I feel nervous; just joining this website and creating a profile made me feel like I was hiding behind a glass door. I hope to remain anonymous, apparently like most of the others, but I don't expect it to last long.

I would like to find common ground with other grown MKs who have married and "moved on". I would like to find out, for sure, that I'm not alone in some of my twisted thinking.

My credentials: Born into NTM, sexually abused during mission training, sent to boarding school at 6yrs, sexually abused at school; all other abuse follows naturally from sexual abuse whether the following abuse is real or perceived. Enough of the credentials.

I thought maybe a list of statements and questions would be the easiest way to find out if others feel the same way: So, do you ever say or feel:

1) My spouse will leave me; (s)he can't possibly love me. Others who did love me left me.
2) My spouse has no idea who I really am.
3) I can never bridge the gulf between me and my spouse, (s)he can never really understand me and it's my fault.
4) Do you feel horrified at the thought of leaving your child in the church nursery?
5) Do you look at every person in two ways: (s)he is innocent and godly; (s)he is hiding a pedophelia bent and will molest my child while I'm away.
6)The idea of your child going to school terrifies you even though he comes home every single day.
7) Every time you discipline your child you feel that you have abused him, even though you have never bruised him or screamed at him.
8) Every time you hear a child cry you are wrenched with horrible fear and pain that the child is being beaten/molested.
9) If I could only forget everything in the past, good or bad, I could be the person my spouse needs me to be.
10) If my spouse could only know truly what it was like, I would feel more safe in my marriage.
11) I will pass all my insecurities to my children and they'll hate me just like I hated my parents.
12) My children are doomed because I just can't get it together.
13) My children deserve a different parent than me.
14) My spouse just doesn't care. (Even though (s)he listens endlessly and prays and offers to help in anyway (s)he can.)
15) You used to scoff at those who had a hard time sending their children to camp for one measly week; now you know you'd almost rather have your arm ripped off then let your child go away for one measly week.

Alright, that's what I meant when I asked if there was a conversation about nonMK spouses and children. I realize many of these questions could come from any spouse or parent with self-esteem issues, but we are MKs on this site---we might understand each other if more than one of us (me) has these thoughts and feelings. Just for the record, I'm not a basket case....but I was and I sometimes have relapses into basket casedness. It's been a long long road, one I try to get away from but keep coming back to.

I can totally identify with many of your points. I think for me, with abandonment issues and emotional and spiritual abuse issues, I have to work through so much in current relationships that is rooted in my past. The fear of having a deep relationship with others, lest they also leave me. The fear of building relationships because I can never be good enough for that person anyway, I can never measure up. The Fear that if anyone knows who I really am, they won't love me. The guilt that it's all my fault, everything that goes wrong is my fault. The incredible fear of being separated from my own children (for me that involved post traumatic shock). It's got to make it really hard on those we love, when we hold back and have our walls up.

A book I'm reading ("Boundaries") is challenging me to let go of the things I can never have. As I look at the issues I faced: the longing for safety and security as a child that I never had; the not knowing I was loved; extreme repeated trauma of being sent away from my parents at a very young age 3 times a year; being totally crushed emotionally; the constant fear of messing up; .... the list never ends. I will never have those good things I longed for in my childhood - I can't go back and change it, not can I ignore the pain. (I can have those things today, like love and security, if I let myself, but I can never have those things as a child in my formative years again). I have to lose those things, grieve them, and let go. Letting go of what I can never have.

I'm copying something I read last year on this website too:



Something "Dreamwords" posted last year:

"I grew up in PNG's boarding school in the 80's and we were SO good at putting up a wall that we really did even feel like we were happy most of the time, as long as the Wall of Protection was up. In the 80's, we could only converse with our parents through snail mail, which was REALLY snail mail, or through our weekly radio time - 5 minutes each child, I think - which was broadcast throughout all of PNG, for all of NTM to listen in on and hear.

Many of us were reminiscing recently about how we'd skip our weekly radio time, not because we didn't want to talk to our parents, but because our Wall was up, and so we didn't remember to walk up the hill to the tiny radio shack. Our mothers remember how sad they'd feel by the silent radio. But I was a child away from her parents. It was survival.

[color=#0000BF]I'm still good at keeping up the Wall. I have it up always. Everyone who I ever cared about in my life has left me, except my husband and our children, who I know will leave one day, as they should, for their own lives. I often don't think I love my husband as much as I should or could, because I cannot trust that he won't leave someday, too.

I'm still good at looking happy. Nobody would ever guess the lonely little girl is still inside me.[/color]"

ViaWings, my MK husband, has given me permission to post through his account since I am the Non-MK spouse.

There is so much to say and so little space and time. 16 years of being married to an MK is worth many books and long conversations. Our first date consisted of him showing me three large photo albums of Brazil. It was 2am before he finished talking about his family, friends, school, and the beautiful land of South America. For some reason, this hometown girl from the US found this endearing, fascinating and left me wanting to know more about this mysterious person in my midst. Although many years have passed since then, children born, sicknesses endured, loved ones lost, aging parents coming home, I am still enamored by my husband. This life that he led is so completely different from my own childhood and I never tire of hearing the good, the bad and the very ugly. I vowed to walk this path with him in all of life's circumstances and I have nothing to regret. As a non-MK I can never understand how life was lived on the mission-field. There are pieces that will elude me always. I do want to say, though, that my childhood, although in the US, was difficult, ugly and void of a Living Savior. As I have been there for my husband through struggles he has also been there for mine. And he isn't a continent away from his in-laws!

What I want to impart on this thread is that as a non-MK I do see the struggles, I do want to know more and I do cry with you as I read these horrible stories. Sometimes I cry because I can't imaging the challenges and the loneliness you all felt and sometimes I cry because this hits closer to home than I want to admit. But we are out there...those who care for MK's. Your voice does not fall on deaf ears in our home and my tears will continue to fall but I will also continue to stand up for you and pray for you.
With much love,
Wife of ViaWings

Thanks for sharing, ViaWings!

It hasn't quite been three days since I wrote the first post on this thread but it has been a tremendous help to me and my spouse. I thank each one that has posted; it is serving the purpose I hoped for.

I've tried to think through some points I want to make in order to be succinct yet clear. I really don't want to just rehash old grievances or repeat what has already been said on other threads (although there are just way too many to read, so repetition will probably be inevitable and THANK YOU Agast for reposting the one you did!) I would be so grateful if others will post what has helped them and their spouses or children. Does this make sense? I'm fighting for my marriage and children. No, I'm not about to lose them to divorce but marriages can become dead without actual divorce. Satan wishes to destroy marriage and, by God, my spouse and I refuse to let this happen. We know we must fight the roaring lion who seeks whom he can devour. I thank God my dear spouse walks with God and trusts Him; in this I am not alone.

Please, anyone who has perhaps direct examples and experiences (the picture album story is perfect) whether you are the MK spouse, nonMK married to an MK, MK married to an MK (double the trouble? , NTer with MK children married to nonMK etc, etc, will you consider sharing so that the light at the end of the tunnel will burn brighter?

Here are few more things that have crossed my mind to help this conversation:

(1)Has your well meaning spouse (with baggage of her/his own as mentioned by ViaWing's spouse) ever said to you: Why can't you just forget the past and start over new with our marriage and life? And how did you respond? It sounds reasonable after all.

I was horrified at the very thought of this. My identity is wrapped up in my MK experience. I wasn't sure what to say. I just stumbled trying to explain that forgetting the past would be like having a frontal lobotomy!

(2)When you as an abused person perceive that your spouse is purposefully hurting you, how do you respond? How do you separate the lie from the truth?

At this time, I respond in anger at the smallest perceived wrongs; I feel that I'm purposefully being run over because I'm not worth loving since I'm dirty and used and have been left before. I know in my head this is wrong, so I'm working to know this in my heart as well, but currently we have many hurtful arguments because I can't believe I'm truly loved or worth loving.

(3)How have you learned to guide and direct your children according to God's Word without constantly being afraid you are abusing them?

In this I rely on my parents who are not the same people they were when I was sent to boarding school; they have helped guide me. I also have read Dare to Discipline by Dobson. In addition I'm again grateful to my spouse who was disciplined properly when growing up and helps to balance my twisted outlook.


I will share some of my tactics for fighting the enemy. There are many things to share but I'm trying to keep this thread focused on marriage and children.

First, just as lies are repeated in my mind I need to repeat truth in my mind. It feels silly at first but I began repeating to myself "My spouse loves me and is not the enemy." I had to do it because the opposite was running repeatedly through my mind.

Second, a counselor (we attended for two sessions and I couldn't take any more but I came away with one gold nugget) told us that I was both pushing and pulling my spouse with my actions and attitudes. She said I was pushing away in anger at potentially being used, then pulling back in fear of being left. She said we were headed for divorce. Yes, she was very blunt! It scared me to death to hear her say that but she said I would eventually wear my spouse down until there was nothing left of patience and love. I began to evaluate my actions in that light from that day forward.

Third, I try to remember my spouse is human too; as ViaWings said, her past is not like mine, but it still had pain and sorrow that had to be overcome therefore I must remember that my spouse needs to be treated with love and gentleness just as I wish to be treated. In other words, It's not all about me and my dysfunction!

Long winded again. I will wait with great anticipation to see what others will share. I still hope to be anonymous but if you know who I am, please send me a PM. I certainly won't be angry; I would rather know I'm found out than go on thinking I'm not. You know--a true friend tells his friend when there's a booger hanging out!

MARS your list is the reason that I`m 56 yrs old and have never married. No I am not a homosexual.