Hello my dear Friends...I have been reading these posts for some time now, wishing I had the courage to join in the discussion. Thank you all for going first, for being so very brave. I am in awe of your courage!! Rochelle, one of my dearest childhood friends...thank you for what you have posted. You and I share common memories. Seeing them from your perspective has helped clear some of the fog in my own mind. Things I had written down years ago, but now 20 years later...foggy memories.
This is my experience. I joined the Emory Dorm at the age of 11 with my younger brother. I had an almost immediate wariness of Les, a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a warning. But I was a child, I didn't have a good reason not to like him, and I had been taught not to be disrespectful..."if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" I did not want to be left with this man, but I had no choice. If you asked my parents, they would also say they had no choice, that they were doing what they thought they were supposed to do. Now as a parent myself, I see they did in fact have a choice, but being marinated in a culture of submission, they did not question. I was blessed with good and godly parents, but their passivity in this issue has troubled me many times, and I know they also carry a burden of guilt over this. I wish I could take away their burden, and at the same time, I wish the adults who were supposed to protect all of us would have had the courage to stand for what was right, even against overwhelming pressure.
I developed at an early age, and I have since viewed this as the Lord's protection. Les did not rape me. I could have gotten pregnant and since he knew everything about us, he knew which girls to avoid. Rochelle, I think you and I have talked together about that! I do remember the feeling of not being liked by him. I so desperately wanted to be one of those favored girls...I wanted his approval. Why is it that I felt that way, even though I was terrified of him?!? I remember him being in my room late at night, waking up to him being above me in the darkness. I remember him walking unannounced into my room when I was dressing and refusing to leave as I tried my best to cover myself, ashamed because it must have been my fault somehow that he had to see me that way. I remember him dragging me down the hallway because I had been too sick to come to dinner. I remember inappropriate touches. Being wrapped in my towel in the bathroom with nowhere else to go...I remember him saying those very words you typed, Rochelle...I pity the man you marry. Now that I am divorcing my husband of 12 years because of his third affair...sometimes I struggle to remind myself that those words were a LIE. I remember him telling us how immodest we girls were, that we brought unwanted attention upon ourselves. (We were MKs...we didn't OWN immodest clothing, or have any desire to wear it!!) I remember specific demonic attacks that happened in the dorm. Nightmares I've battled since the day we left the Philippines, that continue to this day. I'm still afraid I will go around the corner one day and see him there. I battle the fear he will come find my children because I told someone about him. Most of all, I live with 20 years of knowing he is probably hurting someone else's children because noone is stopping him. I am afraid he will read this post and know who I am!
In the face of all those memories added to the painful stories that you my sisters and brothers have shared, I want to add that I still believe that God is good. That God loves us. That His heart was broken, shattered by the pain we have all experienced and continue to experience. The aftermath for me was an eating disorder, marrying unwisely, unhealthy boundaries in many relationships, distrust, nightmares, panic attacks, etc... But our God is a God who heals against all odds. And Heaven will be all the more glorious after all of this!! I praise Him for the healing He is bringing into my life, and pray for your hearts as well. I hope we can encourage one another. I want to do anything I can do to help bring Les to justice. I also want to do anything I can do to help you who will always be my family, to heal. I love you all! I miss you! Noone else quite understands...
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