MK forum

I like waffles

Sherpa, I know exactly what you're saying about folks in NTM pushing their kids to be in missions...and of course, with NTM. I know because I was raised with them. I am a missionary now but with another organization. Now our son is ready to "fly the coop" and we refuse to make him feel like he is second class if he doesn't choose to be a missionary or pastor. Hey, we wouldn't be on the field if we didn't have all the other "losers" supporting us..LOL Our son is interested in computer programming and we say, yes! Praise the Lord if that is God's will for him. As I see in Scripture ALL Christians are to be a witness WHEREVER God has placed them.

Wow, GREAT opportunity!

I too am no longer supportive of any type of corporal punishment that would cause actual physical pain to a child. Being the compliant performance-oriented man-pleaser that I was, I tried very hard to parent by the party line that was preached at us in NTM training. I have apologized repeatedly to our oldest son who was born during our training, for the harsh discipline we applied to his little bottom starting at a very young age. We got him pretty well programmed, I must say. A perfectly obedient, well-behaved little robot.

We grew more and more relaxed in our parenting to the point that when our youngest son was born 10 years later, we hardly spanked at all. Looking back, I see that far too much of our discipline was about wanting to look good as parents. It wasn't really about what was good for the child. How abhorrent that is to me now.

Now I have grandchildren who I love so much it hurts. And yes, I do see that little spirit of independence rising up, the little spark in their eye, the willful one-toe-over-the-line childish rebellion sometimes. I know that it isn't healthy for a child to be allowed to have their own way in every situation and to grow up thinking they are always in control and will never be told no about anything.

So there is a necessary balance there. Children do need to be taught to listen, and to obey authority. But for the right reasons.

So Grandma has a "quiet chair": my rocking chair in my bedroom. And Grandma talks to the little ones a lot. About Jesus, and how much he loves them. And that God has given them Mommies and Daddies and others who love them and are supposed to protect them, and teach them.

And of course the story about the little boy who learned to listen right away when his Daddy told him "Stop!" because that one day his Daddy could see the snake ahead on the trail and it was a good thing the little boy listened and stopped right when his Daddy told him to! haha! Love that story!

And I sure do love being a Grandma! I am doing LOTS of things differently this time around!

"Families Where Grace is in Place" Don't you love that title? That's another book by Jeff VanVonderen. It focuses on just the thing Raz brought up: not controlling your child's behavior in order to make yourself look good. It's packed with good stuff. Here's an example:

"A grace-full family is a place where people can do the job of learning to live without the fear of losing love and acceptance if the job gets too messy. In order to get good at anything, you need to practice. That includes the process of learning to live and the mistakes that occur. In grace-full relationships, mistakes are seen as learning opportunities. In curse-full relationships mistakes are seen as opportunities to feel bad about yourself."

The idea of curse-full realtionships comes from the consequences of the Curse - man and woman started trying to have control over each other, which then extends to parents trying to control their children.

This seems like as good a place as any to post this. These are some ideas that I came up with (and have already sent to NTM) in regards to boarding schools. (in no particular order)

- NTM should take effective measures to eliminate (or reduce to an absolute minimum) the need for boarding.

- NTM should not operate any schools exclusively. Where ever possible NTM should partner with other like-minded missions or organizations to operate schools or they should be operated by an independent organization.

- In the near term, any schools operated exclusively by NTM must have some outside people involved in the administration and oversight.

- All personnel (teachers, staff, and dorm parents) who are going to work at NTM (or any mission) schools must be specifically selected, screened and trained for those duties. If, in an emergency situation, someone else must be assigned to a school posotion for an interim period, it must never be against their wholehearted support. (In other words, no one should ever be forced to work in a school situation where they do not want to.)

- NTM, the children's education department, the field school, and field leadership should provide enthusiastic and effective support to families that chose alternative education choices for their own children.

- In all cases, all communications between children (boarding or not) and their parents must be considered strictly confidential, and should never be monitored by any school personnel.

- Every school should be evaluated on a regular basis (probably at least every two years) by an outside (not part of NTM) educator and counselor to assess the educational and emotional status of the students. These visits must be, to the maximum extent possible, unannounced to the schools.

- Schools should not be located in remote locations, and never completely isolated. If a school is located on a mission installation, there must be a substantial number of people there who are not involved directly in the school. Ideally, schools would be located near to a major population center.

- All students must have the right to spend time away from the school in a non-school related setting. The staff must take the steps necessary to facilitate this. (Note: this is to be a _right_ and not a privilege.)

- Schools (and all mission installations) must develop healthy and mutually beneficial ties with the surrounding community. This should reach far beyond evangelization.

- In a boarding situation, siblings must be given regular, unsupervised, time together. In fact, I think that the entire system of age based dorms should be re-evaluated. I would propose a model of "shared parenting", where dorm parents would take in all the children of 3-5 families rather than all the children of a certain age range.

Feel free to add, subtract, or modify as you see fit. While I am a boarding school survivor, I've never had my children away from home, so others may have much better ideas on some of these points. (I'll cross reference this post in the "Are boarding schools healthy?" thread.)

Great suggestions!

Recommendation #1: IF (big IF) boarding schools continue: separate living quarters for the girls and dorm parents (i.e., girls upstairs and dorm parents downstairs. RULE: under no circumstance is the dorm dad allowed upstairs (at any time, for any reason) Possible Exception to Rule: dorm dad allowed upstairs when girls are not present for maintenance purposes only, OR in cases of emergency. Enforcement of the Rule: communicate the rule to the children. video camera on the stair landing. ankle bracelet on the dorm dad that alarms when going upstairs. you get the idea.

Too extreme? Well, do you want to prevent abuse or not?

Rule #2: dorm dad does not hug or kiss dorm girls goodnight. dorm dad does not kiss a dorm girl for any reason. dorm dad does not hug a dorm girl for any reason (should there be any exceptions to this rule? etc. etc. Communicate this rule to the dorm kids.

Rule #3: dorm dad not allowed alone with a dorm girl at any time for any reason.

Recommendation #4: confidential hotline to report any abuse/breaking of the rules

Etc. Etc. AND, for God's sake, ask the children what the hell is going on in the dorms. What the hell is wrong with you people.

Thai MK: Male children were sexually abused, too.

Suggestion:

1. Close all schools untill furhter notice
2. Take a sabatical and deal with sin as the #1 priority of NTM
3. Publically acknowledge the breadth and scope of NTM's sin over decades and many countries
3. Completely change NTM leadership top down bottom up and middle out
4. Start over as a new vessel and use a new name and organizational structure, open enviroment and godly and humble attitude