MK forum

Such intense, powerful, moving writing. Please keep sharing!

From Raz, posted in another forum. I thought this was beautiful and helpful.

"For me, my spirit of unforgiveness was like a chain that kept me tethered to Les Emory, the man who molested my daughters. My need to see remorse and repentance from him, hear words of contrition and true apology from him, my desire for him to REALLY grasp the ways in which his sin had permanently wounded my daughters in ways that would completely alter who they were and who they would become, and my desire to witness him pay, and pay, and pay in the most excruciating ways for what he had done to us and to many, many other MKs and their families ... this need of mine kept me tied to him.

Forgiveness, for me, came when I severed that chain. I turned Les over to God. I let him go. I decided not to put my life on hold, waiting to see all those things I thought I needed to see from him. When I cut that tie, I felt like someone who'd been trying to swim the ocean with a putrifying dead body tied to me. I let go of that weight, and there I was ... I could feel the sand under my feet, and with great relief I splashed up out of the angry waters and up onto dry land. In the sunshine of God's amazing grace and love, my spirit opened back up and I found joy again.

That's the best way I know to describe it.

But I agree with all the above points in ... post. I do not in any way minimize the vile, evil sins Les Emory committed. I hurt unspeakably over every single thing he did to every single child. I believe with all my heart that he does need to be penalized for his heinous crimes, by being incarcerated without chance of pardon or parole, for every day of the rest of his pathetic life.

But I cut him loose and let him sink. I chose not to let myself be pulled down into the sea of depression, despair and unforgiveness. He wasn't worth it.

I chose life.

I hope that helps you understand just one story of forgiveness. My story."

Raz

I can relate to your story. My relationship with my Dad was not good growing up. Some of it my fault (honestly) some of it my Dad. I asked my Dad for forgiveness years ago and he forgave me but he never admitted to any wrong doing on his part. I struggled for many years waiting for some sort of an apology. I finally realized I may never see that apology and more importantly my Dad who needs Christ needs me to show him a love that supersedes the pain. So, I decided to set my desires, anger, hurt, etc...aside and to love him like Christ loved us while we were yet in our sin. Today, my relationship with my Dad is better than ever because I spent a ton of time with him taking him to this doctor and that doctor when I was last home. Those visits really helped get his health on fairly good track before I left the country. To my shock when I left for the field I cried realizing it could be the last time I ever see my Dad this side of eternity.

The dificult part is he is 92 with many health problems and he is an unbeliever. He could be gone tomorrow because at his age anything can happen in the blink of an eye. However, I believe my being in another part of the world serving the Lord speaks louder to him than any more words I could give him. Please understand I did not leave him alone because I come from a family of seven children. However, I do still talk regularly with my Dad which is something we did not use to do very much.

This does not really relate specifically to abuse but it does relate to how do you move forward when their realy isn't an honest apology and their is so much hurt. If you don't move forward the hurt can take of hold of your life in such a way that you live in bondage. That is not what God has for any one of us. I know my example is minimal in comparison to what many of you have suffered but I pray my story helps someone. I also realize I'm not expert but if you find yourself grappling with all of the hurt I would urge you to find help.

Great powerful words. Is this a song that a band wrote? My daughter is going through some tough times right now. However, nothing like you have ever experienced. Hope you don't mind but I copied and pasted it into an email and sent it off to her. I think it will be an huge encouragement to her.

nice writing d@o.

Really good words. Thanks for sharing that song. Hey, would you consider putting it on youtube so we can hear it? Or do you have a link to it? Music gets through to me like nothing else does sometimes.

I don’t want to share to make you mad, to make you take arms and take a stand
I don’t want to share to cause a stir, to make you to blame and demand revenge
I don’t need a call for NTM to take the shame, to feel my pain
I don’t need a call for those to apologize, who didn’t know and who weren’t even there!

I just want to share to have my story heard, To be understood, To see God’s grace despite the pain
I just want to share so that some of you who have felt this hurt, will know I’ve been there too.

Sent away when I was very young, to a boarding school, away from home
Living with strangers who were very strict, Yes, they tried to be kind, but I was terrified
Be brave, be strong, so your Dad and Mom can carry on God’s important work
You really need to be happy, try not to cry, so others too can know God’s grace

Afraid that I might do something wrong, that would bring unwanted punishment
Afraid I couldn’t live up to the requirements, life is so cruel, what if I break a rule?
Living in shame when I innocently messed up, trying to hide the evidence.
Doing stupid things to hide my shame, to cover up my embarrassment.

Learning how to be extremely good, so I never faced the chastisement
But one time when I was around thirteen years, I messed up big and paid the price
I told I friend I would make two pans of brownies, when I should have said one, so the dorm dad said
For that huge sin I would not escape, I would take the rap and not see grace

From that time on I was afraid to talk, panic attacks would not stand back
Learned to be quiet, not to speak, frightened I might say something weak
Trained to live with anxiety and fear, and with the moodiness of that same dorm dad
Where were my parents? Far away! Was there anyone to help bear the strain?

Only part of my story is stated here, but this part is something I have rarely told,
I just wanted it to go away, I only wanted to look back and see a life of cheer
I wanted to pretend nothing ever happened, I was strong and I was good
But that didn’t help with my constant distress, never knowing if I measured up.

Now I can just being to look back, to acknowledge the pain and hurtful things
Now I can experience that God’s grace is huge, is bigger than the appalling big man
I don’t have to fear what the big man will do if I make a mistake, I won’t feel the shame
God loves me so much, He knows my pain, and He has sent a tremendous rain

He sent the rain which brought relief, to heal my grief, to make the trembles freeze
He let me know He will never be ashamed of me, I don’t have to be crushed or afraid of Him
I don’t have to wonder if I’m good enough, For He has taken me and made me whole
I don’t have to worry about the big fat man, the chains are gone and I am who I am.

I don’t want to share to make you mad, to make you take arms and take a stand
I don’t want to share to cause a stir, to make you blame and demand revenge
I don’t need a call for NTM to take the shame, to feel my pain
I don’t need a call for those to apologize, who didn’t know and who weren’t even there!

Your songs are very powerful, Down and Out. Thank you for sharing.

And I'm terribly sad to hear of what happened to your daughters. In spite of, as you say, your very best efforts to protect them and keep them safe. Truly, evil is rampant in this world.

I long for eternity and a true haven from the storm.

D&O, I'm thankful for those who fought the legalism, so, I thank you. I was too busy trying to make everyone happy to fight the system or to even notice it was wrong. Thanks for sharing your story. It's terrible what happened to your daughters and I feel for you and them. I would buy your CD, if you send me a PM on how to order it.

A Place of Grace

A light-heart released
my sadness replaced
a winsome breeze
and whimsy
an ache for home
a love so deep
my heart is breaking;
the weight of my world
crumbles to its place
and like a child, passion beats
in every breath, my wide-eyed
world of wonder and place of quiet rest;
the tears that touched my eyes
have fallen to His hands,
and there I’ll leave them:
in that place of grace
where I see His face,
and in His embrace I sing;
and in His gaze of grace
I’ve found the place
where mercy flows…
where mercy flows to me...
a.a., 11.30.02