I don’t want to share to make you mad, to make you take arms and take a stand I don’t want to share to cause a stir, to make you to blame and demand revenge I don’t need a call for NTM to take the shame, to feel my pain I don’t need a call for those to apologize, who didn’t know and who weren’t even there!
I just want to share to have my story heard, To be understood, To see God’s grace despite the pain I just want to share so that some of you who have felt this hurt, will know I’ve been there too.
Sent away when I was very young, to a boarding school, away from home Living with strangers who were very strict, Yes, they tried to be kind, but I was terrified Be brave, be strong, so your Dad and Mom can carry on God’s important work You really need to be happy, try not to cry, so others too can know God’s grace
Afraid that I might do something wrong, that would bring unwanted punishment Afraid I couldn’t live up to the requirements, life is so cruel, what if I break a rule? Living in shame when I innocently messed up, trying to hide the evidence. Doing stupid things to hide my shame, to cover up my embarrassment.
Learning how to be extremely good, so I never faced the chastisement But one time when I was around thirteen years, I messed up big and paid the price I told I friend I would make two pans of brownies, when I should have said one, so the dorm dad said For that huge sin I would not escape, I would take the rap and not see grace
From that time on I was afraid to talk, panic attacks would not stand back Learned to be quiet, not to speak, frightened I might say something weak Trained to live with anxiety and fear, and with the moodiness of that same dorm dad Where were my parents? Far away! Was there anyone to help bear the strain?
Only part of my story is stated here, but this part is something I have rarely told, I just wanted it to go away, I only wanted to look back and see a life of cheer I wanted to pretend nothing ever happened, I was strong and I was good But that didn’t help with my constant distress, never knowing if I measured up.
Now I can just being to look back, to acknowledge the pain and hurtful things Now I can experience that God’s grace is huge, is bigger than the appalling big man I don’t have to fear what the big man will do if I make a mistake, I won’t feel the shame God loves me so much, He knows my pain, and He has sent a tremendous rain
He sent the rain which brought relief, to heal my grief, to make the trembles freeze He let me know He will never be ashamed of me, I don’t have to be crushed or afraid of Him I don’t have to wonder if I’m good enough, For He has taken me and made me whole I don’t have to worry about the big fat man, the chains are gone and I am who I am.
I don’t want to share to make you mad, to make you take arms and take a stand I don’t want to share to cause a stir, to make you blame and demand revenge I don’t need a call for NTM to take the shame, to feel my pain I don’t need a call for those to apologize, who didn’t know and who weren’t even there!
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