MK forum

http://www.mksafetynet.net/it_was_awful.htm

It was Awful ~ Poems by an alumnus of Bingham Academy, Ethiopia

It was just awful!
really, really awful while you were gone.

I wanted to talk with you so many times....
I wished you were around and I could hear your voice
I just wanted to be near to you....

It was just awful, really awful.

I did not want to go to sleep without kissing you good-night.
I did not want to go to bed without relaxing together with the family before bed.
It was awful....

I did not like waking up being scolded first thing
I did not like waking up having to go potty and I was not allowed
I did not like waking up to a face that did not smile at me
I did not like waking up so abruptly
I wanted your gentle wake-up

It was really awful...awful

I wanted to cry, but there was no one to comfort me
I wanted to cry, but there was no place to have tears
I wanted to cry, but no one heard me
I wanted you then

It was really, really awful

I did not like being forced to hurry with my supper
throw it up in my plate and be scolded
It was awful
I wanted you then

It was awful
and I could never tell you how awful it was

It was really awful
and I wanted you then.

Please do not let go of me again
Please do not send me back there
Please don't ever leave me again like that
Please it was too awful for me

There was nowhere to go with the awful
It was so awful that I went to sleep
It was awful
It was really, really awful

by Marion Entz Harris, June 11, 2002
Marion grew up in Ethiopia attending Bingham Academy.

http://www.mksafetynet.net/desperate_poem.htm

Desperate to be Understood ~ Poems by an alumnus of Bingham Academy, Ethiopia

When the tears tumble down
And it burns inside
The presence of comfort
Speaks louder than words.

When the strength ebbs so low
That the world hobbles along
The presence of comfort
Speaks louder than words.

When the cries go unheard
And the insults are hurled
The presence of comfort
Speaks louder than words.

There is a certain desperation
That comes with those who think themselves 'strong'...
Their concern is about 'right'
Not so much my heart.
The concern is to not go to the big feelings
Because they do not like miserable,
or hopeless despair
or terror
or anger
or grief
or shame/humiliation
themselves.

If they who are 'strong'
Cannot even go to those feelings
Because they are so difficult to feel,
Does this not have a point
That one who is indeed in the feelings
Might just be feeling really miserable?

But then I am chastized
Because I am feeling miserable.
Yet they can't go to the feeling,
Be glad to be with me
And help discover what is like me.

How come I am chastized
And scolded?

How come they do not hear
The repeated requests to listen
To someone who could help
Them be more understanding?

How come they are offended
That I want my 'mother'?

Just like Bingham.

Cry for home
Need comfort.
Get scolded, spanked
For having feelings.

The dorm supervisors and staff
Insulted and offended
Because I want my parents.
The staff are not the ones
I want or need.

They are offended.

Where is maturity
To say,
"Of course, you want your mommy!
I am not her. You needed her
Yesterday!!!

What is it you so
Like and miss about your mommy?
Let me see if we can't get your
Mommy!

In the meantime,
Let's be together
And see what you need.

Come. Let me rock you."
And the tears are mixed
From theirs with mine--
I can't tell whose are whose...

When the weak and wounded
Are the ones who are needing
To have patience
Because the community
Refuses to say,
"I don't know everything,
I may not be mature as I thot."
That speaks louder than words
About the heart of the community.

The presence of comfort
Speaks louder than words.

The presence of haughtiness/hostility
Speaks louder than words.

One brings life,
While the other kills.

May I please have some life?

Marion Entz Harris, February 7, 2000

Marion grew up in Ethiopia attending Bingham Academy.

http://www.mksafetynet.net/the_mk_song.htm
The MK Song ~ by a Baptist MK in Indonesia

Words and Music by Brent Ellison, Baptist MK to Indonesia Written to my Mission family, trying to come to peace with our past, which included a long history of a missionary sexually abusing many of my fellow MKs.

I see you through such cloudy glasses,
I'm not sure I really know who you are;
I remember you with deep emotion,
So many memories and some scars.

Some still have me blind with rage,
Some still melt me to tears;
Thoughts of you can fill me with such faith,
Or tie me up in childhood fears.

But you're a part of my story
I can't divorce or deny,
And whether or not I let you in today,
You'll always be a part of my life.

And if I want the Lord's forgiveness,
Then I must forgive you too;
And if I want to live in Grace,
I must extend Grace to you.

I used to see you through a child's eyes,
Part of a world too big to understand;
What seemed like threats to my security,
Were not always from your hands.

I'm so sorry that I blamed you,
For things beyond your control;
I want to see you clearly now,
And be at peace within my soul.

For you're a part of my story,
I never want to deny;
I find I want to let you in today,
And enjoy you once again as part of my life.

So let's celebrate God's goodness,
Leave our failures at the cross;
Once again, let love believe all things,
Let God's Grace cover the loss.

For we were all in his hands,
We were all in his love;
God was always on the throne,
We were all under the blood.

It was all in his plan,
He worked it out for our good;
And he's brought us through,
Just as he promised he would.

And as I come to accept my life,
God's forgiveness and his Grace;
I find I'm at peace with you today,
And I'm so glad to see
Once again,
Your lovely face.

Brent Ellison currently lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He is a songwriter and is in the process of recording his first CD in Nashville. Brent's CD should be released in the Fall of 2002. His E-mail address is javabrent@juno.com

Thanks for posting these, Agast.
It was hard to read them through my tears.

Down and Out- so very, very sad. Is that your own writing?

Sadly, it portrays very well what you and other MKs went through.

Down and out--such a good poem. Well done...so sad about the content though. Do you find that it helps when you write? I sure do and have written lots over the years.

"Ashes"
I can picture her standing in the
midst of the ashes of what her
life should have been
Everywhere she looks ashes
No where to go - no path to take
Just ashes!
She tries to climb over the
mounds but only sinks
Everywhere ashes
Her beautiful white dress is
covered - damaged beyond repair
Ashes in her mouth - her nose-
her hair
Hard to breathe - cannot breathe
HELP! She cries out but no
one hears
Ashes muffle her cry
Somehow she must get out - if
she doesn't she will surely die.

It is an awful thing for a child to understand death in such fullness. It was a long drink of desolation that went down and spread into my very bones.
Something had been stolen away in that moment. The eyes of my soul stirred not a flicker; not a breath of air came. In that moment I didn't recognize myself - I didn't look like myself but rather like an empty shell wandering around - a likeness of myself but not myself at all. My soul was gone, died, without a by-your-leave.
I understood too much and not enough in that moment, and what I knew hurt so deep inside of me I thought I'd physically die of it. For many years I might as well have. There wasn't even the faint hope of ever returning to innocence - nothing had survived. All that remained was a very deep, dark, black hole where my soul used to be.
I was alone. There was no one left to lead me out of the wilderness of my circumstances or the blight upon my soul. There was no one to love me back from the edge.
For years I was held captive by the grief of my soul's death. With every heartache and dissappointment the chains tightened around my heart.
I learned that tears do no good. Some pain is just too deep. Grief cannot be dissolved like rain washing dust off a roof. Sorrow knows no washing away, no easing...no end of time.
If I could go back now and change things so that I would not have lived through such a time of desolation, would I? NO! For God had His hand upon me before I knew who He was or even that He was.

For those who have never experienced sexual abuse, its hard to explain the depravity that takes place. The pain never goes away even when forgiveness takes place..."Let go and let God." I'm sorry if I offend anyone but I HATE that phrase. How can one let go of something one has no control over?? If I'm deprived of water and my body begins to die, would any of you stand in front of me with a thermos of water and say "Let go and let God"? That doesn't stop my body from dying. I NEED WATER!!! The same God who created our physical bodies created our spirits and souls. Would there be any difference?