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 Post subject: Re: Something
PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:07 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 3:08 am
Posts: 13
Denise, you are stronger than you ever were. Find your strength in your creator. See the bricks coming out as letting Him in to minister to your soul in new and fresh ways.


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 Post subject: Re: Something
PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2010 3:08 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jun 12, 2010 8:03 am
Posts: 128
Denise wrote:
I have this great wall, it is made of the strongest bricks. It circles around me and protects me from every side. I have spent years making it stronger and putting it in place, years hiding behind it. I have not written much on here or on the blog about what I actually went through growing up, not much at all. Every word that I have written is like a brick coming out of my wall. Now I feel as if there is a hole, it is small, but my wall is left weakened and not as strong. That hole is acting like a vacuum and is sucking out all of my air. I am having a hard time breathing knowing that my wall has been compromised, I drive in my car to drop my son off at school and all of the sudden will feel my heart starting to race. It is my panic attacks coming back to haunt me. My first response is to grab more bricks and shove them in the holes, to hide under my covers and pretend it all was just a dream and pray that it goes away. I make myself leave the bricks on the floor and leave the hole open, but I feel so exposed in doing so. Anyone else feeling like this, or am I all alone?


You are not alone in this. Currently I am torn between feeling everything (which is more than exhausting in all ways, causes me to be physically sick, lose sleep, and not eat) or just be numb. These days I am choosing numb. It's safer, and allows me to simply function in life.
A thought - once the bricks have been taken out, they cannot be put back. You could fill that empty space with something else, but the bricks won't fit back into where they came from. What are we filling the empty spaces with?
... that is a scary question for myself to consider...


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 Post subject: Re: Something
PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:58 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:07 am
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use to pray to be numb now I am only mad cause all the stupidity!!! :evil: ntm doesn't live my life or they would be nicer be more thoughtful. even many here turn on one another cause the old ntm practices. makes me sick cause I wait for me to be put in the cold again forgotten. none here see honest help handed to them cause our trust was crushed!! :cry:


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 Post subject: Re: Something
PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:59 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:47 pm
Posts: 142
Sooo sorry to see you hurting and feeling the pain caused by to you........NTM is playing with fire if they do not make the abuse of the innocent children number one priority. The God who sees and hears has seen and heard your cry and He is the righteous Judge. Praying for you and all the others on the Fanda site and others who were abused......


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 Post subject: Re: Something
PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:06 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:28 am
Posts: 103
Bonnie wrote:
Tuti, I think for me it wasn't so much a defense mechanism as it was another sort of denial... I mean, not denying what happened, but denying what happened to me.... does that make sense?

Sorry Bonnie does not make sense to me but that's OK, it helped you right! I guess that's what is important. I pray that God will overwhelm you with His beautiful grace. You are precious in His sight, a shining jewel that he delights to show off.
My kids are Gods gift of grace to me. They have taught me so much.


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