News flash from Planet NTM:
Our intrepid reporter has just checked in from his post outside the NTM Headquarters on the banks of the lovely Saint Johns River. Here is his report.
At a hastily called news conference today, NTM's spokesperson announced that several members of the Executive Board had been injured by undotted i's falling through the cracks in their policy.
"Among a whole lot of other things, these undotted i's have added greatly to the need for further review of our policy," said the spokesperson. "They seem to have caused a general uproar, unlike anything we've had since, well... oh, since last week, when there was also an uproar."
When asked about whether or not the latest fine missionary to be accused of having his hand in the cookie jar, so to speak, would finally be dismissed, NTM's spokesperson said, "I'm not quite sure who the latest one is. There have been so many."
Further impudent questions from the ungodly press finally persuaded the NTM spokesperson to maintain that NTM only follows best practices, their own policy and the Bible. "Mostly," he said. "Unless it slips through the cracks. 'Specially the Bible."
Questions were also raised about retired missionaries who might have stolen a few cookies "undetected," but have been happily retired, munching on cakes from their retirement parties. "Let them eat cake," he said. "Or, as we say around here, 'That's the way the cookie crumbles.'"
Firmly maintaining that NTM wasn't really clear on how to handle stolen cookies prior to their 1997 Grace Restoration, he promised change at some unspecified time in the future, probably during the Millennium. "Unless we still have our current House Counsel. In that case, it's up for grabs. The cookies, I mean. LOL" he said in an aside, letting a few more things slip through the cracks. Referencing the more recent Grace Repression movement, NTM's spokesperson said that, once they get the cookies crumbs off the floor, all instances of stealing cookies will be speedily dealt with. "No more parties," he promised.
"It's the least we can do," he remarked. "And we always do the least we can do. We are NTM."
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