MK forum

Thanks to all of you for the thoughts. You have helped me a lot in coming to terms with some things and to not hide behind "not wanting to hurt others".

And, regarding "Another thing is this--what if we are concerned for that person's mental health--and they are 5 states away? I have no more vacation time this year left . . .they've been suicidal in the past --- to get the ball rolling, but then to only provide a forum as support seems scary." - I'm so sorry. Your friend needs more support near him/her. I wish I could help, but I will pray for someone nearby to help.

Kari wrote some things about this on the "About" page:

"First, it’s hugely on my heart the need to express that this blog is not borne out of vindictiveness or a need for revenge. It breaks my heart to think of the people who will be hurt by this information being exposed. Those who hurt me by their inaction and silence. Those who called me a liar. Even those who abused me. My heart aches for you.

I guess the question is, do we want to know the truth at any cost? Or is it our responsibility as MKs to bear the pain and the shame of this, alone? We have been doing that for 20 years. I know many of us willingly would sacrifice ourselves for our parents, and many of us have done so our entire lives. At Fanda we were trained to take care of our parents emotionally from an early age, to not tell them things at boarding school were horrifically bad since it would pull them away from the Lord’s work. Combine that with a child’s natural desire for their parent to be the strong one and the moral compass and you have a perfect recipe for denial. I think we could go on living in that half-life until we grow old. But if we face the truth now and find healing, then a real, full and vibrant life is waiting for all of us, we the MK’s and our parents. God’s redemptive power and forgiveness and grace is flooding out to all of us. I pray that we all reach out and grasp it.

What happened at Fanda is not our shame to bear, and what good comes of keeping things buried? The silence and secrecy only ensures the victims feel dirty and shameful, while it covers the perpetrators. That and that alone is our motive for bringing this to the light. "

I think Kari makes a really good point. We MKs are so used to bearing the shame and hiding it and protecting everyone from it. We feel guilty bringing things up because it does hurt others and it is embarrassing (as broken said on another discussion). I am getting pressure from friends because their parents/relatives may be hurt by old cases being investigated. I do care for those people too. What a mess.

As Verily said earlier on this discussion: "and i think it's often arrogant to think that we know best what will ultimately end up being hurtful for someone else." A good challenge to not play God and think we know what is best for someone else.

I struggle with this one. I was severely beaten by a dorm parent. He was and still is idolized by so many others. I regularly see posts (in our former PNG forum, on FB, etc.) that say, "You were such awesome dorm parents!" and I start to wonder if I'm wrong to think not.

Can people change that much?

Dreamwords,

I'm glad you posted and I am sorry that you are facing this. I know it must be very disturbing for you, that you know what happened to you and yet others are saying what great dorm parents these people are!

You asked if people can change that much. I don't know. I know the person who was abusive to me growing up, in the form of raging, screaming, unpredictable "discipline" and nastiness and violent temper has mellowed significantly over the years to where this person is now pretty calm.

It doesn't help *me* and what I went through, though, and it doesn't mean it's now OK. I realized about a year ago that I was living in a state of PTSD. I cringed and flinched and got anxious whenever things around my house (with my children and husband) got loud, even if it was "happy" loud. I finally realized it was because as I grew up, "loud" meant mean, nasty and unpredictable.

The person who abused me growing up was looked at as a pretty nice guy by lots of people, including children my own age.

Anyway, all that to say, I hear you and I understand I think what you are asking. And it doesn't make it any better for you that this person is maybe now reformed. If you suffered abuse at this person's hands, it was wrong. And I pray the truth will come out and be dealt with as is needful in your situation.

I know what you mean, Dreamwords. One of the abusers I know of is like a hero in NTM, very much idolized. It makes you feel very bad to say anything wrong about that person. Don't doubt what you know is true. If you haven't yet, you might consider writing to GRACE about it.

@dreamworlds

Thanks for sharing that about your dormparent - it really resonated with me. I understand what you are going through. It's kind of the same scenario as the Penners at Fanda - people are polarized about them. Some remember them as the best dormparents ever and look on them as personal heroes and then at least 10 separate people reported them as being severely physically and emotionally abusive. I am one of the latter, but I guess I kind of understand how they can honestly be BOTH of those things, kind to the kids they liked and evil to the ones they didn't. We all have our personal story that shaped and molded us during the course of our lifetimes, and the same exact person can be either a hero or a villain in different stories, right?

The father of a Fanda student told me recently that his son was "hurt by the GRACE report because he loved Penners so much." And my response in a nutshell was "so what?" (I said it kinder than that, of course) But how does that make sense - because you remember them fondly I should keep my own horrific memories of them stuffed inside? Your experience was more legitimate than mine? Just because some people may have had great experiences with someone does not in any way negate the experiences of those of us who were abused by the exact same person. And vice versa, really...I don't discredit people who had good experiences with Penners, but I refuse to be intimidated into allowing their good experience to take away the legitimacy of my own genuinely terrible time under their rule in the dorm.

I agree with verily. I am in the same boat...those that abused me did not abuse every kid. Therefore many kids have great memories of those people but unfortunately I do not. My experiences are just as real as those MKs who experienced good memories. My very first best friend's dad was one of my abusers. I have recently been in contact with her via FB. She mentioned to me that someone had told her that I wrote an article on the abuse I suffered while at boarding school...she was sorry that she hadn't been able to read it. Boy did that throw me for a loop at first. Wow!!! What would I say to her. At this time I just let it go. She idolizes her father and rightly so because she was not abused by him. And I am not prepared at this time to deal with her hurt and anger...I just don't have the energy. But should she find out about it and confront me; then I pray that God gives me the grace to deal with it effectively and keeps me strong. I don't deny any of those MKs their happy experiences as I hope that they do not deny my painful ones. When I read anything positive about my abuser on FB or wherever, I simply thank God that MK didn't suffer as I did and hope that when they hear my story they are thankful too. After all I know of one person that I think of as a real godly man who really spoke love into my life and yet I have heard of one case of someone abused by that person. Yes it hurt terribly bad when I heard but I will never say it did not happen. Its something that I am still working through.

Agast said, "One of the abusers I know of is like a hero in NTM, very much idolized. It makes you feel very bad to say anything wrong about that person. Don't doubt what you know is true."

It would behoove all of us to RIGHT NOW write down everything we remember. Your own story is what's important. You have your own memories that are the truth of what YOU experienced. Go to http://www.mksafetynet.net/
'Our Readers Weigh In' to read a poem about knowing what you know as the truth.

We only feel bad because they raised us on platefuls of guilt (and disgusting waxy margarine out of a can). Don't let them rule over you now. We are adults.