MK forum

*with apologies to those girls who suffered at the hands of pedophiles. This is not directed at you.

As I’ve been reading, I’ve felt a rage growing inside. It’s the kind of anger that makes your vision blur and your heart race. It’s the kind of anger I’ve learned to suppress over the years with certain strategies and a particular persona. I’m not angry for you; I’m not angry with you. I’m angry at you. You see, from almost the moment I stepped on “The Land”, I was branded with a big, nasty target on my head. For things that I had no control over. And then I was bullied. Over and over again. By four, five, six of you at a time. Every day, it seemed, for years. Oh sure, nothing physical, but the words sting to this day.

I thought I was “over it”, thought I had “moved on”. But my strategies and persona have given way to understanding as I’ve read this forum.

I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree. Just remember, for every moment of holy pontificating or lost privilege that you’re pissy over, there’s someone who’s pissed at you. The abused became the abusers pretty quick, so take a look in the mirror; monsters do hide well.

I already know how this is going to go down from here, so I’ll save you the trouble and leave of my own accord. I have just as much need of you as you have for me, anyway.

Would you mind filling us in on what the h... you are talking about?

Sounds like someone hurting to me.

I don't know that I can totally empathize with "Sitting", but I can say that from my own experience, there was pervasive picking on some people who attended Via. If you were not part of the "in crowd", you were picked on. Whether the picking was blatant or subtle . . .it still stung. With the exception of a few times (and a few people), I myself, never felt totally accepted there either. I was belittled. I was ostracized. I might even have been discriminated against, though at the time I thought it was merely because I was not "cool enough". So, I know the feeling well.

However, I have shared in the healing that has come when mutually hurt and fractured hearts come together as the result of this and other fora here on this site. I hope "Sitting" doesn't leave for good, but sticks around and, perhaps, experience a measure of healing with others who were scarred during their stay at Via. "Sitting's" point though is well taken: abused people can lash out in bitterness, and treat others abusively. People subjected to years of physical, emotional, and mental abuse can be stunted developmentally because of the abuse suffered and, can, therefore, often mirror some abusive tendencies towards others. At the very least, those who've suffered abuse have trouble relating well to others and their defensive coping mechanisms can often encompass some abusive tendencies.

Kari, I think you´re right, it´s someone who´s hurting, still smarting from hurts from the past.

Guys, think of it in this context - His name is sitting duck - he feels like he´s is or going to labeled as part of the problem - I think he´s scared. NTM (or any organization, for that matter) has a tendency of letting someone be the fall guy, maybe he´s been that before and he´s afraid he´s going to be that again. Sounds to me like he was someone who was in leadership, to some extent, at Via and got hurt with the can of worms he had to open over there. Via mates, remember how there seemed to be so many very angry adults - did you guys notice that? We were the kids, but the adults didn´t get along and hurt each other a lot too - I remember observing/hearing/watching/knowing (adults think kids are so dumb, sometimes). This sounds to me like a adult who was hurt over there. And taking away the abusive parts that we had to deal with at Via, we were no saints, I doubt anyone in this forum would claim that. I know in the girls dorm we could be catty, manipulative, gossipy, backbiters, judgmental, critical, cynical - ie - the things that normal adolescents are, hopefully things they can resist being when they´re trying to walk close to God, but we were a lot of that. Couple that with authoritative, oppressive leadership who is not above using manipulation themselves (and remember, leadership was NEVER encouraged to level with any of the students-when anyone did, they were reprimanded - I don´t want to name names here, but I can think of at least 3 instances) and there´s a good possibility for 2nd or 3rd level leadership to really get the worst end of the deal. Add on the fact that a good number of the staff were mk´s themselves, lifetime NTMers, no less, and didn´t get to vent at a forum and see justice done, etc. and you´ll bound to get at least a tiny pimple of bitterness. Stir all of that with this forum spoon, where, let´s face it, emotions run high and people throw up their words all over the place, and he´ll feel like lashing out a bit.

Note he did NOT say he was supporting the perpetrators of abuse, but he´s feeling defensive, most likely from guilt, and it´s quite possible it´s false guilt - again, something NTM deals well in.

And here´s something I suddenly realize I owe Via staff - an apology.

To those who did their best to give us a wrong concept of God, and especially to those who sexually abused my friends and colleagues, may God judge you according to your deeds. I realize that may seem weak to those in this forum who don´t believe in God, but it is not a joke to fall into the hand of an angry God, and he gets ANGRY when things are done against little ones and His children.

To those others, who, as human beings were struggling themselves with life, humanity and a sinful organization that failed them, I´m sorry, I apologize, perdão for failing you. I went to Via knowing God, not as well as I know Him now and not as well as I will know Him someday, but i did know Him. I´m sorry I didn´t show you more compassion, I´m sorry I went along with the crowd, sometimes, to be cool, I´m sorry I didn´t reach out when I had a chance. I´m sorry I didn´t decide to do the hard, right, thing sometimes. I´m sorry I didn´t stick up for those of you who were hurting when I saw you were being bullied by the higher-ups. Please forgive me.

So, sitting duck, this is an open forum, it says, "discuss whatever you want" up above, and if you need to say something more, please do. There are a lot of hurting people here, so join the crowd, it´s just getting cosy. IF you are trolling or trying something abusive, I doubt highly it´s going to work - I´ve seen what my fellow forumers have and if it´s nothing else, it´s brains. However, if you fit the description above, then please accept my apology, please forgive me, and come and talk some more. You finally have your chance to vent, to come clean to level - you don´t even have to name names. Give us a chance to know what was really going on.

abraço,
Sunshine

Hey, publius, thanks for what you posted, we were writing at the same time - BTW, I don´t know who you are, but that apology goes to you, too, if I was ever mean to you, perdão, please forgive me. Via had the abuse issues going vertical, but it was horizontal too, we had examples of how to be abusive, as well as our own sinful nature to follow.

rats, can´t edit - and I apologize for not reaching out or for not doing anything when/if I could have, that´s just as significant.