It is uphill all the way... no coasting along, no feeling of enjoying the views... hard work, so much pain, anguish, darkness... abandonment! rejection!
I am sure many of you know the feelings of looking in a mirror and only seeing a dark void.
"Is THAT me?"
Did I deserve all of this? Does God not love me like he loves the natives, the indigenous peoples 'The Mission' is out to save from HELL??? Maybe I did something really bad... maybe I "grieved the Holy Spirit". What if I unknowingly said something, did something or even thought something and now God has turned his back on me... I will never be 'good enough'. I will never reach the mark. Not if I believe what NTM said... I use that 'NTM' as a general classification for all the members of the organization that I came across you said and did things that made me really think that I was bad.
But, I was NOT bad. I was NOT any more the 'worst sinner' than the Apostle Paul - that one man that Christianity builds so much theology and tradition upon. I won't start on the misconceptions that NTM has on Paul's writings - someone else can do that, when the desire or need for it comes. One thing I must comment on is what Raz wrote of NTM not allowing women in leadership, of only having men at the helm - as if Paul really meant that generally. Why did he then send special greetings to women who served in the different churches? Why were there women named as leaders in his writings then... Just a quick thought...
I am grateful that God has shown me that I was NOT to blame. I did not ask for it. I did not have it coming to me. I have more memories - or parts of memories coming back to me, things that I will have to put on paper - things that make me wonder if there were not more abusers in our midst. Sorry guys if you thought that it is "enough already".
I do not want to remember more, but I know that I need to remember some things that have been locked away to come to the end of this...
I cannot get rid of the constant pain if I ignore the root of my pain...
God did love me back then, He does love me even now. Unlike NTM He has not forsaken me, forgotten me, pushed me aside or left me to cope on my own.
Yes, I do believe in God. More than most I would say... I have seen that my God, my faith in MY Saviour, has carried me thru the "valley of the shadow of death" more times than I can count.
I am alive because God willed it. There is more to this than meets the eye.
I am well-versed in Theology because God gave me a head for studies. I may not have all the answers yet but I will turn over each and every stone that comes in my way and understand more, gain more wisdom and thus I will make a HUGE difference... no matter what NTM thinks that they can do to me more than what they already have done... no matter what my family thinks they can say or do... no matter what my friends who hide their heads in the sand want me to do.
I may just have to throw the mountain into the sea... Now we are back to the Titanic and all Bemused... Should we throw all the lifevests overboard now or not???
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