MK forum

I am MKFalcon writing on behalf of my friend BrokenAngel. We grew up together and she has given me permission to share her story -- in the hopes of finding answers and to see if there are others out there who too remember what happened at Fredonia....

"Hi. I am not prepared to give my name or any identifying details about myself just yet, but I am confused and hurt and trying to make sense of my world. A very dear friend said maybe you can help. I really don’t know what I am even looking for…. Some validation? Someone to say that I’m not the only one? An ally, so that if I ever did come to a place in my healing where I was ready to take the next step, I’d have the resources to do so? I just don’t know.

I am a former MK. Most of our time has been spent stateside. I am too terrified to tell you the nature of my abuse, or give a timeframe or location (though if things progress in a safe, supportive way, I am not saying I will indefinitely withhold that information), but it was ongoing and severe. It happened from during the early '90's while I was living at Fredonia -- one of the Mission’s stateside training facilities. It was on the Mission property by someone affiliated with the mission. I have reason to believe my younger sister was involved as well. My family does not know. My sister and I have spoken briefly about it, but she and I have been estranged for several years.

I have spent my entire life running from this. Denying that it happened. Feeling dead and empty inside. Hating God for abandoning me (don’t worry; He and I are working out our differences). It has followed me into my adult life, crippling me, resulting in several sexual assaults even as an adult. I have been diagnosed with a couple trauma related disorders, have been hospitalized several times, struggle with self injury, and have made two major suicide attempts. I have children of my own now, and a little over a year ago I came to the end of my rope. I couldn’t see undamaged skin through the new cuts and old scars on my arms, but the cutting was the only thing keeping me from suicide. I knew, for my kids’ sake, that I HAD to stop running from myself. I found an absolutely amazing therapist through my mentor at church and, for the first time in my life, looked back.

This last year has been the hardest and the most rewarding of my life, and I stumbled onto this next step quiet by accident. By the grace of God, a friend from high school saw I was hurting and called me on it. I poured out my heart to her. I am plagued by all these questions, fears and doubts…. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the truth of what happened, but she presented me with a way to possibly get answers. How did my parents overlook it? What if these people are still out there, and will keep their promises to me if I talk? I know other children were involved, has anyone else come forward? And part of me desperately needs to know that they are gone forever.

I know you can answer none of these questions with the limited information I have given you. I guess I am hoping to hear from you before I go on, get a feel for who you are and what you do. Right now I feel like I am jumping on some sort of fashion wagon… adults reporting sexual crimes committed against them as children… seems to be the new fad. I hate being a part of this. I hate the stigma that comes with it. I feel vulnerable and exposed (despite hardly saying anything). I wish with all my heart that I could burry it forever and never have to look at its ugly face again…. but I’ve been told (and I believe it) that the only way to truly be free of it is by facing it, cleaning it all out, and handing it over to God. So that is the road I’m on. Again, I’m not 100% sure how writing on this forum will help, but I don’t suppose it would hurt to ask your thoughts on that.

Thank you for your time,

BrokenAngel

We are here. We hear you. You are not alone. We hear your pain that has been bottled up inside for so many years. Some of us bear the scars of abuse on our hearts others, like you, also bear the scars on our arms. Self injury, because it was the only thing left that we could control. It was the only time we could feel pain other than that of just being alive. We are with you. We will match your steps, so go as fast or as slow as you need to, because we will not leave you. Thank you for trusting us enough to even come forward with your story. I am sure that because of your step others will find their voices as well.

was at Fredonia in 1990 in the summer of 91 met with members of exec board with others to discuss our time at the boot camp....not surprised to read this. You are not alone in feeling hurt here you will find direction to help you to deal with your past and then to put it behind you...We stand together with you and pray that you may find healing
If you have been mistreated may those who who did this be bought to justice

Thank you, MKFalcon, for standing by me and encouraging me to find my voice. 

Thank you Gene Long, Denise and Limey for your responses. It really does help. It's unsettling and comforting at the same time to see that I am not the only one who fell victim to the false sense of safety that the environment of the mission seemed to produce in our parents. 

Limey, it is particularly unsettling to hear that you are not surprised by what I've said in light of having been at the Fredonia boot camp. I was there,  fighting for my life and my sanity in 90 and 91. It is validating that you are not surprised.... that something about your experience left you feeling that something wasn't right there. Thank you. 

I would love to see those responsible for this brought to justice but there are circumstances that make seeing that happen unlikely at best. God knows. And I am confident that even if I don't see it happen they will not go unpunished. Not that there is much comfort in that in this life....

Broken Angel-

God bless you for having the courage to speak up. I want to encourage you that you are not alone. I hope you will find this a safe place to share your story, when you are ready. In the meantime, please know we stand with you in support.

Hurt-n-Hopeful

Gene was right broken Angel, there is no stigma. We were not the ones in the wrong...You will find support beyond belief in the pages of these forums and a oneness with many, many from within the folds of NTM. Your's may be easier to prosecute because of it being Stateside. We wish you the best. As Gene also said, please don't be a stranger in sharing with GRACE when you feel ready. They are busy gathering information from a lot of us.

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome and encouragement.

I do want to tell my story. And all your encouragement has certainly helped me feel comfortable. But there is a part of me that is afraid of being recognized... NTM seems so big and far reaching, but in reality is a tight net network and there is a fear that this is the perfect place for the men who frightened me into silence all those years ago to be monitoring... Waiting to make good on their threats if I break that silence. Logically I know that I am safe now. Able to protect myself. But the fear, no matter how irrational and paranoid it is, feels very real.

I have read many of your stories here, though, and would like to applaud your courage. Not just in taking back your power and healing... but in seeking retribution, striving to make a difference.

Yes, prosecution would be made easier since this all happened in the US. Perhaps someday this will be an a possibility

Hurt yes, I was hurt but not abused. I was set upon regarding my weakness as a person so much that it affected me afterwards to this very day. Ok I came to boot camp with the idea that I was going to be equipped for the field. What happened were surprising and a shock the leaders looked at me for my negative attributes and boy did they do a good job. That left me and others feeling insecure in my Christian walk and what I had to offer for later service.

I was not alone, we lived in an atmosphere with an attitude of legalism and each day I would get up wondering if the Legal eye was going to pick on me or I would notice that where that eye had fallen upon some people had it bad they could not turn to the left or to the right without being dealt with.

I came to boot camp with an open heart and left with a broken one, I did not realize how impacted I was for many years afterwards. I’m so sorry that I did not stand up for the injustice that I saw and recognized. I have wondered.

Charles R. Swindoll : "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."

Today I have something to offer this world yes I have been knocked down but I’ve got back on my feet and learned my lesson. Like Swindoll its my attitude and I want to see the positive in the Christian walk regardless of NTM I’m a Christian and and God has given me a message of Grace to a world lost in self

Well said Limey.

I'm so sorry your experience with NTM left you feeling so insecure and beat down. But I am so glad to hear you've found your footing and have become more than what you could have under that legalism!