[quote=
Question to all: Suppose you hear that your abuser wanted to apologize to you. What would your feelings be? Would you care to hear the apology?[/quote]
Apologies seem to come with expectations in return - expecting that he/she be forgiven in return. Apologies should come with no strings attached (if the apology comes with strings attached, we can offer them free bungee jumps with no strings attached
). NO expectations of being forgiven, no asking for forgiveness, no making yourself the victim because you have apologized and have not been forgiven. Just admitting publicly what you did and how wrong it was. Acknowledging the destruction and pain your actions caused. I think every survivor is different as to whether they personally want to hear an apology or not.
Some interesting thoughts on this from another MK page:
“So my question is, would it help if you had heard an apology from the people that held so much control over you or us? Do you think that we would feel justified at all or would it just make you want to start screaming at them after all these years? Would it HELP to be able to scream at the abusers? OBVIOUSLY, for those that were more than just controlled by someone and were also physically and sexually abused that person SHOULD be sent to prison for what they've done! I'm just trying to figure out for the rest of us who just felt so much control what would make us finally be able to heal. Would you feel better if you saw that person sent to prison? I'm asking because I can see that you are still very affected by it all.”
“For me, I feel like I have to forgive that person over and over and over again. I sometimes feel like I've forgiven them but then a memory will creep up and I'll get all angry about it again and all the old feelings come up and I hate that that person can make me feel this way all these years later. So I try to forgive them again but do we really get true healing if we have not been asked to be forgiven? If they haven't come to us and apologized for what THEY did to us? Just wondering how you guys process all this.”
“Whether I can or can't forgive someone without being apologized to first, I think the organization and the abusers could help the healing process by validating the wrongs that were done, not asking for forgiveness (which they have no right to expect and sometimes that comes across as a demand), just admitting the truth that ' we were wrong" and apologizing. Admitting the harm they caused and defining what they did wrong. I think asking for forgiveness might cause some stone throwing. Victims just need to hear the truth.”
“I only care for one thing: that I never see him again, which includes that I don't want to hold a letter of apology in my hand from him. I want nothing to do with him. But I don't think I'm bitter when I say that! I just simply don't want anything to do with him. Nothing has to be added to that.”
“perhaps a heartfelt acknowledgement of wrongdoing would be meaningful.(pathetic whiny letters telling me to forgive them are not wanted or accepted). however, the important work in my heart of healing is being worked out with or without their involvement. the investigation is to lay it all out as fact and truth. that part is a must for me.”
“It is necessary to forgive but approaching the abuser is totally the victim's choice. Probably not the right thing to do as it makes the victim vulnerable again. Forgive and move on. The problem is then healing. This is for the victim's benefit. It often comes in layers and not all at once contrary to what we are often told in church groups.”
“…and the attitudes of the perps themselves i.e. they have a victim mentality. ___ is simply checking items off a list so ___ can say ___ have dealt with it and all should be forgiven. From my experience, this is exactly what a perp wants is a list of things to do. This is really a trap because after the list is checked off they can start claiming to be the victim. ”
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