MK forum

Raz, what you just wrote is beautiful, both validating and giving hope. Shadowspring, my heart is breaking for you, but there is no condemnation here. It takes a lot of courage to make the stand you are making and I respect that. I pray God will continue to give you the courage you need to be strong.
You may have already read this - "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud. Very helpful and gives support in making a stand to take care of yourself.

You know Raz, you bring up an interesting point. I also know of someone that was very abusive. That person was put on antidepressants and is a totally different person. The change is night and day

THANK YOU BONNIE!!!

We watch for your posts and just knowing...................that you are here!

We celebrated our 20th anniversary this year, my barely-holding-it together self and my non-MK husband. This is my wish list:
1). I wish that I had gotten more "together" myself before marrying. After living in a loving community of our Brazilian churches, and then living with my best gal pals in the dorm, I was totally unprepared for the loneliness of American life. Marriage seemed the only option . . .but a marriage to a little girl who never learned to say "no" to anyone, who was so scared of displeasing him, must have been a real challenge . . .
2). I wish that I had insisted on him traveling to Brazil with me before we got so entrenched (mired in concrete) with mortgages, cars, careers. It's so hard to explain stuff, and he barely looked at the pictures I took when I've done brief forays down south on my own. Brazil, Via, any of those words are just a slight hum of interest to him and are quickly succeeded by the bigger interests on the TV.
3). But look at it this way . . .he married into in-laws that constantly evaluate the spirituality of us (are they walking with the Lord? Are they praying before meals? It was , "what church are you attending?, then "oh, it's been that long, huh?" we receive birthday cards with sermonettes in them, improvement-type gifts for Christmas, and no acknowledgement of the life that we are living here as valuable. His in laws (my parents) made me say good-by to them on our wedding day, not knowing when I would see them again . . .why? Because the very important supporting churches want their missionaries on the field. Then the trips back and forth to the airports . . .when mom and dad come home, everything had to stop of our normal lives . . .then his wife was crying again, when they left again. So marrying into an MK family is not that much fun . . .
5). My wish? I had gone to therapy earlier then this . . .here's some of the things I've learned: it's better to talk openly about stuff and not assume that he's not interested. Just because he's not fascinated doesn't mean that he won't man up and listen. I've also learned that the position I was in as a female 3rd child of missionaries meant that a lot of basic needs were not met . . .and I was not allowed to think of it that way or I would be ungrateful for all that God has done for us. This in turn set me up to become a martyr in my adult life, not asking for what I needed, not feeling that I deserved anything, feeling that I had to give my life over to helping people to justify the fact that I didn't become a missionary, the only true calling . . .
6). I wish that we could have stayed in touch in a real way--remember all of those promises we made at graduation to keep in touch? We probably would have but were afraid that we would get judged for our spiritual life. Did you ever go back and look at those weird things we wrote in our year books to each other? Life verse, stay close to God, don't be tempted . . .like we had to put a spiritual phrase into every sentence to prove ourselves . . .I remember teaching Sunday school at age 13, having to be so careful to uphold the dignity of the missionaries, be loyal to the mission, talk to but don't associate with the Pentecostals, don't ever say anything favorable about Catholics.
7). Like Supporting, i've had to understand that my husband's childhood was not perfect either, and the interest that I want him to show in me, I need to be considerate and mindful of what made him into the person he is today.
8). I wish that some of you were around to help me finish this bottle of wine . . .it would be a terrible sin to waste it . . .

What a great post, Traevbru! I resonate with so much of it!
Cheers! clink!

T you left out God will never bless you unless you drink ntm`s coolaid.

In the midst of my confusion I lost my peace.

I looked behind me and I was trying to pull all these wagons. I wasn't doing very well. The Lord was behind all these wagons chuckling. I was not amused. God said "Jerry, where are you trying to pull all these wagons?" I said over here. He said, "Why?" I said because. I thougth they were going in the wrong direction. He said, "How ya doin?" I said, "Not good." and I lost my peace. He said, "Did you load the wagons?" I said, "No." He said, "How did the wagons get here?" I said, "I assume you had something to do with that." He said, "Do you remember my conversations with Job?" I said, "I thought I did and I remember You asking him where he was when You did several important things. Does this mean I have to go back and read Job?" He said, "I think your memory is correct, so no, you don't have to go back and read Job." Then I said, "Ok, I'll quit trying to pull all these wagons. God said, "Good, but you can pull this wagon." I looked in the wagon and it was empty. I said, "I don't know in which direction to pull it." God said, "I gave you an intellect, however small, so use that to direct you." So now I'm going to read Job.

Praying for you shadowspring. That you will have peace and get out of this damaging and dangerous relationship.

I'm very concerned for you Shadowspring. I understand wanting to stand by your man, but first you need to keep safe. Do you have an emergency suitcase, money and documents ready? You might need to get out of town for awhile. I totally understand how an MK can become abusive, and how that devastation would be just as bad as any terror movie. Try to hold yourself together for a little while longer. I do believe in the power of prayer and will be enlisting some angelic support on your behalf. My family was part of Berean Mission in Brazil, which then got swallowed by UFM, and then became Crossworld. What scares me is that while NTM had more people to become abusers, these little enclaves of missionaries that I saw were really isolated and there was no supervision at all. Crossworld does have a fund set up for helping with counseling costs if that is a problem. You may get some help from them. Don't really know. My therapist seems to be more traditional then yours have been and it is helping tremendously--right now I'm working on writing out a life story, scary as hell. Don't be afraid to tell God how disappointed you are--He can take it. Does your husband have any friends from those early years? Any of his family that you can trust? Take care, we are here for you.