MK forum

NTM Child, Kathy and Sherpa Dude, Great comments all. NTM Child, I think your story about the daughter is very appropriate to show the balance of forgiveness.

A list of things to do didn't come to mind as an appropriate evidence of repentence either kathy. On the other hand true repentence is recognized by the one wronged as being sincere or not. It will take a lot of convincing on the part of the offender and will take patience and time and above all a heartfelt desire for healing. This may take a lifetime. So be it. The attitude of repentence should be evident in the whole approach NTM takes. Humility is a paramount attitude that should be on display among others. The idea I beleive is that the offender must reach out (from the heart) to those who were offended and not the other way around.

Did anyone else watch the 2-hour Dateline NBC last night, about the two kids who survived a home invasion in Oklahoma? The double rape of the little girl, then the shooting of all four family members? The pastor father and his lovely, talented wife died there on the floor while the two wounded children miraculously lived.
The story of how the son spent years wrapped in emotional armor just trying to survive, then the events that finally cracked that shell and brought him to a place of forgiveness moved me very much. I found myself thinking the whole time about all of us here on Fanda Eagles, and how much we can relate to so many parts of that terrible story of survival ... survival, only to struggle and struggle for years ...
It was also interesting to me that the daughter has not walked the same road as the son. She has not come to one dramatic point of letting go and forgiving. She is honest enough to say that for her, there is a continuing process, of reliving the nightmare, then forgiving, then feeling it all over again, hurting, weeping, trying to forgive ....
I saw again how each of us travels a different journey, and how the Big A-hah Moment one person experiences may not apply to or help someone else.
And that is okay. I know God is alright with that, and we should be too.
The son has made a movie about their family's story (including the fact that the most idyllic years they spent together were in Brazil, as missionaries, when the children were small!!) called "Heaven's Rain". After seeing their story, I would very much like to watch the movie as well.

Excerpts from September 23, 2010 "The Baptist Messenger" article entitled:
"Heaven’s Rain": Forgiveness finally come
accessed at:
http://heavensrainmovie.com/pdf/baptistmessenger.pdf

A knock at the door is nothing unusual for a pastor. People in need of everything from driving directions to daily food somehow find their way to a pastor’s home. When a knock came on the evening of Oct. 15, 1979 at the home of Oklahoma City, Putnam City’s pastor, Richard Douglass, nothing out of the ordinary was apparent. Two men simply needed to use the phone. They were welcomed into the house and the Douglass family went about their business—until the sounds of a bullet being loaded into the chamber of a shotgun caused them to realize the unthinkable was about to happen.

Glenn Burton Ake (then 24) and Steven Keith Hatch (then 26) began a more than four-hour reign of terror in the lives of Richard (43), his wife Marilyn (36) and their children Brooks (16) and Leslie (12). Richard, Marilyn and Brooks were forced to the floor, bound hand and foot as Leslie was led upstairs and repeatedly raped as her family listened helplessly below. Even at 12, Leslie knew what was about to happen. After the violent rampage was over, she asked almost in a whimper if shcould go to the bathroom. They refused. There was little comfort for the little girl whose inner world would never be the same again.

She was finally tied up along with her family as all of them listened to a debate between the two men as to whether they would live or die. As Ake and Hatch ate the family’s dinner, the decision was made: they would die. One by one, they were shot. The couple’s wedding rings were taken and a total of $43 in cash. As they sped away, Brooks and Leslie—both severely wounded—drove to the home of a nearby doctor and collapsed.

Thirty years later, the story still stings. Oklahomans still recoil with horror as it stands as one of the most heinous crimes ever committed on state soil. The aftermath, however, few really remember—until now. A new motion picture, “Heaven’s Rain,” has been made chronicling the details of that night. And yet the film is more than a mere retelling of the story. Rather, it is the unveiling of the inner world of Brooks Douglass and his sister, Leslie, as they struggle to simply survive after experiencing intense emotional trauma.
...
Years have passed since Richard and Marilyn Douglass departed this life. The lives of their children have, in many ways, been a series of twists and turns leading up to this project where they courageously tell the story of their broken lives. The film’s real value is as a roadmap through suffering where trust and perseverance finally find their end in forgiveness as the key to peace in the midst of great sorrow. For Brooks Douglass and his sister, Leslie, heaven’s rain continues to fall.


--- --- ---
Heaven's Rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaGVio5yDEg

Brooks Douglass and his sister survived a home invasion in Okarche, Oklahoma 31 years ago when they were children. His parents did not. Heaven's Rain is a movie about the horrible event...

I just seen the interviews about this move on Dateline and I can't wait to see the movie. GOD did bless both Douglass children because they survived and the son,Brooks, went on to be a Senator and his sister,Leslie, a V.P at a middle school! I do not know these ppl but I know that YES, their parent's would be very PROUD of them.. I am

--- --- ---
HEAVENS RAIN is a feature film based on the true story of a mans lifelong quest to bring his parents killers to justice and the extraordinary turn his pursuit takes in the final moment.

The adjoining videos, Pt 1 and Pt 2, collects archival footage from over twenty years to give a small window into the heartbreaking and inspiring true story.

Heavens Rain Doc Pt1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov3YILgueWA

Heavens Rain Doc Pt2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oZqTHa2I_s

--- --- ---
Heaven's Rain Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df3cO3h7LO4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fUVQv-z4Is

Heaven's Rain Theatrical Trailer
The official theatrical trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbVmazoIm7M

--- --- ---
http://heavensrainmovie.com/media.php

Posted on the SIM Abuse Website

Thoughts on Forgiveness
This is an excerpt from the final report of the Independent Committee of Inquiry, Presbyterian Church (USA), printed in September 2002. The authors are Howard Beardslee, Lois Edmund, James Evinger, Nancy Poling, Geoffrey Stearns, and Carolyn Whitfield. This excerpt is used with permission. The ICI was charged with investigating reports of sexual abuse of MKs attending American Presbyterian Congo Mission between 1945 and 1978. You can read the full report here: Final Report of the Independent Committee of Inquiry.

Why can’t they all just forgive and forget?

As victims begin the long, painful road to healing, many among their friends and family urge them to “forgive and forget.” Why is this so important? For those who served as missionaries to the Congo, it may be related to their desire to hold on to fond memories of their years on the field. It may be because they don’t want to be reminded that a colleague they respected engaged in such destructive behaviour.

There is perhaps another reason. Often we call upon people to forgive and forget because we are uncomfortable with anger, particularly if it is directed at someone we care about. Or if we ourselves feel some responsibility. Anger, however, is an appropriate response to abuse. Some women the ICI interviewed have spent a lifetime coping with eating disorders, alcoholism, low self-esteem, and depression because a person they dearly loved and trusted sexually abused them. He betrayed them, and they are furious. The missionary community did not protect them, and they are furious. Their anger is appropriate. Sexual abuse is a traumatic blow to the God-given human dignity with which every person is born. In awakening to the abuse, anger and rage are a first step toward regaining that dignity and self-esteem. Anger is an important step toward healing.

Of course, a third reason why a Christian community would admonish victimes to forgive is because it is what Jesus taught. Believers, of course, cannot discount the biblical imperative. However, Christian advocates for the abused have been engaged in biblical study related to forgiveness. Many have concluded that while Jesus taught forgiveness, he also taught that we must confront evil and commit ourselves to justice, especially when the poor and vulnerable are concerned. Careful reading reveals, too, that on the cross Jesus did not directly forgive the people who were crucifying him; he left that up to God. “Father, forgive them,” he said.
An Old Testament story can further guide our understanding of forgiveness. At the end of the narrative about Joseph and his brothers, after Jacob’s death, Joseph meets with his brothers, who sold him into slavery. When they beseech him to forgive them, he does not say he will; rather he asks them, “Am I in place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me…I will provide for you and your little ones” (Gen. 50: 19-20). He made no statement of forgiveness or of love; rather he pledged not to let them starve.

Confession, too, is an important part of the Christian tradition. Confession precedes forgiveness. How does one forgive an abuser who never admitted wrong? How does one forgive a person who is no longer living? When there is no admittance of guilt or when a face-to-face encounter is not possible, the victim may have to reach a point of acceptance rather than forgiveness. Acceptance is not resignation. It implies a state of inner peace. Whether the end is forgiveness or acceptance, the journey is painful, tedious, and long.
When victims hear their parents, “aunts,” and “uncles” tell them they should forgive and forget, they may feel re-victimized. The request tells them that their “family” does not understand the trauma they have had to live with. Those who call for forgiving and forgetting are saying that they would feel more comfortable if the wrong done was covered up or if the victim would at least pretend it was forgotten. Hearing people they love tell them to forgive and forget can also add to victims’ feelings of guilt. If they are unable to forgive, then something must be wrong with them.

Those who work in the field of abuse speak of “cheap grace,” that is forgiveness that is offered too quickly and easily. Cheap grace is forgiveness that is extended even when there has been no remorse or compensation for the harm that was done. Cheap grace is phony reconciliation that would require victims to forget what happened to them, even when the scars of abuse are daily reminders.

Marie Fortune, a noted advocate for those who have been abused, speaks of forgiveness as “the last step.” A precondition for forgiveness, she says, is justice for the victim. This inquiry is a step toward justice, but only a step.

Working through the wounds of abuse is for many a lifetime endeavor, which means that arriving at the last step, “forgiveness,” may take years. Through therapy, accompanied by family and friends, victims take the long journey toward wholeness and a renewed relationship with God. At the same time family and friends pursue the causes of justice and restitution.

The pressure exerted on victims to “forgive and forget” is healthful neither for them nor for the church. Forgiveness can not be mandated; one who has suffered cannot simply be told to forgive.

Neither is it a theological rule to be followed; it is a gift. Forgiveness is a gift that comes as a part of the healing journey.

Also, please read Forgive and Forget: Preventing Healing and Protecting Abusers.

Here's how you can get to the above article:

http://childrenofsim.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/new-tribes-mission-lawsuit/


When I looked at one comment on the sidebar, it opened up a response box for me to use. Kind of disturbing---my name and email address were in there already. It said my email would not appear on my response. But I have never been on that site before! I did not register or sign it!

Is this alarming?

Google (which gmail is a part of) has a automatic field completion feature. It is not saved until you submit it, so no need to worry. Basically, if you are using Google on your own computer, it will "help you" by remembering your name, address, phone number to make your life easier if you needed to enter that information again using that browser.

I think other browsers have similar set-ups, but I couldn't tell you which ones do or don't. Maybe someone else can, though!

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/zhoag/2014 ... rgiveness/

I am copying this blog post, because it is not so much about Bob Jones University, or about rape, as it is about forgiveness. The word forgiveness comes up in conversations here on Fanda Eagles, and on Facebook, and often causes pain in the hearts of abuse survivors, because of a poor understanding of what forgiveness means, or how it can be offered, in situations like ours.

A couple of pointers, from my own perspective: Do not tell someone else they need to forgive. And do not assume that just because someone still speaks with great feeling about abuse in their past, that they are unforgiving.


Rape Culture, Bob Jones University, and the End of Forgiveness
June 20, 2014 By Zach Hoag

After spending the first half of my life in the church, I’ve come to the conclusion that evangelical culture is largely dysfunctional in its understanding of “forgiveness.”

And nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the recent report by Al Jazeera America on Bob Jones University.

BJU is fundamentalist to be sure, but their demonstrated approach to “forgiveness” is very common – perhaps even pervasive – in broader evangelical culture. And when abusive and harmful people are part of the equation, the results are especially egregious. I’ve experienced abuse from family/church authority. I’ve been counseled repeatedly by the church to “forgive” and “reconcile.” The results have always been disastrous, causing even greater destruction and harm.

A threat that often came from the church – and still painfully rings in my ears at times – is that to not “forgive” and “reconcile” with my abuser would mean the lifting of God’s blessing from my life. My calling would become invalid. My life would become worldly and meaningless.

At BJU, one of the counselors instructed a rape victim in the exact same way:

According to emails, Berg also advised Sarah to call her rapist and ask for forgiveness. Sarah said Berg told her that if she didn’t forgive, God wouldn’t be able to “use her.”

Note the convoluted nature of this “counsel”: the victim is to blame for not “forgiving” her abuser and thus she must both “forgive” her abuser for raping her (personally! by calling him on the phone!) AND ask for his “forgiveness” for not immediately “forgiving” him!

Of course, the result of this act of supposed double “forgiveness” did not result in anymore freedom or the rebooting of God’s call on this woman’s life. Instead:

…talking to her rapist didn’t make Sarah feel better.

“Picking up that phone that day and calling him was one of the most gut-wrenchingly hard things that I ever had to do,” she said. “It didn’t bring me closure. Instead, it was like sticking a knife inside me and twisting it harder.”

This is classic rape culture thinking wherein the victim (usually a woman) is far more blameworthy than her abuser (usually a man). The man is seen as having acted in a natural, albeit sinful, way, while the woman has clearly harbored internal motives, if not outward immodest dress or behavior, that are all wrong and likely brought on the sexual aggression. In a Christian context, she is also in sin if she fails to quickly “forgive” and “reconcile” after the fact. And any emotional pain she is feeling as a result of the trauma is likewise the result of sin within her:

BJU practices, preaches and instructs a version of Christian counseling that rejects “secular psychology.” In the school’s worldview, almost all mental problems – beyond the medical – are the result of sin. As explained in the 1996 book, “Becoming an Effective Christian Counselor,” “most people in mental hospitals are not sick; they are sinful.”

…the authors also make clear that being sexually assaulted is no excuse for the sinful feelings of discontentment, hate, fear, and especially, bitterness – unresolved anger that “in reality is rebellion and bitterness against God.”

More than even rape culture, this is a vast abusive paradigm around the ideology of “forgiveness,” the end of which is only increased trauma and pain for victims, creating the necessity for them to live in unhealthy, repressed, and self-destructive denial unless they leave the paradigm entirely (which often involves leaving a church/ministry/college). And it applies to all forms of harmful and abusive behavior that victimizes others, not only rape. It creates a theologized and institutionalized structure for the perpetuation of all manner of harm.

And this kind of “forgiveness” has to end.

Because it’s not real forgiveness at all.

Forgiveness is a function of love and justice – it does not stand in opposition to these things. Forgiveness works in concert with therapeutic processing and healing – not in opposition to those things. Forgiveness validates anger, fear, depression, and any other emotions/conditions the victim may experience on her path to wholeness – it does not oppose these experiences and demand denial.

Actively, authentic forgiveness is the releasing of bitterness. It is a one-way (not two-way)* process of giving the offender over to God and trusting God to do what is right, rather than seeking revenge or devolving into a dark kind of rage. It may even entail the prayerful desire for the offender’s well-being, that they would get the help they need to deal with their own issues and demons.

However, forgiveness can only function from a position of safety. To place oneself, or demand that others place themselves, in harms way by reconnecting with an abuser in order to “forgive” and “reconcile” is to deny the justice and love of God which stands in defense of victims and stands against the arrogant and abusive. The protection of the victim and the prosecution/discipline of the abuser are a baseline requirement before talk of forgiveness can even have meaning. Really, the “forgiveness” that demands placing victims in greater danger in order to accomplish an artificial transaction is a twisted perversion of the real thing. It is meant, not to heal the offended and release the offender and avoid the harmful downward cycle of revenge, but rather to maintain the systems of power that will perpetuate those cycles of abuse and violence and harm, because those systems of power have historically been very profitable for institutional leaders.
But the end of true forgiveness is not greater harm but greater healing. Period.

And that’s why this false “forgiveness” has to end.
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*I think that true reconciliation – which always involves forgiveness, but is more than just forgiveness – is a two-way process. This involves the offender/abuser genuinely repenting of wrongs, and seeking to make reparations for the damage they created. It still may never result in ongoing relationship. But it is a genuine transaction that may bring closure and healing. And in cases where there is sufficient safety from the perspective of the person wronged (generally in cases that did not involve serious abuse), there may be restored relationship.

That's a a really good article, Raz.
Thanks.