I am MKFalcon writing on behalf of my friend BrokenAngel. We grew up together and she has given me permission to share her story -- in the hopes of finding answers and to see if there are others out there who too remember what happened at Fredonia....
"Hi. I am not prepared to give my name or any identifying details about myself just yet, but I am confused and hurt and trying to make sense of my world. A very dear friend said maybe you can help. I really don’t know what I am even looking for…. Some validation? Someone to say that I’m not the only one? An ally, so that if I ever did come to a place in my healing where I was ready to take the next step, I’d have the resources to do so? I just don’t know.
I am a former MK. Most of our time has been spent stateside. I am too terrified to tell you the nature of my abuse, or give a timeframe or location (though if things progress in a safe, supportive way, I am not saying I will indefinitely withhold that information), but it was ongoing and severe. It happened from during the early '90's while I was living at Fredonia -- one of the Mission’s stateside training facilities. It was on the Mission property by someone affiliated with the mission. I have reason to believe my younger sister was involved as well. My family does not know. My sister and I have spoken briefly about it, but she and I have been estranged for several years.
I have spent my entire life running from this. Denying that it happened. Feeling dead and empty inside. Hating God for abandoning me (don’t worry; He and I are working out our differences). It has followed me into my adult life, crippling me, resulting in several sexual assaults even as an adult. I have been diagnosed with a couple trauma related disorders, have been hospitalized several times, struggle with self injury, and have made two major suicide attempts. I have children of my own now, and a little over a year ago I came to the end of my rope. I couldn’t see undamaged skin through the new cuts and old scars on my arms, but the cutting was the only thing keeping me from suicide. I knew, for my kids’ sake, that I HAD to stop running from myself. I found an absolutely amazing therapist through my mentor at church and, for the first time in my life, looked back.
This last year has been the hardest and the most rewarding of my life, and I stumbled onto this next step quiet by accident. By the grace of God, a friend from high school saw I was hurting and called me on it. I poured out my heart to her. I am plagued by all these questions, fears and doubts…. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the truth of what happened, but she presented me with a way to possibly get answers. How did my parents overlook it? What if these people are still out there, and will keep their promises to me if I talk? I know other children were involved, has anyone else come forward? And part of me desperately needs to know that they are gone forever.
I know you can answer none of these questions with the limited information I have given you. I guess I am hoping to hear from you before I go on, get a feel for who you are and what you do. Right now I feel like I am jumping on some sort of fashion wagon… adults reporting sexual crimes committed against them as children… seems to be the new fad. I hate being a part of this. I hate the stigma that comes with it. I feel vulnerable and exposed (despite hardly saying anything). I wish with all my heart that I could burry it forever and never have to look at its ugly face again…. but I’ve been told (and I believe it) that the only way to truly be free of it is by facing it, cleaning it all out, and handing it over to God. So that is the road I’m on. Again, I’m not 100% sure how writing on this forum will help, but I don’t suppose it would hurt to ask your thoughts on that.
Thank you for your time,
BrokenAngel
|
