MK forum

i think i feel this in a somewhat sense of what you are talking about. i feel it more that i, as a woman, cannot be open with even close friends on the 'nastiness' in my life or in what our family is facing. you are right, it does open you (generally speaking ) up to all sorts of misunderstandings and judgments. it is sad. i know people just want to 'make sense' of it and by trying to make sense of it, they compartmentalize and organize it in their minds in a way that matches up to their own experiences. and unfortunately, if you haven't been abused or been a loved one of someone abused, most often you really don't and can't get it.

i am thankful because if have 2 online friends that are very supportive. one is actually someone i met here!! how wonderful that God would know that ahead of time that i would need someone who has walked through it and would be able to provide comfort and encouragement and support for me!

even though i only found this out a month ago, i feel some external pressure that i should be 'over it' by now and just get on with my life. i think some of that is just how we perceive people will react to us and our situations. i read once somewhere that the average american believes it should only take from 3 weeks to 3 months to grieve and 'get over' the loss of a loved one. astounding. no one grieving people feel so alone. and we here all grieve. sometimes it feels easier to crawl into our protective shells and hope it just goes away.

"My point is that even after dealing with so much garbage, thanks ntm, the things that still linger are the fear of letting others get to know me, trust, and ability to work with authority."

My heart is heavy for you, rroym. Your sadness, and your longing for relationships that are elusive to you.

Given what you have posted about yourself and your fears, I think it's a great honor that you trusted US, your anonymous Forum Family, enough to be yourself, and share so deeply and transparently from your heart.

Thank you for trusting us enough to let us get to know you a little better.

I hope no one will come on here and preach at you. I know you've heard it all already.

Let's just sit here quietly and let our hearts touch one another. In unconditional love.

You know, I think we've all been subjected to isolation in various ways. However, it seems that for those who've attended NTM boarding schools, the indoctrinization, fear, sense of walking on eggshells, and downright distrust of authority pervaded our innermost selves.

When I attended an NTM boarding school, I made the mistake of liking the most popular girl in school, whose father happened to be on the board . . . . This promptly put me in the bulls-eye, and I felt the target on my back for the entire time I was there . . .eggshells were common-place for me. Talking about feelings was foreign, for revealing true thoughts came with grave consequences, either a "talk" with the board, or being expelled. I came close to being thrown out a couple of times . . .the reason: disrespect for authority, or something like that. To this day, my father still doesn't know what the reason was that prompted an emergency 600-mile bus trip to save my school year. So, the isolation . . .oh yeah, I had it in spades. However, I masked my fears in an naturally outgoing personality that enjoyed laughter, playing Trivial Pursuit, and sports. For me, the closest thing to Heaven was being picked for second half volleyball. Suffice it to say, I spent much time in purgatory . . . .

Quite apart from my "bulls-eye", I struggled with hearing loss in my right ear. This loss wasn't debilitating for I had learned to gloss over it, whether it be laughing off not hearing something, or getting the phrase wrong because I didn't quite hear it . . . . I became quite the faker . . .yet I was lonely.

The loneliness continued in college, where I suffered further hearing loss, thereby exacerbating my ache to relate, while struggling to hear. All my friends sat in the back rows, but my hearing precluded that, so I was the loner who sat in the front row. Still fearful of truly opening up, I could dazzle listeners with history facts and the lives of great men, but trembled at the thought of opening up my inner self. Heck, looking back, I didn't even know WHAT I was feeling half the time! When emotions are suppressed, fear is king, the result is a disjointed way of looking at the world of emotions inside. Outwardly I appeared a driven young man; inwardly, I had waves of emotions and feelings I could barely name, much less even control at times.

Perhaps the most insidious of all was the creeping fear that if I wasn't perfect, if I didn't excel, then I was unlovable. This "meritocracy of love", I've struggled with my whole life, but the time spent in a NTM boarding school sharpened it acutely. No God of grace, just one of judgment just waiting to hand out demerits or disapproval . . . .

It wasn't until I started reading John Eldredge's book, "Wild at Heart", a few years ago, that I started putting a name to many of the emotions I was feelign inside. Then, I read, Dr. Henry Cloud's book, "Boundaries", and realized that so many of mine had been violated, frankly, obliterated, and I had to reclaim whole chunks of myself. Finally, this website, where I've reconnected with many MK friends, and I found out I wasn't the only one. I wasn't weird. I wasn't alone.

Thanks for sharing Rroym. May you find the healing you so desperately desire from the Father Who so desperately loves you!! All of us walk the journey with you . . . .

Thanks Publius for sharing your journey with us. We can all identify with you in so many ways!

Is it possible that one can become co-dependent/an enabler toward a group of people -- say, a mission? -- in the same way that one can become an enabler toward an individual?

Can a person become guilty of trying to protect or shield an organization from shouldering the consequences of mistakes or poor decisions made in the past?

The chickens come home to roost. Do we let them come, or do we try shield people we care about from negative consequences?

Lots for me to ponder here ...

from Sherpa: " We still need to care and love but not in such a way that we enable toxic behavior..."

It's very tough.
But with the Lord's help, we can sort it out and do the right thing.

I would LOVE to have the poem. Never heard of it before.
Chose the name hoping to make some statements, but pretty much knowing we would be squished by the org. Which happened. But the good news is that there is basically no squishing among the posters. (Well, a few glitches ) But it has been a great experience being here.
No comments in answer to the question. We are in transition with no time right now.

You'll find me on a summer night,
admiring the fireflies in flight
but I am scratching constantly--
Mosquitoes always biting me.

Daylight will find the Honey Bee
cross pollinating, constantly.
Seems, sunset brings me misery--
Mosquitoes always biting me.

I'm awestruck with the setting sun,
God's portrait shared with everyone
but, with His wisdom, I can't see
Mosquitoes always biting me.

June Bugs will 'Splat' on my windshield;
My aggravation's unconcealed
but, what I hate most drastically--
Mosquitoes always biting me.

With twenty cans of insect spray,
I try to chase these bugs away
but, they're attacking viciously--
Mosquitoes always biting me.

So, now, I'm on my bended knees!
"Oh Doctor, won't you help me please?
These rashes are so plain to see--
Mosquitoes always biting me."

The doctor said my blood was sweet
and changed the foods I tend to eat.
I munch on pickles just to flee
Mosquitoes always biting me.

The doctor was a 'Quack' and 'Jerk'!
His stupid concept didn't work.
Now, Arctic bound, I will not see
Mosquitoes always biting me.

Thanks a bunch, Hebrews!
Also rroym for the pm.