MK forum

Hi there all my old online friends. I have been very busy with school, preparing to re-enter the workforce and make a living wage. I am progressing very well in my studies. Thank you in advance for all the good will I know you will soon post. You guys are great.

My husband is also making progress. Last Thanksgiving we took him to the ER over a half-hearted suicide attempt. This Thanksgiving, he only wept alone a few times, but otherwise had good relationships and a good experience of life that day. I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving that gets him, and neither does he. But life is getting better.

We stopped going to church a little over a year ago, and that has helped tremendously. The weekly shaming was only a prolonging of the childhood abuse, though neither I nor he realized it until we had been out for a year. He is still in therapy and taking his meds, and seems to be really getting better, as judged by my online tracking of "incidents" over the past three years.

The final test will be visiting his parents. If he can manage to not become abusive following a visit to dear old fundamentalist father, that would be a sign that he can think about ending therapy. We won't cross that bridge until February, and we may decide not to go then. We'll see.

In the meantime, I am learning to love my adult children where they are. My daughter is living with her boyfriend, smoking, and recently lost her potential commission to the Air Force and has to pay back $30k in scholarship money. She hasn't got a job yet. A part of me wants to berate her and shame her and ask her why she is "throwing her life away". A bigger part of me knows that my fundamentalist expectations of perfection and the constant strife in our family during her teens years is probably responsible for her low expectations for herself/depression. And a third part of me holds out hope that I am wrong on both counts, that she is just slow to get started on living with joy, and that maybe I should let her decide what to do with her life and affirm that she is on the right track.

Life is more confusing without black and white answers, but so much nicer. The black and white answers didn't work anyway.

So, for anyone who might care to know, things are good right now. And overall, compared to last year and the year before that and the year before THAT, much better. Peace and good will to all, SS

Yes, yes, yes!

My heart says yes to so many things!

I am very thankful to hear of your husband's progress. Not overnight, but then I think real progress rarely takes place that dramatically.

Yes to the weekly shaming in many/most churches which serves to prolong the abuse from a fundamentalist childhood. I am amazed I've actually found a church that doesn't do that to me. But the alternative, staying away from church, can be the right thing to do.

And wow, do I ever resonate with what you are going through with your daughter. Everything my daughter did at that age was like sandpaper to my soul. While there are no guarantees in this life, I can tell you that my own daughter is now very balanced and stable and has worked the same job for years and years. She has become one of my dearest friends. A true miracle, considering where we once were. Unconditional love and affirmation can be difficult to summon at that stage, but I don't believe you will ever regret it ... just pour on the love and the safety.

Thank you so much for checking in and sharing how you are all doing. Sending you love ...

Thank you shadowspring for the good news. So happy to hear the progress you all are making on this healing journey. God doesn`t run out of mercy, grace or time.

Raz, how is your husband recovering? We haven`t had a report for awhile

He's doing well, Jerry. Thank you for asking!

I was talking to the wise Mrs Bemused last evening about the use of councilors and psychiatrists. The best councilor one can have is Mum and Dad, this is what happens in most societies. However in western society life has evolved so that this is not so common and in the MK world it is even less likely due to geographic considerations but also because many of our parents are on different wavelengths and can only reach out in ways that are not comforting or even helpful anymore.

Great news, shadowspring2!
Sounds like much progress going on.
There can be many blips in seeing children on into adulthood.
Taking our hands off and not stopping loving and encouraging them is our calling then.
NOT always easy.

Shadowspring2 Glad things are going good for you and congratulation on your education. Wishing you a great enjoyable job.

As far as letting my children go I try to remember how much I wanted the freedom and even the approval from my parents to see if I could "fly". They and so often I have tried to protect our children from what we know will be a crash landing. The eagle takes the young on their backs and fly high then drops them that is how they learn to fly. So often we want to keep them on our back but we will not always be here so they have to learn to fly.

Both my son's had failed marriages. The first I thought would end my life I hurt so badly. I recovered and even learned to love the women who left them. My son's are doing well now, not perfect but good. To love regardless is not easy but worth the struggle.

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I appreciate you all.

Mom and Dad being the "best" counselors? I know you mean well, but that is salt to the wound, friend. His mom and dad are who destroyed his young heart. My dad left when I was two years old, and my mom is mentally ill and hates me. Please stop and think before you share that sort of platitude. I understand you meant well, but it's not very helpful.

I credit therapy, medications and especially EMDR for the PTSD my husband developed as a result of being a missionary kid. As far as he remembers, he was never sexually abused, like so many. But the crushing rejection, the abandonment and neglect, the bullying, shaming and spanking- that was bad enough to almost destroy any chance he had at happiness. I thank God everyday we were strong enough to leave the church. It was no place of healing for us.

Jesus, now He's another story altogether. His love sustains me every day. And for that I am very grateful.

Peace and good will, SS