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@ MK MINDA
You are most definitely NOT alone. "That Girl" has repeatedly stated how guilty and shameful she feels. I do my best to remind her, that the Guilt should lie with the perpetrator, and the Shame should be surrounding NTM for the effective cover-ups. Her response:" I KNOW! I've heard it a hundred times, but GUESS WHAT? That doesn't change a thing!"
The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse on an Adult Survivor
Source: Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc., and RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network). When it says "victim of incest," please keep in mind that the effects are the same for victims that were victimized by anyone that was in a position of trust. A dorm dad, for example, was in fact a substitute or fill in Dad.
Any sexual contact between a child and a trusted individual that damages the child, whether covert or overt, whether flirtation or sexual intercourse, needs to be dealt with assertively. It scars virtually all facets of the victim's life, since she is left with little or no self-esteem.
...The child’s emotional growth will be stifled at the age of the first attack, and the victim will probably not begin to recover until adulthood, if ever.
...Anyone can be an abuser, especially if he is perceived by the child to be someone in authority (or in a position of trust), including a brother, uncle, friend of the family, aunt or teacher -- the list is endless.
Some of the social maladjustments arising from incest are alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and promiscuity. Eating or sleeping disorders, migraines and back or stomach pains are just a few of the physical consequences that a victim may suffer. Food, sex, alcohol and/or drugs deaden painful memories of the abuse and expel reality temporarily. If a victim perceives obesity to be unattractive, and if she believes she was abused because she was pretty, she may overeat in a misguided attempt to defend herself from further sexual assault. "I felt like throwing up" is a common response among victims, and bulimia is a way of acting out that feeling. Anorexia is another form of self-punishment, eventually leading to the ultimate self-victimization, suicide.
Many emotional problems can emerge from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias and avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding. The denial system that insured the victim's survival as a child now prevents her from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood. She doesn't trust her own perceptions; she was forced to become an expert in disbelieving her own senses. She tries to convince herself that she overreacted--that nothing really terrible happened: "(Uncle... would never REALLY hurt me." When reality is too painful for a child s mind, she learns to fictionalize. It is extremely painful to give up a fantasy family, since children see themselves either in reflected glory or disgraced shadows. Therefore, the victim makes excuses for the abuser: "... He had it rough as a child, He has these needs ...," She takes responsibility for the assaults: "I was too pretty, too sexy." Her Uncle probably reinforced her own nagging guilt and questions she had concerning her own innocence. Essentially, the victim defends her Uncle by minimizing, rationalizing and taking the blame on herself. If she continues to use these coping mechanisms as an adult, she is set up to be abused in her current relationships. As an adult,, the victim needs to accept the fact that she was abused rather than loved by her Uncle. She can then learn to seek out only healthy, loving relationships. She has been accustomed to accepting only crumbs, believing that she does not deserve anything better.
The victim may have parenting problems and be always second-guessing her decisions, which is another result of distrusting her own perceptions. A victim may avoid parenting altogether, try to be a perfect parent or repeat the abuse. The worst possible consequence is when a victim perpetuates the abuse onto the next generation.
Another repercussion of incest is that victims often regard authority figures with anxiety. Passivity is comfortable because it is familiar, and she may accept familiar misery rather than risk unfamiliar change. An experiment was conducted in which dogs were forced to endure painful electric shocks without any means of escape. A second group of dogs were compelled to endure shocks and quickly escaped when it was possible. When the first group was shocked again, with escape now possible, they did not leave. They had been conditioned to endure pain. This experiment suggests why so many victims are sexually abused as adults by therapists, priests, counselors, doctors or bosses, and yes, even their own spouse. Anyone in a position of authority can potentially re-victimize the victim with sometimes little or no resistance. Victims are accustomed to losing battles and feeling powerless. Victims do not believe they can win. Assertion is a difficult concept for an incest victim. "Why fight it, they're just going to get what they want anyway."
The victim's inability to trust affects her feelings about members of the opposite sex. Women who have been abused by men will often say, "I don't trust any men; they only want sex."
If the assaults were, at times, emotionally or physically pleasurable to the victim, this will create a strong sense of guilt about the abuse as an adult. "Since it felt good to me, I must have liked it, so I must have encouraged it. It must be my fault." In defense of the abuser, she may say, "I am the one who didn't stop it! How could I have done that?" and assume full responsibility for the abuse, causing guilt.
If there was a great deal of secrecy surrounding the abuse, this will cause shame as an adult. If the victims immediate family members will not talk about the abuse to the victim, this broadens the "Hush-Hush" secrecy, reinforcing the shame.
Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my Uncle ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation, this woman is likely to become promiscuous. She needs to know that a promiscuous child is often the result, but never the cause, of incest. She believes that if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love. Sex becomes an important part of being validated, and the victim as an adult will often have a thirst to be validated by men.
When the abuse is physically violent, maybe even painful, she may confuse sex with control and power. A typical comment might be, "When I have sex with someone, I feel like he is controlling my body. I feel that as I respond to him, he is manipulating me, and I am a puppet all over again." This woman may shut off all sexual feelings and retreat from all sexual contact; she fears that no one would validate her.
Changing self-destructive patterns is a slow process, and the victim needs to confront the pain, sometimes head on. It takes tremendous strength for a victim to put herself in a position to feel this pain. The victim needs incredible courage and reliable help. "The pain is temporary; denial and its consequences are forever." When the victim tires of the consequences and becomes willing to work diligently on the issue, she is then on the way to living her life as a survivor rather than a victim.
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